Hey guys, I just had the intro for Art Academy. Actual classes and such will start monday the 1st, so after the weekend. But for me, THIS was the 'big thing', as I'd see my new classmates for the first time... as a guy!
I still dress the same way as I used to and always will, the big difference is that NORMALLY I don't actually say I'm a guy, either because people who know me from "before" are there, or because I am simply too scared they won't believe me.
I stepped over this fear this time, however, because I simply CAN NOT live this lie anymore and happily tell new friends I'm a girl and just ignore the way it makes me feel. I cannot live my life like it's a theatre show anymore.
Day 1
The first day, also the scariest day. I arrived at 13:00 at the main area and sat down with the rest to listen to some speech. All people whom I didn't know and who seemed to already be buddy-buddy together. During the speech I felt some stinging pains in my low belly area, and a slight feeling of wet dampness which I'd associate with wetting my pants IF I weren't an adult, and IF I weren't physically configured in such a way that I was shipped with a womb. In other words: I recognised this as the oh so dreaded Shark Week. While I sat there, a woman was rambling about something, it must have been important but it all flew past me. I didn't record a single word of it, and I was completely enveloped in my own world, which was crumbling down on me as she spoke. All I could think of was "Why now? Damn not now! Not now! Not now! Body STOP THIS NONSENSE! Aaaah!" or at least something in that nature.
As soon as the talking stopped, which felt like an eternity, I slipped into the men's toilet as quickly as I could, and because I had no pads or other shark week emergency stuff with me, I fixed something up with toilet paper. I felt sick and had quite bad cramps, add to that the dysphoria and you understand I just wanted to be alone, away from all these people whom I had never met.
My heart beat like crazy each time my name was called and even more if someone asked me what it was. I could just feel their stares, and I'd expect a "What? But you aint a guy!" any moment. But no one said anything. Not when I said my name, not when I went to the toilet in plain sight. Though the fear and the tenseness remained.
That day we gladly didn't walk around much, and we just got some easy but boring factual information about the study, the academy, and so forth.
Day 2
This day I prepared myself for the nightmare called shark week, but still I can never FULLY prepare.
We went on a trip through town, and visited various art exhibitions, I will spare you the details but they were really interesting.
We also had to walk INSANELY much though, and due to bad logistic planning we had to wait a lot. It was hot outside, and I was pretty much dying in my binder. I couldn't change my shark week stuff much, which nearly caused leakage and would have been my greatest nightmare ever. (leakage is BAD for a girl, but VERY VERY BAD for a guy) Also, changing pads in the men's toilet is HELL. For the people who are lucky enough to never have used or opened one, I tell you this: their packaging is everything BUT discrete. It is impossible to open and then replace them without making insanely loud tearing noises. SHRRRT SHRR SHRRRRRRRRT. Which is embarrassing enough in the women's toilets, but simply nerve wrecking in the men's. I mean, in the woman's, such sounds are normal, in the men's... god knows what they think you're doing. And if you already look and sound ambiguously male, well, they might add 1 and 1 up and start asking questions.
Aside from the heat, shark week, and some nerve wrecking moments, it was not a wholly bad day. My classmates are great, and the reason I feel uncomfortable comes from within me, not from them. I also felt a bit better and more open to interacting and talking that day, though at the end my energy reserves were completely wasted.
Day 3
This day we started a two-day surprise film project. We all had to bring unspecified "useful" things to use in the films we'd be making. There were several subjects, all pretty awesome in my opinion, and I picked the stop-motion (also because it was the only one where I wouldn't have to be on screen myself). Even though we were with a big group, discussing and idea-making went smooth, and we were overflowing with good ideas and enthusiasm. Also, the first two days of my shark week are always VERY intense and pretty dreadful, but the later days then quickly diminish in strength and intensity. So the cramps weren't as bad, and I only needed to change once. Still uncomfortable, but much better than the two previous days.
People also started calling me Erik when they saw me or wanted to ask me something, which was just great, and we worked together rather productively on our stop motion film. (it was really fun!)
I had a bit of a crisis moment at home when the pasta I had to make for the picnic (we were having a picnic and everybody had to bring something) seemed really screwed up, but when we mixed it with the rest it tasted pretty great.
Day 4
Today, and the last day of the intro. I went there much more at ease and with an enthusiastic mood this time, I really wanted to finish our stop motion film. Due to our great efficiency (I have never seen a group of 20 people (yes, that many picked stop motion!) be that efficient together! Wow!) we finished the filming far ahead of schedule. Some tech-savy people would do the editing, and we (the rest) had to wait till it was done, which was pretty boring and took ages, but also was a nice opportunity to talk with people a bit more.
However, then something happened which shook my world. I was showing my magic cards to a very nice Chinese girl (she also likes fantasy, gaming, the same kind of music, and MTG and I just had a good connection with her), we talked a bit about them and deck building, after which she said: 'Yeah, I was thinking about taking mine too, but I thought: 'SHE probably won't take HER decks anyway.'" She all said this rather quickly, followed by a smile, completely unaware of what her words had done. They hit me like two arrows, and I had to retreat to the toilet for a short while to get grips of myself again. I didn't understand why she called me "she" even though she knew my name was Erik, and I concluded I must simply NOT PASS AT ALL. Just not at all. I felt terrible. I wanted to go home. And I almost did, until at some moment when I was lazily drawing and talking a bit with some people, another girl clearly referred to me multiple times as "he" and "him" and "his work", as she did this it had the opposite effect to me. I started grinning widely, became more relaxed and open and chatted with her and some others quite a while. (about drawing, techniques, styles, art... kinda the stereotypical stuff you'd expect from art academy students, haha)
After that I felt so much better I decided to stay for dinner too (as they changed from pizza to risotto, making it gluten free!), and the Chinese girl now asked me how I got the name Erik, clearly noting that I am physically female and that she was confused by a female with a male name. While I was surrounded by some new friends, people I at least started to like and trust to a certain extend, I just decided to play open cards with her and tell it. I said "Yeah, yknow, you are probably confused about whether I am a boy or a girl, and you see... I am born a girl but I identify as a..." at that point the girl who called me he and him earlier interrupted and blurted out: "Just say you're transgender, that's clear enough!" everybody nodded and agreed, and she said she thought I looked very much male except for my voice. The Chinese girl, however, then said "I immediately saw you were a girl. You just are a girl." or something like that. Because I had started to like her in the past few days, I explained to her that I understood her opinion, but that it was extremely hurtful to me. She didn't say anything about it after that, and I still see her as a friend (unless she won't stop it), but it still really hit me hard. Yknow, I don't SHOW much when you call me female, I just twitch a bit, that's all, but what other people DON'T see is what goes on under the surface. A storm of dysphoria, doubt, fear, sadness... much more... is unleashed, and the moment it happened will keep cycling through my mind over and over and over and over again.
However I don't think that Chinese girl was really trying to hurt me, and everybody really responded positively and started calling me he and him more as well.
It wasn't all fun n games, but it was mainly good, and I think I'll just do a coming out to the rest of my classmates soon too, because then I can finally breathe again and stop worrying they might "see it", question me or misgender me. Then it's just clear for everyone why I have such a feminine voice and total lack of facial hair, and they (hopefully) won't doubt my gender anymore.
vrijdag 29 augustus 2014
dinsdag 19 augustus 2014
Just had my intake!!!
Okay guys, I am VERY happy to say: I FINALLY had my intake at the VUMC genderteam! (wooot!)
For the people who didn't follow what happened, there were issues with my medical records, which caused the intake to be postponed. If you want to know the details please check out: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2014/07/a-little-status-update.html
I sent the Genderteam like four emails asking whether the refferal letter was enough, and if they could please reply, I got nothing but a complete radio silence. Because I am terrified of calling, I thought mailing would be fine, but since they didn't answer even after four emails and four weeks waiting, I realized I really HAD to give them a call, no matter how much I dreaded it.
I first called them saturday, but got a tape saying they couldn't answer until monday, oops, yes, of course, that makes total sense. So monday I quickly called them again. Shaking and with sweaty palms I explained what was going on to the lady on the telephone, after which she expressed her understanding of my frustrations, and suggested to re-send the "machtiging" paper. I agreed and hung up.
Just a mere minute later I got a call, it was the VU again, same lady, saying they already appeared to have a scan of a letter from my GP, so that they COULD in fact plan my intake. I am pretty certain this is the exact same scan as I sent them MYSELF four weeks ago. She first tried to plan me on thursday, but the computer gave an error, and I said I really preferred to be helped before the start of semester. She understood this and said there was in fact a free slot tomorrow (thus today) morning. A bit bewildered by how quick it suddenly went, after just ONE phone call, I happily agreed.
What have I learned from this? You may ask. That you can mail the VU a thousand times and not be heard, and they will only run for you when you call. So I advice to ANYONE just starting, like me, to CALL whenever they don't reply right away. I totally feel you on how terrible it is, but it REALLY works wonders, as you see.
Anyway, now onto the actual intake, which I had just a couple hours ago from the moment I write this.
They told me I had to arrive at 10, fill in some questionnaires, take a picture, and have a talk with a psychologist. Everything went exactly that way.
I arrived 30 minutes late due to traffic, but it was no problem, and almost right away when I walked in I could start the questionnaire, and have my photo taken. (I was really nervous. When they asked me for my birthdate I didn't even know it, I was that stressed, lol) The questions varied from factual (what is your nationality, how old are you, have you had this, this or this illness) to quite personal (do you masturbate, do you have sexual dreams, have you been abused in your childhood in this, this or this way), and many of them where exactly the same, just formulated differently. Anyway, it wasn't such a big deal, I finished in about 40 minutes.
After that I returned the questionnaire and had a short talk with an MTF girl who recognised me, but we had only sat down and started to talk for like a minute or so when my name (my surname!) was called again, by the psychologist this time.
She was very nice and respectful, by no means 'forcing' me into specific answers, and explaining the time span and nature of the trajectory once again (I already knew most of it, but it's nice to hear it from an actual living being too). She basically went over the questionnaire questions once more, and wrote down the more detailed answers I gave. Actually after I got over my initial fear I kinda liked it to talk with someone about these things, her understanding attitude made me feel more at ease than I would have expected.
She said she thought I was in the right place, and unless I would suddenly develop depression, doubt, phobias or other issues the diagnostic phase would most likely be sorted out relatively quickly. (6 months MINIMUM, maximum... as much as is needed.), after which I can start the so-called "real-life phase" where I will get male hormones and am required to live as male full-time (hah, lol, I plan to do so before the start of the official real life phase, thank you), at that point I will also be able to change my legal name and sex to Male and Erik (she said I could also do it now, but it would cost me over 200 euro's, whereas it would be 65 later). When the real life phase is successful, and I have been in it for AT LEAST a year, I will be allowed to get surgeries. Most likely I will take the top, and won't take the phallo, due to rather disappointing results, and maybe the meta if my anatomy allows for it, but I don't exclude anything now. (Top= chesticle removal, phallo/meta/bottom= penis creation) I told her this as well, and she said that won't be a problem, and I can decide for myself which treatments I want/don't want.
After that she said the approximate waiting list for the first talk right now is 3 to 6 months, and they will give me a call when it's my turn.
So folks, that's it. THAT WAS IT. Not much of a big deal in the end. But I am very glad I have it behind me now and can start waiting for the start of the ACTUAL diagnostic process. Overall it left me feeling very good, and I know a lot of people aren't happy with the VU, but SO FAR I am quite content and I don't recognise much of other people's complains (yet?). I hope it will stay this way. :)
On another, slightly offtopic note, I have a question for all of you.
As many of you know I will be starting my new study (illustration!) as Erik. However, as ALL of you probably know, I am still pre-hormones, which means I look and especially SOUND quite feminine/young for a dude of 19 yrs. I am rather torn about what I should tell my classmates, some people suggest to just say I have a "hormone problem" (which basically IS true... in a certain way) and just tell good friends I'm born a girl, the psych at the VU, however, suggested me to just tell them as soon as possible, since people might gossip behind my back and give me more shit for it when I'd actuall be open about it.
However, my 'problem' with this is that it is 1) FCKING SCARY and 2) I don't want to become "that transperson" or even worse: "That dude who is actually a girl", I just want to be a NORMAL (and kinda crazy, geeky and alternative) guy, not "That guy who was born a girl" or "that girl who says she's a guy". However saying I have a hormone problem feels a lot like lying.
What should I do? And IF I should tell them, when? Right away? After a while? When they ask??
For the people who didn't follow what happened, there were issues with my medical records, which caused the intake to be postponed. If you want to know the details please check out: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2014/07/a-little-status-update.html
I sent the Genderteam like four emails asking whether the refferal letter was enough, and if they could please reply, I got nothing but a complete radio silence. Because I am terrified of calling, I thought mailing would be fine, but since they didn't answer even after four emails and four weeks waiting, I realized I really HAD to give them a call, no matter how much I dreaded it.
I first called them saturday, but got a tape saying they couldn't answer until monday, oops, yes, of course, that makes total sense. So monday I quickly called them again. Shaking and with sweaty palms I explained what was going on to the lady on the telephone, after which she expressed her understanding of my frustrations, and suggested to re-send the "machtiging" paper. I agreed and hung up.
Just a mere minute later I got a call, it was the VU again, same lady, saying they already appeared to have a scan of a letter from my GP, so that they COULD in fact plan my intake. I am pretty certain this is the exact same scan as I sent them MYSELF four weeks ago. She first tried to plan me on thursday, but the computer gave an error, and I said I really preferred to be helped before the start of semester. She understood this and said there was in fact a free slot tomorrow (thus today) morning. A bit bewildered by how quick it suddenly went, after just ONE phone call, I happily agreed.
What have I learned from this? You may ask. That you can mail the VU a thousand times and not be heard, and they will only run for you when you call. So I advice to ANYONE just starting, like me, to CALL whenever they don't reply right away. I totally feel you on how terrible it is, but it REALLY works wonders, as you see.
Anyway, now onto the actual intake, which I had just a couple hours ago from the moment I write this.
They told me I had to arrive at 10, fill in some questionnaires, take a picture, and have a talk with a psychologist. Everything went exactly that way.
I arrived 30 minutes late due to traffic, but it was no problem, and almost right away when I walked in I could start the questionnaire, and have my photo taken. (I was really nervous. When they asked me for my birthdate I didn't even know it, I was that stressed, lol) The questions varied from factual (what is your nationality, how old are you, have you had this, this or this illness) to quite personal (do you masturbate, do you have sexual dreams, have you been abused in your childhood in this, this or this way), and many of them where exactly the same, just formulated differently. Anyway, it wasn't such a big deal, I finished in about 40 minutes.
After that I returned the questionnaire and had a short talk with an MTF girl who recognised me, but we had only sat down and started to talk for like a minute or so when my name (my surname!) was called again, by the psychologist this time.
She was very nice and respectful, by no means 'forcing' me into specific answers, and explaining the time span and nature of the trajectory once again (I already knew most of it, but it's nice to hear it from an actual living being too). She basically went over the questionnaire questions once more, and wrote down the more detailed answers I gave. Actually after I got over my initial fear I kinda liked it to talk with someone about these things, her understanding attitude made me feel more at ease than I would have expected.
She said she thought I was in the right place, and unless I would suddenly develop depression, doubt, phobias or other issues the diagnostic phase would most likely be sorted out relatively quickly. (6 months MINIMUM, maximum... as much as is needed.), after which I can start the so-called "real-life phase" where I will get male hormones and am required to live as male full-time (hah, lol, I plan to do so before the start of the official real life phase, thank you), at that point I will also be able to change my legal name and sex to Male and Erik (she said I could also do it now, but it would cost me over 200 euro's, whereas it would be 65 later). When the real life phase is successful, and I have been in it for AT LEAST a year, I will be allowed to get surgeries. Most likely I will take the top, and won't take the phallo, due to rather disappointing results, and maybe the meta if my anatomy allows for it, but I don't exclude anything now. (Top= chesticle removal, phallo/meta/bottom= penis creation) I told her this as well, and she said that won't be a problem, and I can decide for myself which treatments I want/don't want.
After that she said the approximate waiting list for the first talk right now is 3 to 6 months, and they will give me a call when it's my turn.
So folks, that's it. THAT WAS IT. Not much of a big deal in the end. But I am very glad I have it behind me now and can start waiting for the start of the ACTUAL diagnostic process. Overall it left me feeling very good, and I know a lot of people aren't happy with the VU, but SO FAR I am quite content and I don't recognise much of other people's complains (yet?). I hope it will stay this way. :)
On another, slightly offtopic note, I have a question for all of you.
As many of you know I will be starting my new study (illustration!) as Erik. However, as ALL of you probably know, I am still pre-hormones, which means I look and especially SOUND quite feminine/young for a dude of 19 yrs. I am rather torn about what I should tell my classmates, some people suggest to just say I have a "hormone problem" (which basically IS true... in a certain way) and just tell good friends I'm born a girl, the psych at the VU, however, suggested me to just tell them as soon as possible, since people might gossip behind my back and give me more shit for it when I'd actuall be open about it.
However, my 'problem' with this is that it is 1) FCKING SCARY and 2) I don't want to become "that transperson" or even worse: "That dude who is actually a girl", I just want to be a NORMAL (and kinda crazy, geeky and alternative) guy, not "That guy who was born a girl" or "that girl who says she's a guy". However saying I have a hormone problem feels a lot like lying.
What should I do? And IF I should tell them, when? Right away? After a while? When they ask??
maandag 18 augustus 2014
Why do we give EVERYTHING a gender?
This is most likely something many average "normal" people don't even notice, let alone be bothered by it. But me, as a transperson (and most likely anyone crossing gender norms), am very frustrated and confused by this.
Our society has an almost compulsive need to assign EVERYTHING to a set gender, even if the object in question has nothing to do with sex or gender. Yes, sure, tampons are most likely only going to be bought by women (or men who buy it for their girlfriend/sister/mother?), and it makes no sense to market condoms towards women. But why do we need to assign a gender to children's toys? Or clothes? Or even worse: SOCKS.
I mean, what the heck? Socks? Seriously? Whenever I shop for socks I see packages "women's socks" and "men's socks", and no matter how close I look, I simply cannot find a difference or a reason why they are split into "men's" and "women's".
Also clothes... yes, I know "women's" clothes look different than "men's", but what does it matter? Why don't throw it onto one big pile 'o "clothes" and let people search through it what they like most.
Cars, games, furniture, and movies don't have a "gender" set on them either. Yeah, sure, some movies are more popular among women and some more popular among men, but when you walk into a cinema or DVD store you won't see "Men's movies" "Women's movies".
Why am I even so upset about this? You might wonder. Well, I am because these gender labels seem to imply we have no choice, like women HAVE to buy "women's" stuff and men HAVE to buy "men's stuff". Right now I just buy, use and wear whatever the crap I like, but when I was still a little kid I actually felt like I wasn't ALLOWED to wear "boys" clothes, even though they looked much better and I preferred them. As far as I remember, all my boy's clothes were hand-me-downs from friends and family, because for some reason buying new things from the boy's department is not ok, while getting them secondhand is. Weird world...
Gladly I still had plenty of other opportunities to express myself, and my parents never held me back to do stuff I liked. (if it wasn't dangerous, unhealthy or expensive, that is)
Right now, things like clothing are less of an issue. As no one can forbid me to wear men's clothes regardless of my sex. However a problem regarding public toilets, for example, remains. I tell you, they are an utter NIGHTMARE. As right now... I fit in both and I fit in neither (I must be a subatomic particle...), and I simply don't see why we can't have all unisex toilets, or at least ONE unisex toilet next to the men's and women's. To "normal" average people that might seem like an overkill, but it would GREATLY help me, other transpeople, genderqueer people, agender people, and basically all other people with a gender identity different than male or female or one misaligned with their bodies.
Our society has an almost compulsive need to assign EVERYTHING to a set gender, even if the object in question has nothing to do with sex or gender. Yes, sure, tampons are most likely only going to be bought by women (or men who buy it for their girlfriend/sister/mother?), and it makes no sense to market condoms towards women. But why do we need to assign a gender to children's toys? Or clothes? Or even worse: SOCKS.
I mean, what the heck? Socks? Seriously? Whenever I shop for socks I see packages "women's socks" and "men's socks", and no matter how close I look, I simply cannot find a difference or a reason why they are split into "men's" and "women's".
Also clothes... yes, I know "women's" clothes look different than "men's", but what does it matter? Why don't throw it onto one big pile 'o "clothes" and let people search through it what they like most.
Cars, games, furniture, and movies don't have a "gender" set on them either. Yeah, sure, some movies are more popular among women and some more popular among men, but when you walk into a cinema or DVD store you won't see "Men's movies" "Women's movies".
Why am I even so upset about this? You might wonder. Well, I am because these gender labels seem to imply we have no choice, like women HAVE to buy "women's" stuff and men HAVE to buy "men's stuff". Right now I just buy, use and wear whatever the crap I like, but when I was still a little kid I actually felt like I wasn't ALLOWED to wear "boys" clothes, even though they looked much better and I preferred them. As far as I remember, all my boy's clothes were hand-me-downs from friends and family, because for some reason buying new things from the boy's department is not ok, while getting them secondhand is. Weird world...
Gladly I still had plenty of other opportunities to express myself, and my parents never held me back to do stuff I liked. (if it wasn't dangerous, unhealthy or expensive, that is)
Right now, things like clothing are less of an issue. As no one can forbid me to wear men's clothes regardless of my sex. However a problem regarding public toilets, for example, remains. I tell you, they are an utter NIGHTMARE. As right now... I fit in both and I fit in neither (I must be a subatomic particle...), and I simply don't see why we can't have all unisex toilets, or at least ONE unisex toilet next to the men's and women's. To "normal" average people that might seem like an overkill, but it would GREATLY help me, other transpeople, genderqueer people, agender people, and basically all other people with a gender identity different than male or female or one misaligned with their bodies.
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