Living a double life

First of all... sorry for the long silence. I had some personal issues that made focussing on my blog (or art) really difficult. Also have I gotten a little pet ratty, Zelda, who has been taking a lot of attention. I am going to get her a friend this week, hopefully she will feel less lonely then. (yup, I know, never keep rats on their own. Learned that a little bit too late)

One of the things I wanted to address today is a difficulty I have to deal with quite a lot lately. Seemingly living "two lives in one".
In this early phase of coming out and transition there are many people who I am not out to, a bunch  whom I am out to but still treat me as female, a few who I am out to who DO see me as male now, and some who simply never knew me as female.
Thanks to this I live both as male and female depending on the circumstances and people I am with. Especially the latter (living as female) is getting more and more unpleasant due being able to interact with people as male. Like, you get a taste of a lollipop, but then it's pulled away from you again.
If I have to "be female" now it feels even more like a show. A theatre act. A mask.
But as male I do not feel fully at ease now either, this has more to do with the feeling of not being a "proper male" rather than not wanting to be/feeling male. I feel very bad for my body, but aside from my genes and downstairs I don't think I have a particularly feminine physical makeup. Not very masucline either, just... very androgynous.

My voice, however, is the worst of it all. I feel like I have an ultra high sissy voice, and even though THAT might be overreacting/non-realistic viewing from my side, anyone who has heard it will probably acknowledge that I DO have a pretty "normal female voice".
In fact, people often mistake me for my mom over the phone, or tell me I have a "beautiful girl/woman's voice". Of course people saying that are trying to make me feel good, but they don't. In fact they only confirm my insecurities I have about my voice.

Right now I feel like I'm in a "twilight zone" of being male and female. I feel like right now I fit both boxes and neither boxes. My outside reflects female, but how I feel within is male. I cannot live as female, because -obviously- I AM not female. It makes me very unhappy to live like that all the time. But I cannot properly live as male either due the way I look and sound. Basically I'm stuck in limbo, and I HATE it!

Also another difficulty is that the friends/people who see me as male will not, should not and can not ever mix with the people/friends who see me as female, as that will weird out both groups (and me!). I find it hard when a friend who sees me fully as male comes over, because my parents don't see me as such yet (even though I told them. I guess they just need time to adjust), but when a friend who sees me as female comes over I find it hard TOO, because that means I have to play a role again.

It gives me a bad taste in my mouth and a stone in my stomach when I have to fill in my legal name somewhere, but when I fill in Erik I am also very afraid/paranoid someone will come up to me and say "Are you crazy? You aren't a guy!". Same for public toilets. I don't feel at home in the women's, but I am afraid someone will clock me in the men's. Basically I can go no-where now. I fit no where. That is right now one of the biggest difficulties I am facing in this early phase of (social) transition.

I just want... to be able to be myself without having to "prove" anything, without having anyone "second guess" me or look at me weirdly. That's all. Is that so much asked?