Okay guys, a bit of a "status update" on what's going on here regarding the trans business.
I sent an email to an organisation called "transvisie zorg" (it's Dutch) telling them I feel awkward and insecure about my biological sex, etc. but don't really know how to proceed from there, like how to get started and what to do with these feelings, etc.
Just a day later I got a reply, saying they fully understood my problem and I had come to the right place to find answers. It also said I would get an invitation for an intake meeting within a week, and probably had to wait a few weeks till the 'real thing' (well, I can wait a few weeks. The waiting list for T is a year -or so I've heard- so a few weeks doesn't sound that bad to me)
I'm excited and happy about it, but also slightly nervous (positive nerves ;) ). I hope before then I get the courage to tell someone, so I don't have to go alone, and if not... well... so be it. Then I'll go on my own.
I just feel like I really got to get know and talk to some fellow transpeople (preferably guys, because we go through the same things and such, but right now I'm okay with anyone who openly accepts me as who I am and who I can discuss stuff with without feeling like I'm 'being judged'), and even though I've done so via the internet plenty of times, doing it irl is a way of 'making it real', of telling my brain this is not some 'childhood game' of boys and girls, but a REAL thing which needs immediate attention and action.
Anyway, how much I hate to struggle with my gender identity, I think that once I have taken the steps I need, and I emerge on the other side as Erik, I'll be a stronger person!
You see, the last years of high school I thought I was strong, and I thought I was being myself, but now I see... that was just a lie. I dressed differently than the others (alternative/pagan-y), had dreads, and was open and proud about "being me" and came across confident.
Now I am moving out, and am discovering myself regarding my gender identity, I see that this wasn't true. I used that style as a 'gimmick' to seem strong, and APPEARED so when the situation was safe. But now I'm moving into less 'safe' and 'known' area's/situations I suddenly feel lost and alone. Like a little kid who lost his mommy.
When I want to truly become a guy, inside AND outside, I have to step out of this small 'comfort zone' around me, and do some things I found (and -honestly- still find) VERY frightening. I would have to do and say things which I NEVER would without something big to push and move me. I'd have to either stay a girl all my life, or overcome some major fears.
It's of course very scary and confronting when doing so (especially when you thought you were finally free of those fears!), and some days I almost feel like jumping out of a plane, unsure whether the package on my back truly IS a parachute. Other days it makes me feel like I'm a little kid all over again, like all the growth I thought I went through was nothing but a flawy gimmick.
But then I remember, and then I know, this is the path I have to follow. And that if I follow it all the way through, I will grow as a person, and will finally be able to be who I TRULY am, not who I THINK I am.
donderdag 29 augustus 2013
maandag 26 augustus 2013
R.I.P. My dreads :'(
Another thing I feel like sharing is that I cut off my dreads. All of them!
I feel sad about it, and I miss them, but on the other hand was is necessary for me to move on and 'grow' as a person. I know one thing, and that's that I'll get new ones once on T. Together with an awesome goatee!
I really had to feel what it's like NOT to have dreads though, and they actually WERE hindering my passing quite a bit. I know this, as since I cut them off I've been gendered correctly FIVE times and gotten numerous "WTF" stares in the women's toilets (made me feel quite uneasy, but they are a good sign, so I'm also sort of happy with them), while before; nothing. Not a SINGLE woman looked like I was out of place, and NO ONE ever said "young man" or "lad" or "him". One downside is that when I talk most people are like "Ohh, sorry miss!" (stupid people! Don't they see they did it RIGHT!? >:-I)
But I at least don't get odd glares when buying men's clothes or products anymore. I also think I could try to pass in the men's toilet, as not a single man would talk in there anyway, and if I just stick to the 'men's restroom etiquette' chances are they'll see me as a young guy. Nothing else. Chances are I will even get LESS stares than in the women's toilets!
It makes me sad though, that my voice is the breaking point right now. I was so naive to hope I could fully pass pre-T (how lucky would I be then, lol!), but of course I don't. And it will take many years before I can get on T, and will be able to live as a man full-time.
But yeah, it's worth it. Just keep going on. Never stop fighting for your true self!
P.S. for anyone who wants to see how my dreads looked from start to end, I have kept a timeline at a site called Dreadlock Truth, here it is; http://www.dreadlocktruth.com/dtforums/30/9113
Feel free to comment on what I wrote, or even just on my dreads ;)
I feel sad about it, and I miss them, but on the other hand was is necessary for me to move on and 'grow' as a person. I know one thing, and that's that I'll get new ones once on T. Together with an awesome goatee!
I really had to feel what it's like NOT to have dreads though, and they actually WERE hindering my passing quite a bit. I know this, as since I cut them off I've been gendered correctly FIVE times and gotten numerous "WTF" stares in the women's toilets (made me feel quite uneasy, but they are a good sign, so I'm also sort of happy with them), while before; nothing. Not a SINGLE woman looked like I was out of place, and NO ONE ever said "young man" or "lad" or "him". One downside is that when I talk most people are like "Ohh, sorry miss!" (stupid people! Don't they see they did it RIGHT!? >:-I)
But I at least don't get odd glares when buying men's clothes or products anymore. I also think I could try to pass in the men's toilet, as not a single man would talk in there anyway, and if I just stick to the 'men's restroom etiquette' chances are they'll see me as a young guy. Nothing else. Chances are I will even get LESS stares than in the women's toilets!
It makes me sad though, that my voice is the breaking point right now. I was so naive to hope I could fully pass pre-T (how lucky would I be then, lol!), but of course I don't. And it will take many years before I can get on T, and will be able to live as a man full-time.
But yeah, it's worth it. Just keep going on. Never stop fighting for your true self!
P.S. for anyone who wants to see how my dreads looked from start to end, I have kept a timeline at a site called Dreadlock Truth, here it is; http://www.dreadlocktruth.com/dtforums/30/9113
Feel free to comment on what I wrote, or even just on my dreads ;)
Going to university (and some other stuff)
First of all, I don't think anyone reads this, but then still sorry for the silence. I've been busy and stressed lately and had no time nor energy to write anything for this blog.
At the 2nd of September I will start my first day of my study, Biology, at Wageningen University. I also have to find a room and move all my stuff there before that date, and get all the books I need in time.
For years I've been looking forward to this date, especially end of 6th grade I couldn't wait anymore. I was so excited!
But now... I suddenly feel alone, and scared. Having to sort all my stuff on my own, not having parents to help me when I need it... not even having them close to hug them when I feel like it. I didn't think I'd EVER say this, but damn! This makes me feel so alone. So small. So young...
Added to that the tension inside of me regarding my gender identity is rising to a breaking point. At first when I came to terms with myself I thought I could live with 'just' accepting myself as a guy and living on as a girl. I thought I was -sort of- happy as a girl and didn't mind it, as long as I could be masculine. But now I've opened myself up for these long repressed feelings, I realize that's not true. I wasn't happy as a girl, I've never BEEN happy as a girl, for the simple reason that I AM no girl. It feels like being stuck in a disguise all my life. No one ever sees my real face, my real me, not even myself.
I know I cannot keep living as a 'girl' now I KNOW I'm not crazy, now I know there is another solution and I don't HAVE to live this lie. But I'm so stressed out for everything I suddenly have to think about and take care of that I can hardly muster the energy and courage to talk about it with people.
My parents, especially my mum, are having a hard time too. My dad's motivation for his work is dropping and that together with the financial crisis makes we earn like half what we used to. My mum is being depressed or something, I dunno how to describe it, and she sometimes seems to have gone back to being a small child. Dependant on us, crying for nothing, being scared of nothing. She is struggling with her life, her health (which isn't that bad, really, but she blames everything on it!), and most of all; her own identity. It seems like she doesn't know who she really is, like she's even more lost than I am. It's too much to describe properly, but you understand I feel like it would be nasty of me to tell her about my gender crisis right now. That I am "her sweet girl" is one of the few happy "truths" she thinks she can rely on.
If I tell her I don't feel like I am a girl at all, I'm afraid this will be too much stress for her. I'd feel so selfish for telling her about it, so I suffer in silence... and hopefully be able to talk about it with a psychologist or friend sometime soon.
At the 2nd of September I will start my first day of my study, Biology, at Wageningen University. I also have to find a room and move all my stuff there before that date, and get all the books I need in time.
For years I've been looking forward to this date, especially end of 6th grade I couldn't wait anymore. I was so excited!
But now... I suddenly feel alone, and scared. Having to sort all my stuff on my own, not having parents to help me when I need it... not even having them close to hug them when I feel like it. I didn't think I'd EVER say this, but damn! This makes me feel so alone. So small. So young...
Added to that the tension inside of me regarding my gender identity is rising to a breaking point. At first when I came to terms with myself I thought I could live with 'just' accepting myself as a guy and living on as a girl. I thought I was -sort of- happy as a girl and didn't mind it, as long as I could be masculine. But now I've opened myself up for these long repressed feelings, I realize that's not true. I wasn't happy as a girl, I've never BEEN happy as a girl, for the simple reason that I AM no girl. It feels like being stuck in a disguise all my life. No one ever sees my real face, my real me, not even myself.
I know I cannot keep living as a 'girl' now I KNOW I'm not crazy, now I know there is another solution and I don't HAVE to live this lie. But I'm so stressed out for everything I suddenly have to think about and take care of that I can hardly muster the energy and courage to talk about it with people.
My parents, especially my mum, are having a hard time too. My dad's motivation for his work is dropping and that together with the financial crisis makes we earn like half what we used to. My mum is being depressed or something, I dunno how to describe it, and she sometimes seems to have gone back to being a small child. Dependant on us, crying for nothing, being scared of nothing. She is struggling with her life, her health (which isn't that bad, really, but she blames everything on it!), and most of all; her own identity. It seems like she doesn't know who she really is, like she's even more lost than I am. It's too much to describe properly, but you understand I feel like it would be nasty of me to tell her about my gender crisis right now. That I am "her sweet girl" is one of the few happy "truths" she thinks she can rely on.
If I tell her I don't feel like I am a girl at all, I'm afraid this will be too much stress for her. I'd feel so selfish for telling her about it, so I suffer in silence... and hopefully be able to talk about it with a psychologist or friend sometime soon.
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