Hey there people, it has been quite a while since my last post again (because I hardly had any time :c). Today I want to talk about an issue I am having lately, PLUS some good news/updates! (so it's not only negative. Happy now?)
I am VERY very happy to finally have started my diagnostic process. Finally I can see the ending of this, finally I can foresee the good things coming up, finally I'm moving forward instead of sitting on my lazy ass and pushing it all aside.
Buuut this also has a flip-side. Basically since my first talk I have had an increased difficulty to focus on OTHER aspects of my life, such as -you guessed it- school!
I always said, and still say, that being trans is only a small portion of who I am (it is just an aspect of me, and has nothing to do with my personality), but right now this SMALL portion is taking up a BIG part of my brain.
Added to this is the fact that we got a new scedule with the start of the next period, which leaves room for a LOT less free time after school to do homework and such, and some other 'special days' in the scedule, I have a great difficulty getting 'into' the flow of work, this period. On a positive note, I find that my work is improving, and that I am generally more 'free' with experimenting than previous period. However I still find that I have a great difficulty focussing and finding the energy to put my heart and soul in it, like I WANT and SHOULD.
The dysphoria also has gotten worse since living more-or-less fully as a guy. It is quite ironic that at the same time I feel more at 'peace' more calm and happy on the inside, while I also feel more stressed, anxious and self-conscious about my body. Some days it's so bad I just want to retreat somewhere, be that my room, a toilet, or just a quiet corner, but often I can't. I have to 'hold myself together' and make sure that mask shows no cracks. I am able to do this, in fact I am not even sure if I could SHOW it, but it costs me a lot of energy nevertheless.
I spoke about this, and also the concern I had about having to miss classes for my visits to the VU, with my SLB'er (some sort of a mentor), and she was very supportive of me. She reassured me she understood the difficulties I was having, and it would not be a problem for my study at all. I am still worried, though, because I don't think the teachers would make an exception for me because all of this, and frankly... even if they would, I wouldn't WANT them to. It would make me feel 'sick' or 'pitiful', and all I want is be normal and live a life like anybody else, be treated just like anybody else.
I don't want to be 'special' or 'different' (okay, I am, just being an artist makes me 'different' already, but that is a fundamental part of me as a PERSON, being trans is not. It is as much a part of my PERSONALITY as having diabetes or asthma would be for someone else), in fact a part of me is even reluctant to talk about it because I'd feel I would be 'attention whoring' too much, being too much like 'SEE ME! I AM SO POOR! Oh nooo noo nooo! PITY MEEE', and the LAST thing I'd ever, ever want is to be pitied. On the other hand, all of it is bothering me and occupying me for a great deal right now, and writing it down, sharing it, talking about it, helps me deal with it better. It makes me feel like I am not carrying this stone alone anymore, but I carry it together with everybody who cares about me, making it a lot easier to lift.
Buuut move away from all this whining and negativity, I also have some good news!
First of all, I came out to my classmates (felt better towards them. They are great people and I thought they deserved to know), and they responded REALLY well! All of them were very supportive and even said things like "You're a boss" "Respect for being so brave to tell us" "You're an awesome dude!" and so forth. I am very happy I took the step to tell them!
Secondly, my parents, mainly my dad, are getting more understanding and respectful of the way I feel. I feel like I can talk more and more openly with them about it, which is great! My dad even called me "Erik" and "dude" a couple of times. I notice they still find it a weird thought to see me as a guy, but I suppose that's just normal, and I notice from lots of little cues they are truly trying to slowly start accepting me as their son.
And third, I am going to come out to one of my oldest and best friends next saturday (hope it goes well). I finally got over myself and decided she really had to know, so she'll be coming over to my place saturday morning. After that we will go on skiing holiday together (that is also a reason why I wanted to tell her SOON), and the week after we will meet up with the others from my high school friend group again, and I will tell them at that moment.
I notice I am becoming less fearful and more secure. I used to procrastinate things I was afraid of and found difficult, and I still do, but as of lately I am more and more often taking things into my own hands and just DOING what has to be done, which is truly an empowering feeling.
Even though some days I am all done with it, and I just feel terrible, there are still many great days behind and ahead of me. I am also very thankful for all of my great friends, of whom none have left me and truly proved to be as open-minded and accepting as I gauged them. Thank you!
zondag 23 november 2014
vrijdag 7 november 2014
Second visit to the VU
Hey everybody!
As quite a few of you knew (at least those who follow my blog) I did have my second visit to the VU yesterday (thursday 6 november at 1 o clock). This would be the FIRST talk with the psych assigned to me, and whom will me guiding me through this process from start to finish, and also the start of the actual diagnostic process.
From now on I will have a talk there every once a month, and after SIX talks me and my psych wil re-evaluate whether I need more time/talks or wether I'm ready for the Real Life Phase (the point where I will start to live as a guy OFFICIALLY, change my legal documents, and get on hormones).
From that point it will still take many months for my body to change, it happens faster than a biomales puberty, but it's also not like you turn into an adult man overnight, LOL!
Anyway, me and my parents arrived at the genderteam, I was less nervous than at the intake but still a bit shaky. Everybody was REALLY nice to me and very respectful of my feelings and such (like asking whether I wanted to be called by another name right away), except for the woman at the desk whom I had to report myself to. She looked pretty grumpy, and found it necassery to repeat my birthname to me. But I don't have much contact with her anyway, so I don't really care.
I quite like my psych. She's really nice and respectful towards me. I'll yet have to get to know her properly, but so far I feel like I'll be able to get along with her fine.
I had a good talk with her, and I'm curious what the other visits will bring. Regarless of all this positivity I also left with a bit of a sour aftertaste though, this has to do with my health insurance.
Because I wasn't out to my parents yet last january I couldn't change my "personal risk" to a lower sum (it's a dutch insurance thing. I can explain some other time if many people want to know, lol), which basically means I will have to pay the first three meetings entirely, instead of have a part refunded by my insurance.
I thought the costs for one visit would be around the 100/120 euro mark, but now I have gotten signals it might be quite a bit higher, like MUCH higher, and that I'd actually have to pay a sum close to 860 euros for these first three talks, which is... well... rather much...
The people whom I asked this to did not know the exact costs either, so it could be less... I sure hope so. And otherwise... well, nothing to be changed. I don't feel like it'd be fair to ask of my parents to pay all of that, but I hope IF it truly is this much we can split the costs. I really don't want money to block or delay my transition and process, and as long as I CAN afford it, I will pay, even if that means no more holidays with friends, no more fantasy fairs, no more new stuff, but of course I hope there is no need for such drastic measures, and needless to say it definitely worries me a bit.
I also feel rather sad I have to miss school a bunch of times. In high school I'd be happy about this, LOL, but now I'd even try to go to school anyway, even on the VU-days. (I either have class at midday or morning, so technically I DO have enough time. And I REALLY don't want to miss classes if I don't have to. I will have to miss a lot with the surgeries in the next years already)
I also found it harder to focus on school a bit after the visit, gladly that went away as soon as I actually was back AT school, and I was all back into the rythem again. Sometimes you forget you're trans because of all the other important things in your life, and sometimes you forget you still have a life outside of being trans, which basically just is a small aspect of "you", because sometimes... it just FEELS so big.
But generally I am still happy that my diagnostics finally could have been started. And no pain no gain right? Hah. If money is all it costs me to become who I am, what does that even matter? As long as I have enough, I am happy.
Some people are so poor, that all they have is money. You need money to live, but you have to remember it is a TOOL, not a purpose or a means. Without something meaningful to spend it on, money basically is a worthless number on some website called your "bank account", it's the things you do with it that matter!
Have a good day everybody!
As quite a few of you knew (at least those who follow my blog) I did have my second visit to the VU yesterday (thursday 6 november at 1 o clock). This would be the FIRST talk with the psych assigned to me, and whom will me guiding me through this process from start to finish, and also the start of the actual diagnostic process.
From now on I will have a talk there every once a month, and after SIX talks me and my psych wil re-evaluate whether I need more time/talks or wether I'm ready for the Real Life Phase (the point where I will start to live as a guy OFFICIALLY, change my legal documents, and get on hormones).
From that point it will still take many months for my body to change, it happens faster than a biomales puberty, but it's also not like you turn into an adult man overnight, LOL!
Anyway, me and my parents arrived at the genderteam, I was less nervous than at the intake but still a bit shaky. Everybody was REALLY nice to me and very respectful of my feelings and such (like asking whether I wanted to be called by another name right away), except for the woman at the desk whom I had to report myself to. She looked pretty grumpy, and found it necassery to repeat my birthname to me. But I don't have much contact with her anyway, so I don't really care.
I quite like my psych. She's really nice and respectful towards me. I'll yet have to get to know her properly, but so far I feel like I'll be able to get along with her fine.
I had a good talk with her, and I'm curious what the other visits will bring. Regarless of all this positivity I also left with a bit of a sour aftertaste though, this has to do with my health insurance.
Because I wasn't out to my parents yet last january I couldn't change my "personal risk" to a lower sum (it's a dutch insurance thing. I can explain some other time if many people want to know, lol), which basically means I will have to pay the first three meetings entirely, instead of have a part refunded by my insurance.
I thought the costs for one visit would be around the 100/120 euro mark, but now I have gotten signals it might be quite a bit higher, like MUCH higher, and that I'd actually have to pay a sum close to 860 euros for these first three talks, which is... well... rather much...
The people whom I asked this to did not know the exact costs either, so it could be less... I sure hope so. And otherwise... well, nothing to be changed. I don't feel like it'd be fair to ask of my parents to pay all of that, but I hope IF it truly is this much we can split the costs. I really don't want money to block or delay my transition and process, and as long as I CAN afford it, I will pay, even if that means no more holidays with friends, no more fantasy fairs, no more new stuff, but of course I hope there is no need for such drastic measures, and needless to say it definitely worries me a bit.
I also feel rather sad I have to miss school a bunch of times. In high school I'd be happy about this, LOL, but now I'd even try to go to school anyway, even on the VU-days. (I either have class at midday or morning, so technically I DO have enough time. And I REALLY don't want to miss classes if I don't have to. I will have to miss a lot with the surgeries in the next years already)
I also found it harder to focus on school a bit after the visit, gladly that went away as soon as I actually was back AT school, and I was all back into the rythem again. Sometimes you forget you're trans because of all the other important things in your life, and sometimes you forget you still have a life outside of being trans, which basically just is a small aspect of "you", because sometimes... it just FEELS so big.
But generally I am still happy that my diagnostics finally could have been started. And no pain no gain right? Hah. If money is all it costs me to become who I am, what does that even matter? As long as I have enough, I am happy.
Some people are so poor, that all they have is money. You need money to live, but you have to remember it is a TOOL, not a purpose or a means. Without something meaningful to spend it on, money basically is a worthless number on some website called your "bank account", it's the things you do with it that matter!
Have a good day everybody!
Abonneren op:
Posts (Atom)