I just wanted to say... well, I'm really busy right now. I can hardly check the fora and such I'm on, let alone write things for this blog (or draw for DA, etc.)
But even though I'm so busy I hardly have time for breaks (or school work :s uh-oh), it has been really great. I have more friends than I ever had at elementary- and high school, WITHOUT even doing anything for it, lol. I just FIT with these people, y'know! All my life I've been an outcast, I've been "the weird one", the loner, and now I have suddenly entered a world where exactly the opposite is true! I am no longer alone in things which I thought I was alone in. This makes me so happy. So happy that I ALMOST would forget my gender identity issues. Since my new friends... they take me for who I AM, not for my gender, my looks, etc. but just for "me". When I'm with them, I simply FORGET I'm a girl! I even carefully spoke with one of them on that I feel I should have born male, and she wasn't shocked or freaked out at all.
I feel that I'm growing out of my childhood years for good now. I'm already becoming more responsible and less insecure, but I've got a long road ahead of me. But I know for sure that this was the right choice to make!
I also have to say I now have a room! (yay!) It still needs major decorating (even wall painting) but it's a start.
zondag 15 september 2013
zaterdag 7 september 2013
A small epipany
Just had my first week of university. It was pretty great, met a lot of awesome people and made more friends than I could ever imagine (I have always been a loner, so this was kind of a shock, LOL!), but also very tiring. So many new things happening around me... some days I felt lost. Longing back to the 'easy' days of high school. Of the patterns I knew inside out and were full of familiarity.
When I am honest with myself, though, I am glad to be off high school. It was better than elementary school, but still pretty horrible. (I won't go into details now)
I think I feel this way (missing something I hate) because high school gave me security, and certainty. Especially in the last years I had settled pretty well. I had acquired a nice group of friends and found the perfect balance between "doing nothing" <-> "working like an idiot", so I could basically get 'okay' grades with little stress and effort. Now everything has changed, literally EVERYTHING, and all the certainties I build my life on are suddenly crumbling down underneath my feet.
Now I suddenly realize how much I relied on these certainties. How much I depended on them. And that blaming my parents and friends for everything that went wrong in my life, for everything I wanted but couldn't and didn't do, was entirely WRONG. That it's ME who is wrecking my life and that it's ME who is inhibiting myself, keeping me away from chasing my dreams.
Staring these things right in the face, losing every certainty which once seemed set in stone, is pretty unsettling. But I either have to get through this and fucking GROW UP, or stay a dependant child forever...!
One of my 'high school' friends also appears to know a transguy AND know he's trans AND -to make it even better- she's okay with that fact. I have also met another really nice girl who's a very accepting person and such (she's perfectly okay with a lot of things that are considered weird, etc. and mainly is an advocate of "being who you are", so I think she'll only be happy that I had the guts to tell her and to become myself more), and I'm thinking of coming out to her soon. Just gotto find the time to properly tell her, preferably without others for the first time, and then come out to the others (also accepting people, but I know them a bit less cause I'm not in the same 'work group' as them)
I feel a bit stupid/sad/cowardly for not coming out right away though, but then again... everything in steps! Better take my time than rush it too much (even though one part of me wants everything to happen NOW, and not later, lol)
I also expected the transvisie zorg people to email me (as they said 'within a week') but they haven't done so yet, which makes me a bit wary and sad. But I'm probably just being overanxious, and they are probably just busy and such... so I'll just hope they will eventually reply anyway. I really need to talk about this with people. like... seriously! I fear for my mental health if I don't.
Update: I just checked my mail and they replied. Most dates are during college times though, so I'll have to see how I'm going to find a way to get there.
When I am honest with myself, though, I am glad to be off high school. It was better than elementary school, but still pretty horrible. (I won't go into details now)
I think I feel this way (missing something I hate) because high school gave me security, and certainty. Especially in the last years I had settled pretty well. I had acquired a nice group of friends and found the perfect balance between "doing nothing" <-> "working like an idiot", so I could basically get 'okay' grades with little stress and effort. Now everything has changed, literally EVERYTHING, and all the certainties I build my life on are suddenly crumbling down underneath my feet.
Now I suddenly realize how much I relied on these certainties. How much I depended on them. And that blaming my parents and friends for everything that went wrong in my life, for everything I wanted but couldn't and didn't do, was entirely WRONG. That it's ME who is wrecking my life and that it's ME who is inhibiting myself, keeping me away from chasing my dreams.
Staring these things right in the face, losing every certainty which once seemed set in stone, is pretty unsettling. But I either have to get through this and fucking GROW UP, or stay a dependant child forever...!
One of my 'high school' friends also appears to know a transguy AND know he's trans AND -to make it even better- she's okay with that fact. I have also met another really nice girl who's a very accepting person and such (she's perfectly okay with a lot of things that are considered weird, etc. and mainly is an advocate of "being who you are", so I think she'll only be happy that I had the guts to tell her and to become myself more), and I'm thinking of coming out to her soon. Just gotto find the time to properly tell her, preferably without others for the first time, and then come out to the others (also accepting people, but I know them a bit less cause I'm not in the same 'work group' as them)
I feel a bit stupid/sad/cowardly for not coming out right away though, but then again... everything in steps! Better take my time than rush it too much (even though one part of me wants everything to happen NOW, and not later, lol)
I also expected the transvisie zorg people to email me (as they said 'within a week') but they haven't done so yet, which makes me a bit wary and sad. But I'm probably just being overanxious, and they are probably just busy and such... so I'll just hope they will eventually reply anyway. I really need to talk about this with people. like... seriously! I fear for my mental health if I don't.
Update: I just checked my mail and they replied. Most dates are during college times though, so I'll have to see how I'm going to find a way to get there.
Abonneren op:
Posts (Atom)