So... how do I survive the monthly 'hell week'? (I huddle up in a dark corner, live on ice cream, candy, lots of coffee, and listen to loud psychedelic music until it's over. Ahem... no, lol! :P)
Well, something which really helped for me, is not to see it as something specifically 'feminine' anymore. After all, there ARE men who menstruate! Namely, TRANSmen. You can say whatever you want, but for me, transmen are just as much men as cismen.
Besides that... just imagine that CIS men were the ones menstruating (and having a womb), and not women. They'd probably brag about how 'strong' one has to be to 'survive' five days of intense bleeding and pain, saying women are 'weak' and cannot deal with pain properly BECAUSE they don't menstruate (and don't deal with the pain of childbirth). They'd also say that a womb is a far more superior organ compared to a penis (which, biologically seen, it IS! (just gimme a penis though, lol)), because a penis hangs in the outside and is vulnerable, and the womb can give 'the gift of life'. Also would a man have to be strong to have a 'parasite' (as that is basically what a baby is (mothers, don't kill me!)) in your belly for NINE months and share your 'resources and energy' with it.
We should just stop seeing genitals as the indication of gender, and rather see them as 'useful tools' to get kids with, pleasure with, and pee with. The TRUE gender is in one's head, not in one's body. If only cispeople could see and accept this, a lot of transpeople would feel a lot happier (some might even not transition, and at least feel more accepted BEFORE they transition)
So the next time you feel shit about hell week, think about how goddamn manly it is! Or you could of course buy yourself some nice treat, take off the pressure, maybe buy some new masculine shirt if that makes you feel good, or just relax and do nothing all the time. Just take it easy, and don't think about things feminine. And yes... I still don't like it either. Fact is... I HATE it. But these small things have kept me from going insane WHILE hating it. ;)
vrijdag 5 juli 2013
dinsdag 2 juli 2013
Weirdest reaction to coming out EVER! (rant)
In my first blogpost I wrote about 'sort of' being in the closet about being trans. I said 'sort of' because I came out to my friends in a letter, which would basically make me 'out', but I FEEL like still being 'in', because of their reaction.
About two weeks ago, I wrote this; (warning! LONG!)
All day at school, they said nothing. Not a word. Not even a simple "Ey, what's up with this transgender business?" or "What does it mean what you wrote?", "Why do you think you're trans?",etc. NOTHING. Not a word. Not even denial or disagreement, just nothing!
I was too afraid to bring it up myself, too much of a chicken and less of a man, and therefore decided to give them more time. Maybe they were afraid other people would meddle in or hear it, as I told them to be careful around others, explicitly my parents. So we went to home of one of my friend's, and decided to stay till dinner. We talked a lot in private. They had plenty of time to bring it up, and so did I...
But they said nothing. I said nothing. And they even called me "girl" and "she" multiple times, and eventually when I told them I didn't have a dress for the graduation ball yet, hoping they'd get my hint, they reacted like "Well get one quick then!". I really wanted to shout at them. Say "Girls! I'm a GUY, how idiotic would it be for me to go in a DRESS, eh?", but I didn't have the balls for it. I said nothing, and felt like utter shit. I never knew being misgendered could get even worse, but it did! It was A LOT worse now I knew they read my letter, and KNEW I was trans. It felt like they were openly denying what I was, not taking it seriously.
I have decided on ONE thing because of this, and that's that I won't come out in a letter to my parents (and a second time to friends!), but will tell them in person. Because when I'm ready to tell them, I am ready to discuss it, and correct them if they misgender me, etc. which I am not now, and wasn't when I wrote that letter. I forced a 'coming out' too soon, which resulted in this horrible situation. So if you're reading this, please learn from my mistake, and don't come out once you're not comfortable with talking about it openly, it will save you a reaction like this one.
Even though, like you can read, I strongly pressed them NOT to be silent. Because I feared for this reaction somehow... and my fears came true.
About two weeks ago, I wrote this; (warning! LONG!)
They replied to it, saying something along the lines of "We don't quite know what to say right now, but are still your friend and want to talk about this tomorrow at school.", I was excited, but nervous, when I went to school the next day, seeing it as 'the great day'. When I saw them, they greeted me as usual, chatted with me as usual, etc. but didn't say anything about what I wrote. I decided to give them some time, as I was afraid that if I would breach the subject their good moods might shift, and chatted along happily.Okay everyone, first of all I want to say that I've thought about writing this for a very long time, but was (read; am) very afraid to do so. I just don't know how to explain it all, and I don't want to appear a weirdo (I know I amlol!), or crazy, nor do I want to shock people/make them sad/unhappy, etc. but I just HAVE to talk about this. I also know I should actually send my friends an email, or tell them in person, and I tried... but I just can't... (feel free to always note (or email, if you got my adress) me though) so please bare with me. I DO want you to ask me things, say what you're thinking or wondering, even though it's difficult for me to talk about it, the silence would kill me...
I have it on my DevID for a while, and since no-one commented on it, I don't know how many people saw (some part of me is afraid people DO know, but go in 'denial' or 'ignore mode'), but I'm very seriously suspecting I'm 'transgender', which -very simply put- means that the way I feel about my gender doesn't match with how my body/biology thinks about it. In other words; I feel like a boy, but -as most people know- I AM a girl (on the outside, that is).
I have no idea whether this comes as a shock to people or not. I mean, I've always been sort of boyish, but that still is not a definite 'red flag' of actually feeling like one (same way is gender identity and sexuality unrelated as well. Transgenders can be as well gay, straight, bi, asexual, and everything in between as "normal"-genders, called CISgenders (if you forget, think of chemistry and cis-trans configurations. The cis is on the same side (two matching genders 'mental' and 'physical'), the trans is 'unaligned' ('mental' and 'physical' gender don't match))). And "swapping gender", as some people might see it, is quite something. I know parents, friends, etc. of transgenders saying they 'knew/suspected it all along' (just like with many gay people, actually), and I have NO idea if that will be the case with me as well.
I will also say that I haven't sorted everything out yet completely, and that some days I feel DEFINITELY certain, like a 100% certain, of what I am, while other days I'm completely confused as HELL! And I just wonder whether I'm 'making life harder than it has to be', or anything like that. I tried figuring everything on myself for so long... not speaking a word... but I'm not getting any further now, and I feel like I can only fully start becoming who I am and accepting myself if I tell other people what I'm going through, in all honesty, not leaving out difficulties, doubts, or fears, and pretending everything is 'oh so clear' and 'perfectly okay' (which I dearly want to do, but I cannot lie, y'kow. As when I would lie to other people, I'd ALSO be lying to myself, and that is one of the most dangerous things to do, as before you know it... you will start believing your own lies YOURSELF!)
And even though I'd as gladly deny my doubts as I'd deny my transgender feelings, both are part of what I'm going through right now, whether I, or you, like it or not.
You guys have no idea how nervous I am about posting this, writing this even, but it HAS to be said.
I just deeply hope everyone understands, and accepts me as who I am, regardless of this whole matter.
Also I will encourage anyone to ask ANY question, if not in the comments section, in a note, etc. At this stage of just coming out I won't be offended, as long as the question is asked out of genuine naivity/curiosity. PLEASE don't stay silent because you don't know what to say, or are afraid to offend me. I cannot press hard enough that silence would hurt more than (almost) anything else. (use your common sense here, lol!)
I don't know what to say next... *closes eyes, presses 'submit' and prays, begs, and hopes for the best*
All I ask... is a little bit of understanding ,v__v
All day at school, they said nothing. Not a word. Not even a simple "Ey, what's up with this transgender business?" or "What does it mean what you wrote?", "Why do you think you're trans?",etc. NOTHING. Not a word. Not even denial or disagreement, just nothing!
I was too afraid to bring it up myself, too much of a chicken and less of a man, and therefore decided to give them more time. Maybe they were afraid other people would meddle in or hear it, as I told them to be careful around others, explicitly my parents. So we went to home of one of my friend's, and decided to stay till dinner. We talked a lot in private. They had plenty of time to bring it up, and so did I...
But they said nothing. I said nothing. And they even called me "girl" and "she" multiple times, and eventually when I told them I didn't have a dress for the graduation ball yet, hoping they'd get my hint, they reacted like "Well get one quick then!". I really wanted to shout at them. Say "Girls! I'm a GUY, how idiotic would it be for me to go in a DRESS, eh?", but I didn't have the balls for it. I said nothing, and felt like utter shit. I never knew being misgendered could get even worse, but it did! It was A LOT worse now I knew they read my letter, and KNEW I was trans. It felt like they were openly denying what I was, not taking it seriously.
I have decided on ONE thing because of this, and that's that I won't come out in a letter to my parents (and a second time to friends!), but will tell them in person. Because when I'm ready to tell them, I am ready to discuss it, and correct them if they misgender me, etc. which I am not now, and wasn't when I wrote that letter. I forced a 'coming out' too soon, which resulted in this horrible situation. So if you're reading this, please learn from my mistake, and don't come out once you're not comfortable with talking about it openly, it will save you a reaction like this one.
Even though, like you can read, I strongly pressed them NOT to be silent. Because I feared for this reaction somehow... and my fears came true.
Style or Pass?
One of the difficulties I, and with me many transpeople, am facing is the compromise between personal style, and 'doing what every cisguy does' to aid passing.
I am quite a 'strange' person to many, and have very much a distinct style of my own (which is a bit of a rocker, hippie and skater mixed together. Cannot describe it otherwise). I like to wear 'odd' clothing, and to top that off I have pretty long dreadlocks.
Often I contemplated whether I should cut them, since 'long hair is long hair', and I feel like it hinders my passing, even though some fellow transguys on online communities have said otherwise. I am really attached to my dreads, on a personal and emotional level, and they really suit my style and personality. But short hair has a lot of advantages too, especially as a transguy...
Also wearing unusual clothing focusses people's attention on you, which makes it easier for them to clock you, and when you dress like any other guy, people are easy to assume you ARE 'any other guy'.
It can be quite difficult to stick to yourself when in early transition, especially when you're a 'weird bird' in a flock of common ones. I have never been "normal" though, and probably never WILL be. I don't feel at ease when just 'blending in' and being 'normal'. A goal in my life is to defy every single rule there is in the universe, starting with gravity and the speed of light! :P Okay... maybe not... but at least stereotypes concerning gender, transpeople, hippies, gamers... labels... so many labels...!
And even though it makes me feel dysphoric sometimes, I decided not to completely lose my 'own' style, my 'own' person (which is totally independent from gender!), or anything like that in the process of socially, and eventually physically, transitioning.
But whatever I do, the doubts and worries follow me everywhere. Even into my sleep! I wish I could just wake up the next day as a cisguy, and stop worrying about what is considered truly 'male', about whether people will see or accept me as male, and how I should walk, speak, and sit.
I am quite a 'strange' person to many, and have very much a distinct style of my own (which is a bit of a rocker, hippie and skater mixed together. Cannot describe it otherwise). I like to wear 'odd' clothing, and to top that off I have pretty long dreadlocks.
Often I contemplated whether I should cut them, since 'long hair is long hair', and I feel like it hinders my passing, even though some fellow transguys on online communities have said otherwise. I am really attached to my dreads, on a personal and emotional level, and they really suit my style and personality. But short hair has a lot of advantages too, especially as a transguy...
Also wearing unusual clothing focusses people's attention on you, which makes it easier for them to clock you, and when you dress like any other guy, people are easy to assume you ARE 'any other guy'.
It can be quite difficult to stick to yourself when in early transition, especially when you're a 'weird bird' in a flock of common ones. I have never been "normal" though, and probably never WILL be. I don't feel at ease when just 'blending in' and being 'normal'. A goal in my life is to defy every single rule there is in the universe, starting with gravity and the speed of light! :P Okay... maybe not... but at least stereotypes concerning gender, transpeople, hippies, gamers... labels... so many labels...!
And even though it makes me feel dysphoric sometimes, I decided not to completely lose my 'own' style, my 'own' person (which is totally independent from gender!), or anything like that in the process of socially, and eventually physically, transitioning.
But whatever I do, the doubts and worries follow me everywhere. Even into my sleep! I wish I could just wake up the next day as a cisguy, and stop worrying about what is considered truly 'male', about whether people will see or accept me as male, and how I should walk, speak, and sit.
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