Anyway, right now I'm three months (and two days) on T, and the changes are coming along way better than I expected or even hoped in the beginning. Talking about changes, shots, experiences... I'll get into that right now!
First of all, my shot adventure *drummroll*
I let my GP do my second shot, and did my third shot myself with the GP present. Both times went just PER-FECT. No hitch, no issues, nothing. Not even a bit of pain.
I felt so proud I did it so well and felt it was no big deal whatsoever. I was even kinda excited to do my fourth shot, entirely on my own this time.
However, I forgot how to get all the hormones to the bottom of the vial (often a bubble forms in the top part of the vial (I use a single-dose vial, like one of these).
I just kinda freaked out when this happened, cause, doh... all my hormones! I don't want to lose even a bit of my aaah-maah-zing hormones, YO!
When I checked, I just lost 0,1 ml (still 10 friggin %...), and figured it was good enough to do my shot anyway, rather than get a new vial and waste the entire rest of the one I had just opened. I was kinda shaky now, because of what just happened, but my shot went fine for the rest of it.
My fifth shot I figured out how to get the bubble out correctly, and I prepared my syringe without a single hitch, but when I actually stuck the needle in my leg... I guess I must have been too tense, or maybe hit a nerve or something... since my leg muscle just TWITCHED suddenly. Like a spasm.
It really didn't feel good, but the needle was already in my leg, and I really didn't feel like aborting my shot in the midst of it, so I just finished it up, though again kinda shaky, and feeling like: "I want this needle OUT OF MY LEG RIGHT NOW!" in the rush, I even forgot the last bit (again lost 0,1 ml. OHNUU), and afterwards my leg hurt like crazy.
I thought I was ready for my sixth shot though, because even though I was pretty nervous this time, I now knew EXACTLY what to do and how to do it. Previous two times I thought "Ah easy man, I got this" and might have rushed on some bits, resulting in some mistakes. But even though I was now even better prepared than ever... I just couldn't do it anymore. I was just... stuck.
I sat there for about half an hour with my syringe all prepped and ready right above my leg. I tried counting, music, relaxation techniques, but nothing helped. Whenever I was about to actually DO my shot, my entire brain just went "NONONONONONONONO!!!" and I simply couldn't get myself to do it.
In a hurry I went to the GP, prepped syringe in hand (like a druggie, yo!), and she just really quickly did it for me.
For my seventh shot I again made an appointment with the GP, "just in case", and my thought was I'd probably be totally ok about it again when someone knowledgeable would sit next to me, and I'd just do that one or two times, and then go back to doing it myself. But this time AGAIN... anxiety hit me, and I couldn't get myself to do it, even with her next to me. I just felt my stomach clench up at the thought of sticking that needle into myself, whereas the first three times I felt ZERO fear whatsoever.
I think this is both because the first few times I was just TOO excited that I was getting hormones to even feel the fear, and because of those two times (especially the last) it went a bit wobbly.
I now agreed with my GP that she will do it three more times, and I should just let it go alltogether for that time. Not think about doing it myself at all. And hopefully disconnect that feeling of anxiety from getting my shot that way, and be able to do it myself again. Because you have to take sustanon (the 'brand' of T I use) every two weeks I really want to be able to do my own shots again... since going to the GP on a weekday every 2 weeks is really... quite a nuisance in my schedule.
So yeah, that's what happened with each shot (yeah I know, so exciting, lol. But I just try to share as much of my personal experiences. If you aren't interested, just scan over it or don't read it at all)
Now on to the more exciting part... the changes!
Week 1-4:
Not much of a change at all. Just mainly feeling more at ease and more confident. Like a giant weight just fell off my shoulders. But that's not the effect of the T itself. My shark week stopped INSTANTLY from the start of T. I got some cramps in my lower abdomen sometimes AS IF I were getting shark week... but not a single drop.
Voice: 1 week on T/pre-T
4 weeks on T (first noticeable change!)
Week 4-1 month:
First moment my voice started changing noticeably for me. The first drop happened quite sudden, and from there on it kept on dropping more gradual (at least in my own experience). Some increase in libido and downstairs growth. I also started getting sudden muscle cramps around 3-6 weeks on T. Like, I would just have to tense my muscles a bit, and they would just clench up suddenly. This went away after a month or so.
Voice: 1 month on T
2 months:
Voice dropped even more and becomes less 'cracky' and unstable. Feel like I'm getting a bit stronger and having better stamina. (But then another day I'm still wheezing and huffing exhausted like ever. So I dunno if that's even really happening) Very slight increase in hair growth (but only very slightly). Skin getting rougher and oilier. I find it super awkward to show my ID right now, since it's not yet changed (even more awkward than before), since people generally see me as a guy now, and are pretty taken aback when they see my ID. I just want to yell at them "YOU GOT IT RIGHT! Don't look at that shit! That aint correct! I'm a guy! Don't think I'm some chainsmoking uber manly butch lesbian who will break your balls or something, please."
Voice: 2 months on T
I didn't hear much difference in my voice this time, so maybe it's settled for the time being already (but wow... that would be really quick!), but it sounds fully masculine, so that's just AWESOME! My skin, especially on my forehead, is pretty itchy and flaky sometimes now. I also notice I can get frustrated/annoyed a bit more easily. Not really like >ANGRY< but this "Urgh... grrr!" feeling. Especially when I'm under pressure I can get quite prickly sometimes. And I just pass almost ALL the time now! Just, wow... I never expected that to happen so soon. People who I just meet recently actually tell me "If I wouldn't have known, there's no way I would have suspected it". The only thing is that people generally age me around 16 to 18, while I am actually 20. When I tell people I'm 20, I sometimes get looks of surprise, but a joke like "Yeah, I know I have a babyface. I'm just FOREVER YOUNG baby!" usually takes the awkwardness out of the situation.
I don't even feel like my face and body changed that much, but my psych at the VU told me she saw clear differences, and that while I was andro/ambigious at first, I totally read as a guy to her now. It's really funny and kinda amazing how SUCH tiny changes in one's appearance can change the way we perceive someone.
Voice: 3 months on T
Below, a small "timeline" of my face. Forgive my kinda grumpy expression, this is just my resting bitchface. I was simply trying to have as little expression on my face as possible, to make comparison easier.
I tried to take the photo in the same way, same lightning, etc. each time, but yeah, that's trickier than it sounds. Anyway, I will keep up with this timeline over the following months to document my face changes.
And now... on to the last bit of this rather giganormous blog update (I have something to make up for after three months of silence, eh?)... the 3 month check up
So, first I had to get an ultrasound taken from my biological organs, just to be sure everything is OK inside me.
I was really nervous about this, as well, doh, I would have to go the the gynaecology waiting room and all, share it with mainly pregnant women, to have my friggin UTERUS checked. A thing which I'm not even supposed to have.
As I walked towards the waiting room, some doors of the doctor's rooms where open, and through them I saw things that appeared like torture devices to me. Like... these awkward "special" chairs to put your feet in, metal tools to check inside someone's... well... you get where this is going.
I indeed shared it with mostly pregnant women, and had to wait fifteen minutes longer than expected. This was really an awkward and rather nerve-wrecking moment. But the doctor called me with "Mr Kohler", and was really chill about everything (apparently she knew she was going to see a trans patient, since she didn't even give me a weird look or anything, which really helped).
She was pretty relaxed and used the correct pronouns and everything, even though she was discussing reproductive organs most commonly seen in women, and because of this the ultrasound itself wasn't half as bad as I expected it to be. Only thing I regret right now is not taking a quick picture with my phone of the prints of the ultrasound she gave me. I mean... it might be my uterus, but it's also still MY uterus (for the time being) and this might be the first and last time I ever get to see it. And besides that, having a picture of your insides is just... plain cool! (or is that just me?)
After the ultrasound I went upstairs for the endo check up. I had to wait quite a long time. She just repeated the same measurements and tests as she did the first time, (blood pressure, strength, weight, circumference of several areas on my body) and asked me a couple questions on how I was doing, what changes I was experiencing etc.
It appears my entire body shape is gradually changing to a more masculine form (yay!). I didn't even notice the shape of my body itself was changing already, but it simply happens so gradually you don't really notice much... until you look back later. One downside was that apparently I put on 7 kg of weight. Some of that might be muscle, but I doubt all of it is... I hope this won't continue down the wrong direction (Idunwannabefat! :c).
After that, I had to fill in some more questionnaires (if you're just starting your trajectory at the VUMC... get used to them bro (or sis)), had a talk with my psych and had to get some blood drawn.
Not very interesting or anything. It took way longer than I expected though. I hoped to be back home 'round 1 or 2, but it got way later...
Well, at least I'll just have to go on check ups every 3 months now, rather than every month, and next time will just be a talk with the endo and my psych, rather than all the tests and such.
On a side note, I also got my birth certificate changed today. WHOOP! I hope I'll get my new ID somewhere next week or so. I can't wait!
Well, that's it for now. I hope you at least slightly enjoyed to read my ramblings. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me. Or if you feel like my blog would help someone (another transperson, perhaps? Or someone having a transperson in their lives, seeking to understand what we go through better), feel free to share it with them.
