Holiday Contemplations

Hello everybody,
I have just been on wintersport for a week in France. Nothing beats the feeling of sun, snow, and speed in the mountains, and I truly enjoyed it very much, but there also was a dark side to it all.
I went together with an old friend (who knows, and accepts all of this), and her parents (who don't know).
I wanted to tell them (her parents) as soon as possible, but I chickened out (not the first time). And besides, even if they had known they definitely wouldn't have started to address me as a guy right away, especially since I know them since I'm a little kid...
So yeah, bottom line is, I had to deal with -fully- being a girl again for a week. I can sort of deal with my birthname and "she", as that is simply how they know me. If I had introduced myself as "Jabberjocker Turdbottom" they'd call me that, and in LARP I always play a role and get called another name than my real name, I can handle that in a factual "they don't know me differently" manner. The REAL hard part comes when they reffer to me and my friend as "ladies", or say stuff as "Yeah, but that's because you are a girl." or "Yeah, that's a typical girl thing!" etc.
My friend's mom also wanted me to shower each day, which is kinda understandable, since skiing all day makes you sweat and smell like crazy, but having to confront myself with my naked body every single day is quite difficult.

However, from start I decided I wouldn't make any sacrificies regarding my masculine appearance. I initially skied with my old mom's skiing pants, which were fine last year, but now they made me feel VERY uncomfortable. Gladly my friend's mom had an extra pair of straight-fit skiing pants with her which I could wear (I told her my mom's pants were too tight and uncomfortable), which made me feel MUCH better.
I also tried very much to postpone toilet visits till our appartement or don't go together with the others, so I could go to the men's loo. This worked almost all the time, and I just went to the men's all the time except twice, when I basically couldn't get around it.
Actually this whole 'being a "girl" for a week again' also gave me valuable insights, as even though I feel so much more mentally at PEACE now, I couldn't help but wonder whether it was 'just' because I had gotten more confident and am now following my passion and all (art academy). This week I experienced extreme unease when confronted with my biological sex, and felt less awkward and stared-at in the men's than the women's toilets (though it probably is about even, as I am not being yelled at or called out in either toilet, but receive a few stares/glances... in either toilet), I just felt even more clearly that transition is the right thing to do, and I just cannot "go back" to being a "normal girl".
I also realized HOW MUCH my parents have already progressed, and how accepted I feel by them compared to others. 

It also wasn't all dysphoria and negativity. In general I had a very nice holiday with lots of fun times to look back upon with a smile (my old friend also changed my name in her phone to Erik and doesn't reffer to me as a 'lady' or a 'girl' anymore!), and for me nothing beats the feeling of soaring down white mountains, wind in my hair, sun on my face, adrenaline in my veins.
To me, skiing is almost like meditation, like a zen state of mind. When I ski I am completely at peace. I feel no fear, I feel no anger, I feel no sadness. A serene pool of calmth and focus.There is no past, there is no future, just the NOW.

And all that remains is me, and the mountain.

Third VU visit

Hey there folks!
Today I had my third visit to the VU (my second psych talk, out of a minimum of 6). Sadly it was quite an... anti-climax. We basically just spoke about my home situation, my experiences at school, etc. and nothing about gender and my relation to that at all. She (my psych) said she first wanted to form a clear image of me, my life, my past and current situation, which I understand, but yet it feels like no step forward.
Each talk is just 45 minutes long, once a month, and it just feels like... SO LITTLE. Each time (so far) I come home feeling like "Was that it?". I just wish we could talk for double that time or something, because it just feels so damn short! Now I also get why you need at least six talks though, because they are so short and far apart you'd otherwise not have discussed everything.
Each time afterwards I just want to continue, but then am taken out of it again and have to wait another month. Distracting, and annoying. >_<
Anyway, she also said she found I could describe everything (in this case reffering to my life story and answers I gave to her questions, which were not gender related at all) very well and very clearly. She also said my life story was very clear and well written, so I'm glad to hear that.
Actually I had quite a good talk with her, but I was rather shocked when she said time was up, and I was like "Butbutbut... we just sat down here!" "Yeah, that was 45 minutes ago." "WOWHOLYJEZUSWHYDIDITGOSOFASTISTILLWANTEDTODISCCUSSTUFF!" (okay I did not really say that, haha) I felt like getting fired up, and catching speed, when she announced the end, so that was kinda... meh. Disappointing. (though also expected...)
My psych is rather nice though, the only thing which I kinda dislike about her is that she's quite a slow talker, and also tends to dwell on rather unimportant things a lot sometimes, and tends to repeat things when it's not necassery, but it could be much worse. At least I feel like she's genuinely interested in what I'm saying!

She said we'd talk about the gender things next time, sooo I hope we can finally discuss some stuff that MATTERS then, lol.
I also hope my new scedule (after christmas break) will be configured in such a way I don't need to miss too much classes, but only time can tell.

Alsooo, some other news! People who follow me on Facebook already know, so for many of you it won't be much 'news', but I FINALLY came out to one of my old high school friends, and she took it quite well. She said she was actually expecting it for a long time, but found it difficult to call me another name (well, as long as she WILL see me as a guy eventually I'm happy...).

Anyway, that's it for today! See you soon, and thanks for reading!

Harder to Focus

Hey there people, it has been quite a while since my last post again (because I hardly had any time :c). Today I want to talk about an issue I am having lately, PLUS some good news/updates! (so it's not only negative. Happy now?)

I am VERY very happy to finally have started my diagnostic process. Finally I can see the ending of this, finally I can foresee the good things coming up, finally I'm moving forward instead of sitting on my lazy ass and pushing it all aside.
Buuut this also has a flip-side. Basically since my first talk I have had an increased difficulty to focus on OTHER aspects of my life, such as -you guessed it- school!
I always said, and still say, that being trans is only a small portion of who I am (it is just an aspect of me, and has nothing to do with my personality), but right now this SMALL portion is taking up a BIG part of my brain.
Added to this is the fact that we got a new scedule with the start of the next period, which leaves room for a LOT less free time after school to do homework and such, and some other 'special days' in the scedule, I have a great difficulty getting 'into' the flow of work, this period. On a positive note, I find that my work is improving, and that I am generally more 'free' with experimenting than previous period. However I still find that I have a great difficulty focussing and finding the energy to put my heart and soul in it, like I WANT and SHOULD.
The dysphoria also has gotten worse since living more-or-less fully as a guy. It is quite ironic that at the same time I feel more at 'peace' more calm and happy on the inside, while I also feel more stressed, anxious and self-conscious about my body. Some days it's so bad I just want to retreat somewhere, be that my room, a toilet, or just a quiet corner, but often I can't. I have to 'hold myself together' and make sure that mask shows no cracks. I am able to do this, in fact I am not even sure if I could SHOW it, but it costs me a lot of energy nevertheless.
I spoke about this, and also the concern I had about having to miss classes for my visits to the VU, with my SLB'er (some sort of a mentor), and she was very supportive of me. She reassured me she understood the difficulties I was having, and it would not be a problem for my study at all. I am still worried, though, because I don't think the teachers would make an exception for me because all of this, and frankly... even if they would, I wouldn't WANT them to. It would make me feel 'sick' or 'pitiful', and all I want is be normal and live a life like anybody else, be treated just like anybody else.
I don't want to be 'special' or 'different' (okay, I am, just being an artist makes me 'different' already, but that is a fundamental part of me as a PERSON, being trans is not. It is as much a part of my PERSONALITY as having diabetes or asthma would be for someone else), in fact a part of me is even reluctant to talk about it because I'd feel I would be 'attention whoring' too much, being too much like 'SEE ME! I AM SO POOR! Oh nooo noo nooo! PITY MEEE', and the LAST thing I'd ever, ever want is to be pitied. On the other hand, all of it is bothering me and occupying me for a great deal right now, and writing it down, sharing it, talking about it, helps me deal with it better. It makes me feel like I am not carrying this stone alone anymore, but I carry it together with everybody who cares about me, making it a lot easier to lift.

Buuut move away from all this whining and negativity, I also have some good news! 
First of all, I came out to my classmates (felt better towards them. They are great people and I thought they deserved to know), and they responded REALLY well! All of them were very supportive and even said things like "You're a boss" "Respect for being so brave to tell us" "You're an awesome dude!" and so forth. I am very happy I took the step to tell them!

Secondly, my parents, mainly my dad, are getting more understanding and respectful of the way I feel. I feel like I can talk more and more openly with them about it, which is great! My dad even called me "Erik" and "dude" a couple of times. I notice they still find it a weird thought to see me as a guy, but I suppose that's just normal, and I notice from lots of little cues they are truly trying to slowly start accepting me as their son.

And third, I am going to come out to one of my oldest and best friends next saturday (hope it goes well). I finally got over myself and decided she really had to know, so she'll be coming over to my place saturday morning. After that we will go on skiing holiday together (that is also a reason why I wanted to tell her SOON), and the week after we will meet up with the others from my high school friend group again, and I will tell them at that moment.

I notice I am becoming less fearful and more secure. I used to procrastinate things I was afraid of and found difficult, and I still do, but as of lately I am more and more often taking things into my own hands and just DOING what has to be done, which is truly an empowering feeling.
Even though some days I am all done with it, and I just feel terrible, there are still many great days behind and ahead of me. I am also very thankful for all of my great friends, of whom none have left me and truly proved to be as open-minded and accepting as I gauged them. Thank you!

Second visit to the VU

Hey everybody!
As quite a few of you knew (at least those who follow my blog) I did have my second visit to the VU yesterday (thursday 6 november at 1 o clock). This would be the FIRST talk with the psych assigned to me, and whom will me guiding me through this process from start to finish, and also the start of the actual diagnostic process.
From now on I will have a talk there every once a month, and after SIX talks me and my psych wil re-evaluate whether I need more time/talks or wether I'm ready for the Real Life Phase (the point where I will start to live as a guy OFFICIALLY, change my legal documents, and get on hormones).
From that point it will still take many months for my body to change, it happens faster than a biomales puberty, but it's also not like you turn into an adult man overnight, LOL!

Anyway, me and my parents arrived at the genderteam, I was less nervous than at the intake but still a bit shaky. Everybody was REALLY nice to me and very respectful of my feelings and such (like asking whether I wanted to be called by another name right away), except for the woman at the desk whom I had to report myself to. She looked pretty grumpy, and found it necassery to repeat my birthname to me. But I don't have much contact with her anyway, so I don't really care.
I quite like my psych. She's really nice and respectful towards me. I'll yet have to get to know her properly, but so far I feel like I'll be able to get along with her fine.

I had a good talk with her, and I'm curious what the other visits will bring. Regarless of all this positivity I also left with a bit of a sour aftertaste though, this has to do with my health insurance.
Because I wasn't out to my parents yet last january I couldn't change my "personal risk" to a lower sum (it's a dutch insurance thing. I can explain some other time if many people want to know, lol), which basically means I will have to pay the first three meetings entirely, instead of have a part refunded by my insurance.
I thought the costs for one visit would be around the 100/120 euro mark, but now I have gotten signals it might be quite a bit higher, like MUCH higher, and that I'd actually have to pay a sum close to 860 euros for these first three talks, which is... well... rather much...
The people whom I asked this to did not know the exact costs either, so it could be less... I sure hope so. And otherwise... well, nothing to be changed. I don't feel like it'd be fair to ask of my parents to pay all of that, but I hope IF it truly is this much we can split the costs. I really don't want money to block or delay my transition and process, and as long as I CAN afford it, I will pay, even if that means no more holidays with friends, no more fantasy fairs, no more new stuff, but of course I hope there is no need for such drastic measures, and needless to say it definitely worries me a bit.
I also feel rather sad I have to miss school a bunch of times. In high school I'd be happy about this, LOL, but now I'd even try to go to school anyway, even on the VU-days. (I either have class at midday or morning, so technically I DO have enough time. And I REALLY don't want to miss classes if I don't have to. I will have to miss a lot with the surgeries in the next years already)
I also found it harder to focus on school a bit after the visit, gladly that went away as soon as I actually was back AT school, and I was all back into the rythem again. Sometimes you forget you're trans because of all the other important things in your life, and sometimes you forget you still have a life outside of being trans, which basically just is a small aspect of "you", because sometimes... it just FEELS so big.

But generally I am still happy that my diagnostics finally could have been started. And no pain no gain right? Hah. If money is all it costs me to become who I am, what does that even matter? As long as I have enough, I am happy.
Some people are so poor, that all they have is money. You need money to live, but you have to remember it is a TOOL, not a purpose or a means. Without something meaningful to spend it on, money basically is a worthless number on some website called your "bank account", it's the things you do with it that matter!

Have a good day everybody!

Friend coming out issues

Okay, so right now almost all the people I genuinely care about know about me being trans and, thankfully, most took it quite well.
However, there is still a bit of a nagging issue with my five oldest, and possibly even best friends. (though I don't like classifying anyone as a "best" friend, cause I all love ya' equally much for your own strengths and weaknesses!) Well, no matter whether you'd define them as "best" or not, they are still VERY GOOD friends, and we've been through an awful lot together. Needless to say, I do not want to lose them. And well, the issue is... THEY, out of all people, do not know yet.

Why have I "waited" you might wonder. And the thing is, I haven't. In fact, I desperately TRIED to come out to them more than a year ago, but wasn't ready yet, took a completely wrong approach, I failed, and never dared to confront them with it again. It went like this...

More than a year ago... I really wanted them to know, but also didn't feel strong enough yet to tell them in person or even simply send them an email or text. So instead of being a wise guy and just letting it rest, I wrote a journal on my DeviantArt profile, knowing there would be a large chance they'd see it. It wasn't even directed at them personally, and yet just the MERE THOUGHT they MIGHT read it made my hands shake and my heart pound more than a call from the VU does now. (and that's a big thing!)
They DID read it, as I suspected, and even left comments saying they'd talk to me about it next time we'd meet in person.
The stupid chicken as I was, I waited for THEM to take the initiative the next time we met up. I stimply did not have the balls (pun intended) to confront them myself. They did the exact same thing (can't blame them) and waited for me to take the lead, so... nothing happened. They must have assumed it wasn't important after all and I just put it away, not daring to bring it up ever again.

After that we just went on as if nothing happened. I knew they knew and they knew I knew, but it's like we both silently agreed to avoid the matter. That was all doable and good for me, after all, it was still very surrealistic in my daily life anyway. I still lived fully as a girl.
But now... things have changed. The wheels have been set in motion, I'm actually taking steps to become the guy that I am, I am being seen and addressed as a guy by my classmates and new(er) friends, and this whole trans thing is becoming much more REAL as for lately.
This makes that the feeling of "acting" and "lying" to my five old friends has strongly increased, SO MUCH I often just don't want to meet up anymore, don't want to hang out... (when we are it is, except for the constant "girl(s)"-ing and misgendering, great fun, and I realize I don't want to lose them. Ever. They mean too much to me. But I'm afraid I WILL lose them if I don't do something quick!)
Though as the days passed... fear of rejection was replaced by feelings of guilt, because THEY are five REALLY GOOD friends, and I haven't yet told them. They should have been the FIRST. And each day I feel like telling them is getting harder and harder.

I'm also going on a skiing holiday with one of them, and I feel like I REALLY have to tell them -her at least- BEFORE we go. I can't be stuck with one of my friends for a week and be misgendered all the time, and act like "all is fine", cause I KNOW beforehand that will drain me more than any amount of physical exercise. I'm very afraid they will feel... insulted, for only hearing it so late, though. But only time will tell.

(I also wrote a blogpost about this when it happened (the failed "coming out") which can be read here: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2013/07/weirdest-reaction-to-coming-out-ever.html)

Experiences at school, and second appointment at the VU!

Heya peeps! It has been quite a while again. I know, I know. But sometimes I just don't have much to talk about. That happens too, y'know.

Anyway, I started at my new study and school 1st of september this year. As some of you might remember, I was very nervous about it all. Sure, a new study, a new class and new school IS a big and scary change, but that wasn't the main cause of my nerves... it's that I finally started living full time as a guy at school, even though I'm still pre T. I was scared to be called all sorts of crap, scared that people would see me as a girl anyway, that I'd be bullied, that there would be gossip... the list goes on.
Now I am one and a half month into my new study, and all my fears have been blown away.
First of all, I just LOVE this study, I LOVE art academy and studying art and am VERY VERY happy I made this choice last year. No regrets whatsoever! Almost makes last year (biology) feel pretty bad, while that was (especially compared to high school) pretty awesome too.
On top of that, all my fears for them not accepting me and such appeared to be irrational. I haven't even told all of my classmates (just the ones that asked), and still... nobody even gives a fuck! They just accept me for who I am and don't even question why I'm such a "feminine looking" guy, or gossip about me, etc. I just feel so happy about this all!
I also feel very happy to finally live as a guy for a large part of my life now. Add that to the fact that this school and study are just RIGHT for me, makes that I've never enjoyed school more than this! Sure, I have lows too just as I have highs, but in general... right now I feel better, happier, more myself than ever before. I do not regret any of my descisions so far, even though they were hard to make, they were the RIGHT ones!

And second thing I wanted to share is... I GOT ANOTHER CALL! Yes, from the VU genderteam! Even a (tiny) bit before the three month mark, while the psych at the intake said "three to six months"! Such good news! This will be at the 6th of November, around 1 o clock, meaning it's during school time. But I don't think it's even possible to plan it outside of school hours, and all other people I spoke also took a day off from school those times. Well, one day a month... not a big issue.
Anyway... yup. Now the big waiting game is slowly beginning.

Coming out. Friends, family, neighbours?

I know it has been quite a long time since I have written a blog entry. I have been pretty busy with school and whatnot and just did not have much time and motivation to write.

Today I want to adress something EVERY transperson (and many non-transpeople for that matter) have to deal with: COMING OUT, and dealing with distant family, friends, and even neighbours. I will tell my own coming out stories so far, and also the difficulties I faced and still face in many coming outs to come. Here we go...

Coming out to...
Yourself
Before you can even TELL someone else, like friends or family, you have to acknowledge it for yourself. Often an underestimated step, as it is not noticable for the outside world, but it is the VERY FIRST step and thus also a very important one. Basically before you can come out to ANYONE, you have to come out to yourself first!

I did this about two years ago from now. At that time I still felt very awkward and even ashamed for my identity. When first taking steps to find out my gender identity I even felt bad when just typing "transgender" into the search field. I deeply did NOT WANT TO BE transgender. I felt like an abomination, a freak, a crazy circus attraction, if I would be trans. But how much I tried, I could not stuff those feelings away. They kept coming back to the surface, every time again.
So I searched. I researched. I thought. I ponderd. I felt. And accepted.
However, after this accepting, lots of time would pass until I felt strong and certain enough to tell my parents and friends...

The first other person
After you come out to yourself, the next step is to come out to someone you trust, a good friend, a parent, a family member... it could be anyone.

I first came out to my niece. She wasn't one of my best friends, nor one of my parents, and I don't even know why I picked her to first tell it to out of my own accord, but I just felt like she would accept it for some reason, and she did. We talked a lot about it, and she became my first supporter. I really needed that "back support" she, and later also her brother and parents, gave me.

Friends
Most of my friends who knew me from "before" know what's going on. Not all of them have fully adapted to it, but no one responded negatively or abandoned me. Some of them have swapped pronouns and name almost instantly (to those friends I'd like so say a loud: THANK YOU!), others have a bit more difficulty seeing me as a guy, but support whatever I'll decide to do. I will soon press them to adress me as a guy too, and just calmly correct them each time they get it wrong.


Not everybody knows though... actually I find it hardest to tell my best or at least longest-time friends, I don't know why... it should be the other way around. My five best high school friends are the only good friends that do not yet know, which makes me feel pretty bad. Maybe I am afraid our friendship won't be the same after they know... or they won't accept it... but I HAVE to tell, because if I won't... our friendship will definitely break. At first I was just afraid to lose them, now I feel that I just don't want to be around them as much anymore, because I constantly feel like "hiding a secret", and "acting", which is a real shame, as they are great people and we shared lots of awesome things together. I don't want to lose them because of this...

Parents
After her and some other friends, I came out to my parents. I had written a letter weeks before, and tried to tell it many days before already, but simply felt jammed. I couldn't say it, I was that scared. (and without reason too, since my parents are really accepting and just want me to be happy. Before I told them I already KNEW for sure they wouldn't hate or disown me)
One day I just said to myself "NOW I AM GOING TO TELL THEM! It's NOW or NEVER! I can't keep pushing it ahead any longer." and I tried again whole day, but couldn't. I have never felt more terrible ever in my life. Until at the end of the day, I just handed them the letter and went upstairs, shaking.
They took it well, like I expected, but we all still felt weird about it. I still felt like I was in the closet, basically. Eventually they eased up a bit. I started writing blogposts again, shared them with my dad, and didn't feel like I had to "hide" my binders and such anymore. We still have a long road ahead of us, as they still truly see me as their "daughter" (I feel like especially my mom finds it hard to let go), but I have the feeling that will also pass in time when everything becomes a bit more "real" for them too, like when I get my psychological tests and talks at the VU and such.
I am not yet going to tell them they HAVE to call me him and Erik, but that time WILL come pretty soon... as the more I start living as a guy, the more I hate being seen as a girl at home, though I also understand it is very difficult for them to just "swap" after 19 years.

New people?
I do not even "come out" to new people anymore. I introduce myself as a guy from start, because that makes ME feel better, and also makes it easier for both me and them when I will transition later. My new classmates and friends don't know me as anything but a guy, BUT... there is a but... since I am pre-T (pre hormones) I still look and sound rather... uhm... feminine. I feel very bad about it, but it's simply the reality. Thanks to this many people suspect something or figure it out anyway, and many of my new friends know I'm trans even though I introduced as a guy from start. I also feel a bit more at ease if they know, as then I don't have to worry about passing, being "man enough", etc. and just be myself. (yeah, I'm just no macho dude. I actually really hate macho guys. They are pretty darn annoying)

Difficulties... neighbours, parties, distant family...
A big difficulty I am hitting nowadays is... those "far away aqaintances" whom you see a few times of the year, have superficial talk with, and don't really want to share personal details of your life with, BUT who thus see you as the wrong sex and constantly misgender you, completely unaware of what's going on.
For me this shows up extra strongly at parties. Collections of people whom I hardly know or care about deeply, and actually don't want to tell such a personal thing... but when I'm there, talking with them, I really feel pretty bad. It's playing a role all over again. Smile n wave, smile n wave, nod, nod.
All these people asking you how life is coming along, and then having to pretend you are totally happy as your birth sex and just smile along... yes... that hurts.
I am not sure how I will go about on telling these people, I think I will just let them live in oblivion until I have the green light for hormones, and then I'll get a bunch of "hurray it's a boy" cards or something (maybe draw them myself? :P) and send them to everybody, explaing my situation. If SOMEONE is still misgendering me at that point I will also play no more "easy games" with them and just ignore them (or misgender THEM back, hah!) when they do so. Though I hope most people stop before that time... as it's still a long while away from now.

Anyway, that was it folks! If any of you have questions, suggestions for upcoming posts, or things you liked/disliked about this one, feel free to tell me in the comment section below, or ask me on facebook through a PM if it's more private.

Cheers,
Erik

Third week of art academy

Okay, so after the intake the waiting game has begun. Wait till this, wait till that, and in the meantime... life goes on.
But that doesn't mean it goes out of my radar (hint: it never does), or I will stop moving, stop caring. Little things happened this week which I'd like to share with you guys.

As you might have read I have had art academy intro, it's about three weeks ago now, and also how nerve wrecking it was, and that a classmate said she thought I was "really a girl" and all, which really hit me hard.
The first week after that there were many more of those moments. Moments when I was too scared to continue, moments when I just wanted to go to a place where no one would ask me stuff about my gender. Like when I went to the toilet, some big bloke said "This is the mens", I just squeaked "I know" and ignored him for the rest, but booyy... I was really shocked! It also gave me quite bad dysphoria, as the man misgendered me even before I spoke, and thus I concluded I do not only not pass with my voice, but just NOT AT ALL. Nada. Yup man, that sucks.
Also did the classmate I told you all about earlier misgender me again, during a game of magic. BAM, there goes my concentration. Game of magic? Fuck magic. I just wanted to be alone at that moment. 
A couple more of those kind of things happened, but ASIDE from those I had a good time. A much better time than uni intro (which was truly terrible! Not gonna exclude on that right now, but it wasn't fun), and the classes were awesome! (ahem, ARE awesome!)

Now we are a couple of weeks further, and the classmate who "really saw me as a girl" and kept misgendering me all the time now finally corrects herself. Sure, she still does it, but she corrects right after, which already means a lot to me, as it shows she understands what it means to me and is really trying. I don't know what made her shift like that, as I didn't speak to her about it, as I should have, but I am VERY glad for it!
Also are all people calling me Erik and acknowledging me as such. I am still kinda afraid they might have question marks or don't fully see me as a "real" guy, but maybe I'm just paranoid. I did not tell my whole class yet, and I am considering whether I should or not, and if yes, how and when.

Another thing is that I went to see the student councelor to speak about it all (she requested it herself), since there might be a chance my study gets delayed due transition (I hope not, but the chance definitely exists, so I should come forward with it in time).
She was quite respectful and understanding, and we talked a little. Only thing is she said my name really overly much, I feel like she was trying to signal she saw me as a guy n all, but it came across as a bit "too much". But at least she didn't tip it to the other way, heh.


Living as a guy prior to hormones is often scary, nerve wrecking and terrible, due bad passing (I personally feel like I do not pass at all, but that could also just be me), but when no one puts question marks at my name and gender I just feel SO good! I feel much stronger, happier, more at peace. Often people tell me they admire my courage for doing this, but I will honestly tell you all, it is not courage which drives me. It is pure self preservation.

Art Academy Intro!

Hey guys, I just had the intro for Art Academy. Actual classes and such will start monday the 1st, so after the weekend. But for me, THIS was the 'big thing', as I'd see my new classmates for the first time... as a guy!
I still dress the same way as I used to and always will, the big difference is that NORMALLY I don't actually say I'm a guy, either because people who know me from "before" are there, or because I am simply too scared they won't believe me.
I stepped over this fear this time, however, because I simply CAN NOT live this lie anymore and happily tell new friends I'm a girl and just ignore the way it makes me feel. I cannot live my life like it's a theatre show anymore.

Day 1
The first day, also the scariest day. I arrived at 13:00 at the main area and sat down with the rest to listen to some speech. All people whom I didn't know and who seemed to already be buddy-buddy together. During the speech I felt some stinging pains in my low belly area, and a slight feeling of wet dampness which I'd associate with wetting my pants IF I weren't an adult, and IF I weren't physically configured in such a way that I was shipped with a womb. In other words: I recognised this as the oh so dreaded Shark Week. While I sat there, a woman was rambling about something, it must have been important but it all flew past me. I didn't record a single word of it, and I was completely enveloped in my own world, which was crumbling down on me as she spoke. All I could think of was "Why now? Damn not now! Not now! Not now! Body STOP THIS NONSENSE! Aaaah!" or at least something in that nature.
As soon as the talking stopped, which felt like an eternity, I slipped into the men's toilet as quickly as I could, and because I had no pads or other shark week emergency stuff with me, I fixed something up with toilet paper. I felt sick and had quite bad cramps, add to that the dysphoria and you understand I just wanted to be alone, away from all these people whom I had never met.
My heart beat like crazy each time my name was called and even more if someone asked me what it was. I could just feel their stares, and I'd expect a "What? But you aint a guy!" any moment. But no one said anything. Not when I said my name, not when I went to the toilet in plain sight. Though the fear and the tenseness remained.
That day we gladly didn't walk around much, and we just got some easy but boring factual information about the study, the academy, and so forth.

Day 2
This day I prepared myself for the nightmare called shark week, but still I can never FULLY prepare.
We went on a trip through town, and visited various art exhibitions, I will spare you the details but they were really interesting.
We also had to walk INSANELY much though, and due to bad logistic planning we had to wait a lot. It was hot outside, and I was pretty much dying in my binder. I couldn't change my shark week stuff much, which nearly caused leakage and would have been my greatest nightmare ever. (leakage is BAD for a girl, but VERY VERY BAD for a guy) Also, changing pads in the men's toilet is HELL. For the people who are lucky enough to never have used or opened one, I tell you this: their packaging is everything BUT discrete. It is impossible to open and then replace them without making insanely loud tearing noises. SHRRRT SHRR SHRRRRRRRRT. Which is embarrassing enough in the women's toilets, but simply nerve wrecking in the men's. I mean, in the woman's, such sounds are normal, in the men's... god knows what they think you're doing. And if you already look and sound ambiguously male, well, they might add 1 and 1 up and start asking questions.
Aside from the heat, shark week, and some nerve wrecking moments, it was not a wholly bad day. My classmates are great, and the reason I feel uncomfortable comes from within me, not from them. I also felt a bit better and more open to interacting and talking that day, though at the end my energy reserves were completely wasted.

Day 3
This day we started a two-day surprise film project. We all had to bring unspecified "useful" things to use in the films we'd be making. There were several subjects, all pretty awesome in my opinion, and I picked the stop-motion (also because it was the only one where I wouldn't have to be on screen myself). Even though we were with a big group, discussing and idea-making went smooth, and we were overflowing with good ideas and enthusiasm. Also, the first two days of my shark week are always VERY intense and pretty dreadful, but the later days then quickly diminish in strength and intensity. So the cramps weren't as bad, and I only needed to change once. Still uncomfortable, but much better than the two previous days.
People also started calling me Erik when they saw me or wanted to ask me something, which was just great, and we worked together rather productively on our stop motion film. (it was really fun!)
I had a bit of a crisis moment at home when the pasta I had to make for the picnic (we were having a picnic and everybody had to bring something) seemed really screwed up, but when we mixed it with the rest it tasted pretty great.

Day 4
Today, and the last day of the intro. I went there much more at ease and with an enthusiastic mood this time, I really wanted to finish our stop motion film. Due to our great efficiency (I have never seen a group of 20 people (yes, that many picked stop motion!) be that efficient together! Wow!) we finished the filming far ahead of schedule. Some tech-savy people would do the editing, and we (the rest) had to wait till it was done, which was pretty boring and took ages, but also was a nice opportunity to talk with people a bit more.
However, then something happened which shook my world. I was showing my magic cards to a very nice Chinese girl (she also likes fantasy, gaming, the same kind of music, and MTG and I just had a good connection with her), we talked a bit about them and deck building, after which she said: 'Yeah, I was thinking about taking mine too, but I thought: 'SHE probably won't take HER decks anyway.'" She all said this rather quickly, followed by a smile, completely unaware of what her words had done. They hit me like two arrows, and I had to retreat to the toilet for a short while to get grips of myself again. I didn't understand why she called me "she" even though she knew my name was Erik, and I concluded I must simply NOT PASS AT ALL. Just not at all. I felt terrible. I wanted to go home. And I almost did, until at some moment when I was lazily drawing and talking a bit with some people, another girl clearly referred to me multiple times as "he" and "him" and "his work", as she did this it had the opposite effect to me. I started grinning widely, became more relaxed and open and chatted with her and some others quite a while. (about drawing, techniques, styles, art... kinda the stereotypical stuff you'd expect from art academy students, haha)
After that I felt so much better I decided to stay for dinner too (as they changed from pizza to risotto, making it gluten free!), and the Chinese girl now asked me how I got the name Erik, clearly noting that I am physically female and that she was confused by a female with a male name. While I was surrounded by some new friends, people I at least started to like and trust to a certain extend, I just decided to play open cards with her and tell it. I said "Yeah, yknow, you are probably confused about whether I am a boy or a girl, and you see... I am born a girl but I identify as a..." at that point the girl who called me he and him earlier interrupted and blurted out: "Just say you're transgender, that's clear enough!" everybody nodded and agreed, and she said she thought I looked very much male except for my voice. The Chinese girl, however, then said "I immediately saw you were a girl. You just are a girl." or something like that. Because I had started to like her in the past few days, I explained to her that I understood her opinion, but that it was extremely hurtful to me. She didn't say anything about it after that, and I still see her as a friend (unless she won't stop it), but it still really hit me hard. Yknow, I don't SHOW much when you call me female, I just twitch a bit, that's all, but what other people DON'T see is what goes on under the surface. A storm of dysphoria, doubt, fear, sadness... much more... is unleashed, and the moment it happened will keep cycling through my mind over and over and over and over again.
However I don't think that Chinese girl was really trying to hurt me, and everybody really responded positively and started calling me he and him more as well.

It wasn't all fun n games, but it was mainly good, and I think I'll just do a coming out to the rest of my classmates soon too, because then I can finally breathe again and stop worrying they might "see it", question me or misgender me. Then it's just clear for everyone why I have such a feminine voice and total lack of facial hair, and they (hopefully) won't doubt my gender anymore.

Just had my intake!!!

Okay guys, I am VERY happy to say: I FINALLY had my intake at the VUMC genderteam! (wooot!)

For the people who didn't follow what happened, there were issues with my medical records, which caused the intake to be postponed. If you want to know the details please check out: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2014/07/a-little-status-update.html

I sent the Genderteam like four emails asking whether the refferal letter was enough, and if they could please reply, I got nothing but a complete radio silence. Because I am terrified of calling, I thought mailing would be fine, but since they didn't answer even after four emails and four weeks waiting, I realized I really HAD to give them a call, no matter how much I dreaded it.
I first called them saturday, but got a tape saying they couldn't answer until monday, oops, yes, of course, that makes total sense. So monday I quickly called them again. Shaking and with sweaty palms I explained what was going on to the lady on the telephone, after which she expressed her understanding of my frustrations, and suggested to re-send the "machtiging" paper. I agreed and hung up.
Just a mere minute later I got a call, it was the VU again, same lady, saying they already appeared to have a scan of a letter from my GP, so that they COULD in fact plan my intake. I am pretty certain this is the exact same scan as I sent them MYSELF four weeks ago. She first tried to plan me on thursday, but the computer gave an error, and I said I really preferred to be helped before the start of semester. She understood this and said there was in fact a free slot tomorrow (thus today) morning. A bit bewildered by how quick it suddenly went, after just ONE phone call, I happily agreed.
What have I learned from this? You may ask. That you can mail the VU a thousand times and not be heard, and they will only run for you when you call. So I advice to ANYONE just starting, like me, to CALL whenever they don't reply right away. I totally feel you on how terrible it is, but it REALLY works wonders, as you see.

Anyway, now onto the actual intake, which I had just a couple hours ago from the moment I write this.
They told me I had to arrive at 10, fill in some questionnaires, take a picture, and have a talk with a psychologist. Everything went exactly that way.
I arrived 30 minutes late due to traffic, but it was no problem, and almost right away when I walked in I could start the questionnaire, and have my photo taken. (I was really nervous. When they asked me for my birthdate I didn't even know it, I was that stressed, lol) The questions varied from factual (what is your nationality, how old are you, have you had this, this or this illness) to quite personal (do you masturbate, do you have sexual dreams, have you been abused in your childhood in this, this or this way), and many of them where exactly the same, just formulated differently. Anyway, it wasn't such a big deal, I finished in about 40 minutes.
After that I returned the questionnaire and had a short talk with an MTF girl who recognised me, but we had only sat down and started to talk for like a minute or so when my name (my surname!) was called again, by the psychologist this time.
She was very nice and respectful, by no means 'forcing' me into specific answers, and explaining the time span and nature of the trajectory once again (I already knew most of it, but it's nice to hear it from an actual living being too). She basically went over the questionnaire questions once more, and wrote down the more detailed answers I gave. Actually after I got over my initial fear I kinda liked it to talk with someone about these things, her understanding attitude made me feel more at ease than I would have expected.
She said she thought I was in the right place, and unless I would suddenly develop depression, doubt, phobias or other issues the diagnostic phase would most likely be sorted out relatively quickly. (6 months MINIMUM, maximum... as much as is needed.), after which I can start the so-called "real-life phase" where I will get male hormones and am required to live as male full-time (hah, lol, I plan to do so before the start of the official real life phase, thank you), at that point I will also be able to change my legal name and sex to Male and Erik (she said I could also do it now, but it would cost me over 200 euro's, whereas it would be 65 later). When the real life phase is successful, and I have been in it for AT LEAST a year, I will be allowed to get surgeries. Most likely I will take the top, and won't take the phallo, due to rather disappointing results, and maybe the meta if my anatomy allows for it, but I don't exclude anything now. (Top= chesticle removal, phallo/meta/bottom= penis creation) I told her this as well, and she said that won't be a problem, and I can decide for myself which treatments I want/don't want.
After that she said the approximate waiting list for the first talk right now is 3 to 6 months, and they will give me a call when it's my turn.

So folks, that's it. THAT WAS IT. Not much of a big deal in the end. But I am very glad I have it behind me now and can start waiting for the start of the ACTUAL diagnostic process. Overall it left me feeling very good, and I know a lot of people aren't happy with the VU, but SO FAR I am quite content and I don't recognise much of other people's complains (yet?). I hope it will stay this way. :)


On another, slightly offtopic note, I have a question for all of you.
As many of you know I will be starting my new study (illustration!) as Erik. However, as ALL of you probably know, I am still pre-hormones, which means I look and especially SOUND quite feminine/young for a dude of 19 yrs. I am rather torn about what I should tell my classmates, some people suggest to just say I have a "hormone problem" (which basically IS true... in a certain way) and just tell good friends I'm born a girl, the psych at the VU, however, suggested me to just tell them as soon as possible, since people might gossip behind my back and give me more shit for it when I'd actuall be open about it.
However, my 'problem' with this is that it is 1) FCKING SCARY and 2) I don't want to become "that transperson" or even worse: "That dude who is actually a girl", I just want to be a NORMAL (and kinda crazy, geeky and alternative) guy, not "That guy who was born a girl" or "that girl who says she's a guy". However saying I have a hormone problem feels a lot like lying.
What should I do? And IF I should tell them, when? Right away? After a while? When they ask??

Why do we give EVERYTHING a gender?

This is most likely something many average "normal" people don't even notice, let alone be bothered by it. But me, as a transperson (and most likely anyone crossing gender norms), am very frustrated and confused by this.
Our society has an almost compulsive need to assign EVERYTHING to a set gender, even if the object in question has nothing to do with sex or gender. Yes, sure, tampons are most likely only going to be bought by women (or men who buy it for their girlfriend/sister/mother?), and it makes no sense to market condoms towards women. But why do we need to assign a gender to children's toys? Or clothes? Or even worse: SOCKS.
I mean, what the heck? Socks? Seriously? Whenever I shop for socks I see packages "women's socks" and "men's socks", and no matter how close I look, I simply cannot find a difference or a reason why they are split into "men's" and "women's".
Also clothes... yes, I know "women's" clothes look different than "men's", but what does it matter? Why don't throw it onto one big pile 'o "clothes" and let people search through it what they like most.

Cars, games, furniture, and movies don't have a "gender" set on them either. Yeah, sure, some movies are more popular among women and some more popular among men, but when you walk into a cinema or DVD store you won't see "Men's movies" "Women's movies".
Why am I even so upset about this? You might wonder. Well, I am because these gender labels seem to imply we have no choice, like women HAVE to buy "women's" stuff and men HAVE to buy "men's stuff". Right now I just buy, use and wear whatever the crap I like, but when I was still a little kid I actually felt like I wasn't ALLOWED to wear "boys" clothes, even though they looked much better and I preferred them. As far as I remember, all my boy's clothes were hand-me-downs from friends and family, because for some reason buying new things from the boy's department is not ok, while getting them secondhand is. Weird world...
Gladly I still had plenty of other opportunities to express myself, and my parents never held me back to do stuff I liked. (if it wasn't dangerous, unhealthy or expensive, that is)

Right now, things like clothing are less of an issue. As no one can forbid me to wear men's clothes regardless of my sex. However a problem regarding public toilets, for example, remains. I tell you, they are an utter NIGHTMARE. As right now... I fit in both and I fit in neither (I must be a subatomic particle...), and I simply don't see why we can't have all unisex toilets, or at least ONE unisex toilet next to the men's and women's. To "normal" average people that might seem like an overkill, but it would GREATLY help me, other transpeople, genderqueer people, agender people, and basically all other people with a gender identity different than male or female or one misaligned with their bodies.

Visit to the GP, and... the post lost my letter!

An update on how things are over here.

Okay, so first of all, GOOD NEWS!

• I bought a rashguard, so I can feel better while swimming. Though I hoped it would compress a bit as well (which it doesnt), so I wouldn't need a binder, I am still very happy with it. I really want to test it sometime soon! 
• Secondly, I went to the GP, and got the referral letter for the VU. I was quite stressed about it, and when she asked me what I needed a referral for, I literally couldn't say a word, it was that hard. But my dad had come with me, and he saved me. After she knew what it was for she asked lots of questions, to be sure I know what I'm talking about and am certain, etc. and after that wished me luck and wrote the letter. She was very understanding and nice, and I feel like I am starting to slowly open up to my parents as well, which really makes me happy. There is still a long road ahead of me, but I will get there. 

There is also bad news, however.

Namely, the letter that grants the VU the right to see my medical file apparently got lost in the post, as neither THEY, nor I, nor the GP has it.

When I just signed in, they told me they would call to make an appointment for the intake BEFORE 14th of July, so I waited. And waited. And waited. 14th of July passes, still no call. I begin to get worried, and contact them myself to ask what's up. I get the answer that they don't have my medical records yet, and thus cannot make an appointment, while I DID send it, signed and everything.
Then another week passes. I know I have to contact my GP, but I am too afraid and procrastinate it. Until I know I have no choice. (this is a reoccurring problem in my life...)
I make an appointment with my GP, the nearest date is almost a week later, and A DAY before we leave on holiday, to make the stress-fest complete.
Arriving there, I have a very good talk and she was very understanding of it all, HOWEVER, when I said they had to see my medical file, and the rights-letter (don't know the English term folks, it's a "machtiging" in Dutch) didn't arrive at the VU, they said they didn't have it either (I am almost starting to wonder I maybe slit it in the wrong postbox slot). When I asked whether she could just give that permission NOW anyway (as I was there in person, sure I could testify it was OK), she said it is very unusual to give full access to someone's medical records, as it is rather personal, and often a lot of it is irrelevant for the situation, so she refused to grant that until more was clear about WHAT they exactly wanted from my medical records.
Stupidly enough, I made no copy of the letter I had to sign, thus I have no idea what it said EXACTLY, and thus I have to wait for a response from the VU.
I sent the genderteam an email explaining everything in detail, and asking on how I should proceed now, but I still have no reply. In the meanwhile... the clock is counting down till the holiday.
I am rather stressed about this, as I have no idea what they exactly want, how my letter got lost in the post, and when I can get my intake.

It was a big and difficult step to go to the GP, and I am glad I did it, but I am not glad I STILL have a few issues unanswered. I hope everything ends all right anyway, only time can tell.

Living a double life

First of all... sorry for the long silence. I had some personal issues that made focussing on my blog (or art) really difficult. Also have I gotten a little pet ratty, Zelda, who has been taking a lot of attention. I am going to get her a friend this week, hopefully she will feel less lonely then. (yup, I know, never keep rats on their own. Learned that a little bit too late)

One of the things I wanted to address today is a difficulty I have to deal with quite a lot lately. Seemingly living "two lives in one".
In this early phase of coming out and transition there are many people who I am not out to, a bunch  whom I am out to but still treat me as female, a few who I am out to who DO see me as male now, and some who simply never knew me as female.
Thanks to this I live both as male and female depending on the circumstances and people I am with. Especially the latter (living as female) is getting more and more unpleasant due being able to interact with people as male. Like, you get a taste of a lollipop, but then it's pulled away from you again.
If I have to "be female" now it feels even more like a show. A theatre act. A mask.
But as male I do not feel fully at ease now either, this has more to do with the feeling of not being a "proper male" rather than not wanting to be/feeling male. I feel very bad for my body, but aside from my genes and downstairs I don't think I have a particularly feminine physical makeup. Not very masucline either, just... very androgynous.

My voice, however, is the worst of it all. I feel like I have an ultra high sissy voice, and even though THAT might be overreacting/non-realistic viewing from my side, anyone who has heard it will probably acknowledge that I DO have a pretty "normal female voice".
In fact, people often mistake me for my mom over the phone, or tell me I have a "beautiful girl/woman's voice". Of course people saying that are trying to make me feel good, but they don't. In fact they only confirm my insecurities I have about my voice.

Right now I feel like I'm in a "twilight zone" of being male and female. I feel like right now I fit both boxes and neither boxes. My outside reflects female, but how I feel within is male. I cannot live as female, because -obviously- I AM not female. It makes me very unhappy to live like that all the time. But I cannot properly live as male either due the way I look and sound. Basically I'm stuck in limbo, and I HATE it!

Also another difficulty is that the friends/people who see me as male will not, should not and can not ever mix with the people/friends who see me as female, as that will weird out both groups (and me!). I find it hard when a friend who sees me fully as male comes over, because my parents don't see me as such yet (even though I told them. I guess they just need time to adjust), but when a friend who sees me as female comes over I find it hard TOO, because that means I have to play a role again.

It gives me a bad taste in my mouth and a stone in my stomach when I have to fill in my legal name somewhere, but when I fill in Erik I am also very afraid/paranoid someone will come up to me and say "Are you crazy? You aren't a guy!". Same for public toilets. I don't feel at home in the women's, but I am afraid someone will clock me in the men's. Basically I can go no-where now. I fit no where. That is right now one of the biggest difficulties I am facing in this early phase of (social) transition.

I just want... to be able to be myself without having to "prove" anything, without having anyone "second guess" me or look at me weirdly. That's all. Is that so much asked?

A small step closer...

A bit of a "status update" on how things are developing over here and how it will all proceed from there.
Okay, so a while ago I called the VU, and got a letter I had to sign to allow them to check my doctor's records with my GP (not that there is much in them, lol). After that I got another letter saying they will call everyone who signed up in the first two weeks of July to pick a date for the intake.
Before the intake I have to get a refferal letter from my GP as well, because otherwise the insurance won't cover anything.
The intake is not the 'actual' start of therapy and medical process, rather they just create a "file" for you and get some basic details down. Basically that is the starting point they use for making a "plan" how to proceed from there.
After that, you will be placed on the waiting list, and the actual treatment cannot start until you are the first 'in line', so to speak.

This "treatment" will first start with A LOT of psychological tests and talks, etc. to find out some basic things, like:

1. Do you really have GID (=Gender Identity Disorder, AKA: medical term for transgenderism)
2. Do you have other mental issues that need resolving first? 
3. Are you mentally and emotionally prepared for transition 

This phase can take from a few months to multiple years, depending on how strong, mentally stable, and certain of you decision, etc. you are. I find it hard, if not near impossible, to estimate the time it will take with me, so I decided not to fuss about it too much right now, and just see what happens.

After that, if all goes well, they will diagnose you with GID and give you the "green light" to start the medical process some time later. (after some physical tests, like hormone levels and such. I am not entirely sure what else...)
This will first consist of a RLE (= Real Life Experience) where you live as your desired sex full time and get the hormones of this sex (so in my case that would be testosterone). During that time you will stay in touch with the VU and still have regular talks with psychologists. If you have doubts or feel like it's going "too quick" you can always slow the process down (on the other hand, speeding it up is a lot harder).
Once you successfully finished the RLE, you will get green light for the surgeries. There are several options and (as far as I know) you don't have to take them all, but as they are still so far away I am not really thinking about that step yet. If you guys are interested I can write another blog post about them though, and list the differences and pros and cons of certain surgeries. That is too much for this time though.

As you see this first "big" step is actually a very small one, and I still have a long road ahead of me with many pitfalls along the way. I cannot predict what it will look like and how exactly I will tread on it. That is something only time can tell.

Overanalysing

In the previous post about dysphoria, I explained the difference between body and social dysphoria, and also showed dysphoria can manifest in many different ways, depending on the situation.
However, also when dysphoria isn't directly triggered it is almost always there, but in a more... subtle form.
Basically I become overanalytical or paranoid about everything. From handwriting to mannerisms to appearance, I constantly think:

1. Do I pass/Do others see me as male/Do I look male
2. Am I "male enough" (on the inside)

The first point basically refers to anything social and physical. When I am out on the street and my eyes meet those of strangers, I try to figure out whether they see a dude or a gal walking by. And even when no-one is looking I am checking things, like "Does my butt look too big for a dude in these pants?" "Is it visible I don't have a package?" "Do I need to cut my hair?" "Do I look like a lesbian?" "Do I have too less hair on my arms?" "Do I look wimpy?" and so forth.
Basically every imaginable thing that has to do with appearance. This also includes things like mannerisms, like walking, sitting, choice of language...(though mannerisms are tricky, as they also fall a bit into point 2, but also not, as mannerisms are majorily taught, and not inborn)

The other point is something which manifests itself most when I am on my own and the need to 'pass' is less present than in public. (though still there. Some transpeople deliberately avoid mirrors, I actually constantly check myself in the mirror and try to look "through the eyes of a stranger" and decipher whether they would see a male or female. Often it doesn't leave me feeling better)
Because I am not born male, I have the feeling as if I have to "prove" to both myself and the outside world that I am "male enough" or "truly a dude" on the inside. This has nothing to do with looks, rather it has to do with the workings of my brain.
I tend to get over-analytical of everything I like (such as hobbies and interests), and how I "think" and do certain things. "Is that what a cisdude would do?"
It goes so far that I even attach a lot of value to the way my room or handwriting looks, and even try to analyse my way of thinking and looking at things, and figure out whether that is a "typical male" line of thought. Crazy, eh?

This is my handwriting (this sentence containts all letters from the alphabet), what do you think? Male? Female? Andro?

In fact, this promotes a lot of stereotypic thinking within me, like "men are this, women are that", and I KNOW that is total bullcrap, so I try not to change myself when I find a "female" trait.
There is no use in all of this if one mask ends up replacing the other. I am simply not a very dominant "Alpha Male", and if I'd try to become that, I'd end up being very unhappy.
A lot of gay men actually have a typical "female thought pattern", but yet they don't feel like women, so I figure... all of that actually says nothing at all.
My gender identity, my deep rooted feeling about what I am, clearly says male. And I should just leave it at that and stop the analysing, stop the taking myself down on my "feminine" and "tender" traits.
That, however, is easier said than done, and I cannot "shut off" those feelings. BUT I have sworn to myself not to change who I am just for the sake of being a "normal dude" (besides that... me and normal? Not gonna happen!), because transition is about becoming who you are. It completely defeats the purpose if I am going to play a role once again.

No more roles for me, unless it's in a play.

(EDIT: I changed the title from "dysphoric paranoia" to "overanalysing", because I felt the word "paranoia" was kinda... too heavy)

Games and gender identity

Lately I was thinking about 'early signs' I, and others, have missed.
I am not going to analyse my entire childhood and childhood behaviours now, as that is quite a big and complex chunk of information which I do not fully understand myself. Instead, in this post, I will focus on ONE thing that caught my attention lately, namely: gender choice in games.

As a kid/teen I played quite a lot of MMORPG games. I can't stand them now anymore, due the endless grinding and thinning down of friendliness in many game communities, but as a kid I was addicted to them. Majorily to Runescape (seriously, that game was my LIFE from 6/7th grade elementary school to 2nd grade high school), but I also played WoW for a while, even Maplestory and Adventure Quest, and various other non-online RPG games.

My WoW character, a Night Elf Hunter whose name was Asrath

But ONE thing stuck out: I would always play a male character, no matter what. I never thought of it as 'weird' back then, and I did not get as many questions about it as you might think. When someone asked me I either said I didn't like how "oversexed" the women looked (mainly referring to WoW, which has very sexualised characters and gear in general), or said I just "preferred it" or something daft like that.
Funnily enough I had lots of boys (and girls!) tell me technical lego and bionicles are "for boys" and I should not play with them, but surprisingly little people commented that I "should not" pick a male game character. Weird, eh?
At that time I did not even know "why" I always picked a guy. There was no "why", it just "felt right", if you get what I mean. But now I am wondering: was that an early sign? Or doesn't it mean anything at all?

My Runescape character raised some questions in game, though, as his name was Bella Kohler. My first character had my own name, but was "hacked" at level 10 (boo-hoo). In the end I think it was one of my classmates who did it, cause he was the only one who could read English, and we were stupid childish fuckers who knew nothing of gaming, and he had told us to pick our own name + a number as username, and use "ridder" (knight in Dutch) as password.
Stupid kiddos that we were, we listened to him. (ROFL!)
So I created a new character, which needed a new name. I did not want numbers in my name this time, and my dad suggested to name my character after my favourite plush dog, "Bella", which then again was named after my favourite childhood dog. I did not think it was "odd" to have a male character named Bella at that time at all. In fact, I saw Bella as a unisex name at that time, and also saw my plush dog as male.
Sometimes I'd change my hair colour, or even skin colour (I loved dark/toned skin), but never his gender, unless necessary for a quest, because that didn't "feel right".

I am the guy in the middle, those two others were friends

I also made both my WoW and Runescape character into comic characters, and wrote a lot of comics especially about Bella, in which he accidentally got "zapped" into the Runescape world, and then later on could travel between the real world and "game world" at will. Basically that was just a big fantasy/dream of me at that time, which I could 'live out' through the comics and drawings.

A picture from an old (traditional) drawing of Bella as a comic character (as you can see he wore his kilt, uhh I mean skirt, traditionally! ;P)

He was basically a persona of myself, and in many ways he was a lot like me, but more exaggerated or ideal (he was clumsy and messy, but his clumsyness often produced answers and solved problems rather than the opposite)
Basically he was who I wanted to be. Then how come I did not even think this was 'weird' or 'a sign' or anything like that at the time? How could I have been so blind?
Honestly? I don't know. I don't understand my own brain most of the time, honestly.

My newest drawing of him, depicted as the dog that originally carried his name. I deliberately made him look more or less androgynous, to emphasise the analogy between myself and him

I also always drew almost exclusively male characters, often the only females where my female friends (who were often also featured in the stories I wrote).
I still remember I used to create many other comic characters with a friend (sadly I lost the drawings of them), and then one of my female friends would always use their designs for a female form of my characters (she always asked first whether I was okay with that though, and didn't claim she made the design, etc.)
I never thought it was odd she did that. Nor did I ever think it was odd I only identified with males. (odd isn't it?)
Later I thought it had to be due the over-abundance of male heroes and main characters in popular media, and that I had just lacked "strong female role models", but when I look back at it... I had plenty, but just did not SEE them. It is true men seem to dominate games, movies and books, but that does not mean strong and badass women are absent either (and that's good, because I don't like sexism or stereotyping. Not at all)

Later in my teens things would become even a bit more confusing though, but that story is for another time, another day and another blog post.

A little talk on Packing and Binding

Transguys can do a lot to make themselves appear more masculine. Two of them are packing and binding.
Just a quick recap for the cisfolks out there: Binding refers to the act of using a special 'vest' to flatten one's top, and packing refers to anything a pre-op guy does to make him feel/look like he has a penis. This can range from stuffing one's underwear with a sock, to using a very expensive "prothesis" which is supposed to be almost indistinguishable from a 'real' penis in varying situations. (locker rooms, nude beach, urinals, sex, etc.)

Almost all (pre top-surgery) transguys bind, and those who don't often can't, because they are not out, for example. However, not all transguys pack. In fact, a lot of them don't, and that does not make them any less trans or male.

My personal binding story...
I did not bind for a long time, and people who know me well know I am not lying if I say I could even get away with it, because my chest is ridiculously small. I never wore a bra either, except for a sports bra which I had bought for 'binding' purposes, and to avoid having my nipples awkwardly protrude through slightly thinner shirts. (I hate it when they do that!)
At one point I could buy a cheap binder from a transbro, and I figured I should give it a try. I was not expecting much because my chest was so small, and I hardly had top dysphoria.
Even though no one saw the difference when I wore my binder compared to when I didn't, it still made me feel a lot better, mentally. If I now touched my chest, it felt like pecs, while as before it felt like weird blobs of blubber. Also when I run, or jump, or lean over, I don't feel them jiggling and wagging around anymore. I feel confident and proud to stand up and stick my chest out. Everyone may see it and how flat it is!
Binding, for me, was one of those little things which I never expected to help, but yet did. (I know for a lot of transguys binding is a pure necessity, I just happen to be lucky in the chest department)

But of course I said this blog post was going to include two subjects, binding and... yes indeed.

My packing story...
Occasionally I had stuffed my underwear with a sock, but I never felt very strongly that I "missed" something down there. Yes, okay, it makes me feel weird, but having a dick in a sudden would probably also make me feel weird, mainly because a wiener is much more... present... than a v-jay. Most of the time I don't feel like I have 'female' plumbing but simply nothing at all (shark week is an exception to this... dreaded shark week).
And no matter how realistic and expensive, a sillicone dick remains just that. A sillicone dick. It can even fall out of your pants, or unknowingly shift a little and make you look like you have a huge boner (and because you don't feel anything, you won't even notice! The horror!).
Because of those, and many other reasons, I remained sceptical of packing. When I, however, got the chance to buy a good and small-sized (I don't want a big size!) 3-in-1 packer for a discount, I decided I'd try it out anyway. (3-in-1 means for packing, pee-ing, and sex)
I felt like it would be good to at least have a packer for peculiar situations when it would be obvious I don't have male junk (like in a locker room), or when some prick wants to ball-squeeze me (gladly that never happened, but imagine if it would... again THE HORROR!), or when I just feel very insecure/uncomfortable.
And because this is a 3-in-1 it serves many more purposes than a simple soft packer (just for creating a bulge), a hard packer (for sex), or an STP device (for pee-ing). In fact, it serves all three of those purposes. (though less good than a specialised STP or hard packer would be)

This happens. A lot.

I am not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. Right now I am way too paranoid it will shift when I make a quick movement, and also does it still feel very 'separate' from me. But I am starting to get used to it more, and some moments I really already feel like it's an 'extension' from my own self. However I will have to experiment with it a bit longer to fully shape my opinion on it.
I plan to write a review on this specific packer sometime later, when I have tested it a bit better. I actually wanted to write that right away, but I don't feel like I can write a proper review right now already.

(I'm sorry to the guys/gals who looked forward to dickpicks, lol.)

Finally made the call + still waiting for my packer

A (sort of) short blog post this time, just to keep you guys posted.

I bought my first packer (= a prostetic penis), and it should arrive yesterday, or today, maybe tomorrow. But it's not there yet, so I'm kinda tense about that right now. I really hoped it would come soon, and I'm all pumped up about it since yesterday already. Anyway, I will make a new post when I got it. (don't worry, faint hearted viewers, I will post any pictures with a link, so you can choose to view them or not. After all... it IS a sillicone thing shaped to look like a phallus)
But I feel really quite sad that it isn't here yet... :c

And secondly, I FINALLY called the VU today. For the few non-Dutch readers; the VU is where our 'genderteam' is and where they can help you get the medical stuff done, as well as get psychological help/support.
I really hate calling. No I mean... I REALLY hate calling. Like seriously. Phones are like torture devices for me. I don't even like calling with friends/family, and the thought of calling a stranger induces mortal fear within me. I just kept putting making that call off, because I was too freaking scared to do it. 
But now I finally got myself together, and DID it!
The guy who answered the phone was really nice and relaxed, and my "OMYGODIAMDYING!!!" kind of fear quickly subsided (though I still remained tense, which is not good for my voice, lol. It peaks up when I'm tense!), he talked me through everything very smoothly, and explained to me I would get a letter which I had to sign to give them permission to get my medical records from my G.P., should get a refferal from my G.P. myself (because otherwise the insurance won't cover), and then they'd make an appointment with me for intake in JULY already!
Now, don't get overexcited right away. I asked some people, and found out the intake is separate from the waiting list, so I still have to wait about a year for the actual thing to kick off, which will first consist of many questionnaires and psychological and physical assessments. But still... I might have hormones in one, two years from now, and at that time I will still have almost all of my life in front of me. Not bad, I think. Not bad.

In that time, I hope me, my parents and (all of my) friends will open up about this topic and be able to discuss it freely with each other, with respect and openness. Because right now... I still feel very "stupid" or "silly" or like "making a fuss" when I want to talk with them about it. I know those are MY thoughts, subconscious thoughts that I have engrained into my being to 'cope' with my body and social role, and not THEIRS, but they still hinder me. A lot.
But it is something I, and they as well, need to grow into. Which I am certain will happen with time.  

Aaand, it appears that when I try to write something short it still ends up being long....

The Dysphoria Beast

Today I am going to talk about the mortal enemy of each and every transperson, FtM and MtF alike, Dysphoria.

Dysphoria is just a word to describe the feeling we get when we are confronted with our birth sex. Basically you have two types of dysphoria: body dysphoria, the feeling we have for our bodies, and social dysphoria, the feeling we have for our social role. Most transpeople experience both types, but sometimes one more or less than the other or more/less in different situations.
When I am reading a book or playing a game I do not have much noticable body or social dysphoria, because I am not being confronted with my birth sex in any way. However, when I am outside and I am referred to as female, I am 'reminded' to the fact that my outside does not match my inside and I will start to feel bad. When I take a bath or shower and catch a glimpse of myself I am also reminded of this fact, and will get dysphoric.
There are many situations where transpeople might feel dysphoria, basically EVERY situation which reminds us of our birth sex is a potential trigger.
Also can dysphoria express itself differently, depending on the situation, but it always has two common traits:

1. It's caused by a brain-body gender mismatch
2. It feels utterly terrible

For example, when I think I am passing perfectly as male, and someone refers to me as "miss" or "young lady", I will first get a feeling like I got a blow in the face, very intense spike of bad feelings, and then afterwards I will start checking everything frantically which might have caused them to misgender me. Was it the way I walked? My voice? My clothing? Don't I have a 'male enough vibe'? Is it my face? Is it something I can change? Is everybody seeing me as female or was that person an exception? And so on... I will keep feeling like this for a while, and when no one misgenders me again in an hour or so it will mostly go away, otherwise... the cycle starts again.

Second example, when I am going to visit some friends whom I am not out to or family, etc. I know beforehand I will be misgendered, so it will not feel like a "blow in the face". Also won't I start thinking why they did it, and get all paranoid about how I look, because I know they just have met me as female and know no better. I can look as much like a boy as I want, but unless I meet them with a baritone voice and a full beard chances are they won't say anything in fear of "insulting" me.
However this does not mean I feel no dysphoria, it is simply of a different nature. At such occasions I feel more like being an actor in a play, putting on a mask and acting as if all is fine while it is not.

Body dysphoria, for me, manifests mostly when taking a bath, going to the toilet, being undressed/changing clothes, being around cismen of my age or transmen who are further in their transition and the thought of sexual intimacy.
Taking a bath is worse than taking a pee, and being around cis/trans men makes me feel more like a little kid rather than a female. Also don't I have bottom dysphoria (genital dysphoria) in social situations, because I don't see it, they don't see it, it's not relevant and I can forget about it. That does however not mean I don't ever have bottom dysphoria or body dysphoria in general.

Also when body dysphoria hits me full-strength it tends to be worse than social dysphoria, but the social dysphoria is more prevalent throughout the entire day and thus appears more bothersome. However because social dysphoria is almost always there I can push it away somewhat better, and I only feel extra bad at confrontation-moments, like when I have to go to a public toilet, go clothe-shopping, or  get misgendered. When that situation is gone, the dysphoria fades rather quickly (say in fifteen minutes to an hour, depending on the initial intensity and my mood at the moment)
Body dysphoria, however, is mostly not noticeable for me, because the social dysphoria overshadows it. But when it does break through, there is nothing which can stop it, because even though it might have been induced by a quick action, it applies to something which I carry around all day: my body. So when the trigger is gone, I still feel bad, because I cannot just 'forget' my body is not how it should be.

Every transperson copes differently with the feelings of dysphoria, some cry, some talk, some shut themselves off.
I do the latter option. When I get dysphoric I should actually talk about it with people and tell them how I feel, etc. but what I do is stop interacting, draw myself in, be on my own, evade people, and hope to forget how I feel that way. I know it's not the right way of dealing with it. It makes outsiders even more confused and makes me feel worse, but I don't know how to change it... ignoring and repressing is how I learnt to "deal" with my dysphoria, and now it is taking it's toll on me.

I just wrote this to hopefully clear up for people what dysphoria is and try to make clear how it feels and how devastating it can be to a person, in many ways. It is one of the most terrible feelings I know, along with injustice and... lack of ice cream (hehe), and it's the feeling that causes (most) transpeople to take the step to transition, because only then the dysphoria will go away.
Never to return again.

It just did not occur to me...

I tried to write a bit on how I experienced gender when I was younger, how I eventually found out I'm trans, and why I am so "late" compared to some other transguys.
I know a lot of transguys who expressed they were boys from a very early age. A recent example is the born-deaf transboy Ryland, who got a lot of media attention lately because of his accepting parents. Many of them have clearly expressed they wanted a penis or felt like they were/should have been boys.
But me as a kid... I was both a very typical and a very atypical transboy.

I never said "I AM a boy" or "I want a penis", etc. Though I did say a few times "Why haven't I just been born a boy?" or "I wish I were a boy", but every time those thoughts were dismissed as utter crap, and thus I just shut up about it and figured I just 'had to deal with it'. I also tried pee-ing standing up a few times, but which child doesn't? As soon as I realized I was just making a big mess I quickly stopped trying.
I just never thought deeply about "D-'s and V-'s" (I was especially oblivious of the whole existence of the latter. In my head there were people with dicks and people without them.) and I thought that that little sausage was the ONE and ONLY thing determining whether you were a boy or a girl (since that is what people tell you). Even though I did not identify with the 'other' girls (in the case of tomboyish girls I could get along quite well with them though), never picked female game characters or dreamt of myself as a female, but I also knew I had no 'little sausage', thus I considered it a FACT I was a girl. Just like you can't say a black person is actually a white person or that a donkey is actually a horse.
The other fact that I did not truly feel like one of those elusive creatures called a "girl" did not take that away. I just figured I either had to be crazy, or all other human beings without a dick felt exactly like I did but just 'coped with it better'.
The whole thought that a human being can also have a GENDER (= 'sex of the brain') did just not occur to me because I saw sex/gender as some factual thing. You have XY chromosomes or XX chromosomes and that's it. A square cannot become a circle and the other way around.

I have had several phases of denial and trying to be "just a normal girl", the longest and most persistent of them in high school, post puberty, because at that point I suddenly had to face the facts of my biology even more than before. Suddenly people wanted me to shave my legs and armpits (I didn't), wear a bra (I didn't. Bras are for women) and cope with a monthly feast of blood and gore. Also did I get bullied with my boyish appearance again (my classmates would call me "it" and ask "are you a boy or a girl" in a nasty-whining tone, etc. and would not communicate normally with me at all and acted as if I was some sort of a crazy anomaly), and because I figured I ''had no choice" I grew my hair out, and tried dressing a bit more feminine, which still consisted mainly of big hoodies and jeans. At that time my tomboy friends got their puberty as well, and we'd hate together on how shitty it was to be 'female' and how much we hated the flobby things on our chest and that monthly 'shark week'. I did not feel too "off" then, as they despised their puberty as well. I thought it was normal.
But when they got older and matured into women, they started loving their breasts, female clothes and curves, I still despised them when I looked in the mirror. I did not understand what was "wrong" with me, why I could not just accept and love it like they could, why everything female felt so foreign and weird to me. I started to realize that what I felt wasn't "normal", like I had always thought, and started to think I thus had to be crazy and just out of my mind. Until I, by mere coincidence, saw a documentary about transgenders. This guy spoke on how he felt about his body, how foreign and 'wrong' it felt to him, how he had never felt like a girl, etc. and I just sat there... eyes wide open "HOLY FUCK! This is me!"
It was like I got a blow in the face with a hammer. All the time it had been staring me in the face. The awkward feelings, the feeling of it being 'wrong' and weird, of not-belonging with the female half of humanity, the reason why I never grew out of my "tomboy phase", like most kids, why the thought of being a lesbian couple freaked me out, and why I could never imagine myself to have female sex with a guy. Why the thought of being a gay guy or a guy with a girl turned me on more, made me happier, than assuming the female role in a relationship. Suddenly it just all "clicked", you know. (FYI: I am pan, which is basically bi but even more... open)
However, it would take another couple of years before I could FULLY accept it for myself and not feel 'weird' or 'crazy' or like I 'let people down' (my parents, friends, etc.), and then another year before I'd come out to quite a few of them and make the final decision to actually transition from female-to-male.

My life has been quite a rollercoaster ride, not just gender-wise, and it is difficult to structure it, but nevertheless I want to. For my own sake, and hopefully also to help others and show them things from my point of view.

Feel free to ask questions, if you have any, or suggestions for next posts, etc. whatever you want to share. I hope you are enjoying reading my blog :)

Cheers,
Erik

I'm back!

I know I didn't write for a long time... but anyway, a lot happened in my life in that time.

• I quit my study of biology and decided to follow my dream in arts and illustration (also the only thing I am truly good at AND love)
• I came out to my parents through a letter. I spoke to them about it a few more times but they still have a hard time accepting it and still call me "girl" a dozen times a day. They don't hate me now or anything, but I don't think they really understand.
• I got my first ever binder! :) Feels so good! Even though my chesticles are small.
• I am going to buy my first packer as well. A secondhand peecock 1st gen. I know the 1st gen isn't as good as the 2nd, but because it's second hand it's also a lot cheaper.
• I came out to some more friends, some who call me Erik already, some who sadly don't. I yet have to come out to my best friends, but I find it difficult because I have known them for 6+ years throughout my longest "female" phase.
• The genderteam opened it's doors again (YAY!) but the waiting list will probably be around a year (not so yay :c) and the diagnostic process will probably take half a year or more (also not yay). So HOPEFULLY I will have T within 1,5 year. Seems very long right now... but then again, I'd be just 21 (I am 19 now, but birthday in january, so in +/- 1,5 year there is a big chance I'll already be 21). Okay, I missed my entire puberty, but at that age I still have the biggest part of life ahead of me. A life which I can from then on live as MYSELF!
• Also did I subscribe to my new school as Erik and informed them I am trans. They were amazingly cool with it and changed my name in the system and all without a fuss. I am so happy about that! 

Okay, that's about all the gender related stuff. Study swap isn't gender related, but it IS an important step which I couldn't leave out ;)

Ciao later guys! I'll try to keep up with the blogs better now. I am also going to write some bits and pieces about my past and thoughts etc. How I developed as a child and typical/non-typical trans-things I did.