Okay, so right now almost all the people I genuinely care about know about me being trans and, thankfully, most took it quite well.
However, there is still a bit of a nagging issue with my five oldest, and possibly even best friends. (though I don't like classifying anyone as a "best" friend, cause I all love ya' equally much for your own strengths and weaknesses!) Well, no matter whether you'd define them as "best" or not, they are still VERY GOOD friends, and we've been through an awful lot together. Needless to say, I do not want to lose them. And well, the issue is... THEY, out of all people, do not know yet.
Why have I "waited" you might wonder. And the thing is, I haven't. In fact, I desperately TRIED to come out to them more than a year ago, but wasn't ready yet, took a completely wrong approach, I failed, and never dared to confront them with it again. It went like this...
More than a year ago... I really wanted them to know, but also didn't feel strong enough yet to tell them in person or even simply send them an email or text. So instead of being a wise guy and just letting it rest, I wrote a journal on my DeviantArt profile, knowing there would be a large chance they'd see it. It wasn't even directed at them personally, and yet just the MERE THOUGHT they MIGHT read it made my hands shake and my heart pound more than a call from the VU does now. (and that's a big thing!)
They DID read it, as I suspected, and even left comments saying they'd talk to me about it next time we'd meet in person.
The stupid chicken as I was, I waited for THEM to take the initiative the next time we met up. I stimply did not have the balls (pun intended) to confront them myself. They did the exact same thing (can't blame them) and waited for me to take the lead, so... nothing happened. They must have assumed it wasn't important after all and I just put it away, not daring to bring it up ever again.
After that we just went on as if nothing happened. I knew they knew and they knew I knew, but it's like we both silently agreed to avoid the matter. That was all doable and good for me, after all, it was still very surrealistic in my daily life anyway. I still lived fully as a girl.
But now... things have changed. The wheels have been set in motion, I'm actually taking steps to become the guy that I am, I am being seen and addressed as a guy by my classmates and new(er) friends, and this whole trans thing is becoming much more REAL as for lately.
This makes that the feeling of "acting" and "lying" to my five old friends has strongly increased, SO MUCH I often just don't want to meet up anymore, don't want to hang out... (when we are it is, except for the constant "girl(s)"-ing and misgendering, great fun, and I realize I don't want to lose them. Ever. They mean too much to me. But I'm afraid I WILL lose them if I don't do something quick!)
Though as the days passed... fear of rejection was replaced by feelings of guilt, because THEY are five REALLY GOOD friends, and I haven't yet told them. They should have been the FIRST. And each day I feel like telling them is getting harder and harder.
I'm also going on a skiing holiday with one of them, and I feel like I REALLY have to tell them -her at least- BEFORE we go. I can't be stuck with one of my friends for a week and be misgendered all the time, and act like "all is fine", cause I KNOW beforehand that will drain me more than any amount of physical exercise. I'm very afraid they will feel... insulted, for only hearing it so late, though. But only time will tell.
(I also wrote a blogpost about this when it happened (the failed "coming out") which can be read here: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2013/07/weirdest-reaction-to-coming-out-ever.html)
maandag 27 oktober 2014
woensdag 15 oktober 2014
Experiences at school, and second appointment at the VU!
Heya peeps! It has been quite a while again. I know, I know. But sometimes I just don't have much to talk about. That happens too, y'know.
Anyway, I started at my new study and school 1st of september this year. As some of you might remember, I was very nervous about it all. Sure, a new study, a new class and new school IS a big and scary change, but that wasn't the main cause of my nerves... it's that I finally started living full time as a guy at school, even though I'm still pre T. I was scared to be called all sorts of crap, scared that people would see me as a girl anyway, that I'd be bullied, that there would be gossip... the list goes on.
Now I am one and a half month into my new study, and all my fears have been blown away.
First of all, I just LOVE this study, I LOVE art academy and studying art and am VERY VERY happy I made this choice last year. No regrets whatsoever! Almost makes last year (biology) feel pretty bad, while that was (especially compared to high school) pretty awesome too.
On top of that, all my fears for them not accepting me and such appeared to be irrational. I haven't even told all of my classmates (just the ones that asked), and still... nobody even gives a fuck! They just accept me for who I am and don't even question why I'm such a "feminine looking" guy, or gossip about me, etc. I just feel so happy about this all!
I also feel very happy to finally live as a guy for a large part of my life now. Add that to the fact that this school and study are just RIGHT for me, makes that I've never enjoyed school more than this! Sure, I have lows too just as I have highs, but in general... right now I feel better, happier, more myself than ever before. I do not regret any of my descisions so far, even though they were hard to make, they were the RIGHT ones!
And second thing I wanted to share is... I GOT ANOTHER CALL! Yes, from the VU genderteam! Even a (tiny) bit before the three month mark, while the psych at the intake said "three to six months"! Such good news! This will be at the 6th of November, around 1 o clock, meaning it's during school time. But I don't think it's even possible to plan it outside of school hours, and all other people I spoke also took a day off from school those times. Well, one day a month... not a big issue.
Anyway... yup. Now the big waiting game is slowly beginning.
Anyway, I started at my new study and school 1st of september this year. As some of you might remember, I was very nervous about it all. Sure, a new study, a new class and new school IS a big and scary change, but that wasn't the main cause of my nerves... it's that I finally started living full time as a guy at school, even though I'm still pre T. I was scared to be called all sorts of crap, scared that people would see me as a girl anyway, that I'd be bullied, that there would be gossip... the list goes on.
Now I am one and a half month into my new study, and all my fears have been blown away.
First of all, I just LOVE this study, I LOVE art academy and studying art and am VERY VERY happy I made this choice last year. No regrets whatsoever! Almost makes last year (biology) feel pretty bad, while that was (especially compared to high school) pretty awesome too.
On top of that, all my fears for them not accepting me and such appeared to be irrational. I haven't even told all of my classmates (just the ones that asked), and still... nobody even gives a fuck! They just accept me for who I am and don't even question why I'm such a "feminine looking" guy, or gossip about me, etc. I just feel so happy about this all!
I also feel very happy to finally live as a guy for a large part of my life now. Add that to the fact that this school and study are just RIGHT for me, makes that I've never enjoyed school more than this! Sure, I have lows too just as I have highs, but in general... right now I feel better, happier, more myself than ever before. I do not regret any of my descisions so far, even though they were hard to make, they were the RIGHT ones!
And second thing I wanted to share is... I GOT ANOTHER CALL! Yes, from the VU genderteam! Even a (tiny) bit before the three month mark, while the psych at the intake said "three to six months"! Such good news! This will be at the 6th of November, around 1 o clock, meaning it's during school time. But I don't think it's even possible to plan it outside of school hours, and all other people I spoke also took a day off from school those times. Well, one day a month... not a big issue.
Anyway... yup. Now the big waiting game is slowly beginning.
vrijdag 3 oktober 2014
Coming out. Friends, family, neighbours?
I know it has been quite a long time since I have written a blog entry. I have been pretty busy with school and whatnot and just did not have much time and motivation to write.
Today I want to adress something EVERY transperson (and many non-transpeople for that matter) have to deal with: COMING OUT, and dealing with distant family, friends, and even neighbours. I will tell my own coming out stories so far, and also the difficulties I faced and still face in many coming outs to come. Here we go...
Coming out to...
Yourself
Before you can even TELL someone else, like friends or family, you have to acknowledge it for yourself. Often an underestimated step, as it is not noticable for the outside world, but it is the VERY FIRST step and thus also a very important one. Basically before you can come out to ANYONE, you have to come out to yourself first!
I did this about two years ago from now. At that time I still felt very awkward and even ashamed for my identity. When first taking steps to find out my gender identity I even felt bad when just typing "transgender" into the search field. I deeply did NOT WANT TO BE transgender. I felt like an abomination, a freak, a crazy circus attraction, if I would be trans. But how much I tried, I could not stuff those feelings away. They kept coming back to the surface, every time again.
So I searched. I researched. I thought. I ponderd. I felt. And accepted.
However, after this accepting, lots of time would pass until I felt strong and certain enough to tell my parents and friends...
The first other person
After you come out to yourself, the next step is to come out to someone you trust, a good friend, a parent, a family member... it could be anyone.
I first came out to my niece. She wasn't one of my best friends, nor one of my parents, and I don't even know why I picked her to first tell it to out of my own accord, but I just felt like she would accept it for some reason, and she did. We talked a lot about it, and she became my first supporter. I really needed that "back support" she, and later also her brother and parents, gave me.
Friends
Most of my friends who knew me from "before" know what's going on. Not all of them have fully adapted to it, but no one responded negatively or abandoned me. Some of them have swapped pronouns and name almost instantly (to those friends I'd like so say a loud: THANK YOU!), others have a bit more difficulty seeing me as a guy, but support whatever I'll decide to do. I will soon press them to adress me as a guy too, and just calmly correct them each time they get it wrong.
Not everybody knows though... actually I find it hardest to tell my best or at least longest-time friends, I don't know why... it should be the other way around. My five best high school friends are the only good friends that do not yet know, which makes me feel pretty bad. Maybe I am afraid our friendship won't be the same after they know... or they won't accept it... but I HAVE to tell, because if I won't... our friendship will definitely break. At first I was just afraid to lose them, now I feel that I just don't want to be around them as much anymore, because I constantly feel like "hiding a secret", and "acting", which is a real shame, as they are great people and we shared lots of awesome things together. I don't want to lose them because of this...
Parents
After her and some other friends, I came out to my parents. I had written a letter weeks before, and tried to tell it many days before already, but simply felt jammed. I couldn't say it, I was that scared. (and without reason too, since my parents are really accepting and just want me to be happy. Before I told them I already KNEW for sure they wouldn't hate or disown me)
One day I just said to myself "NOW I AM GOING TO TELL THEM! It's NOW or NEVER! I can't keep pushing it ahead any longer." and I tried again whole day, but couldn't. I have never felt more terrible ever in my life. Until at the end of the day, I just handed them the letter and went upstairs, shaking.
They took it well, like I expected, but we all still felt weird about it. I still felt like I was in the closet, basically. Eventually they eased up a bit. I started writing blogposts again, shared them with my dad, and didn't feel like I had to "hide" my binders and such anymore. We still have a long road ahead of us, as they still truly see me as their "daughter" (I feel like especially my mom finds it hard to let go), but I have the feeling that will also pass in time when everything becomes a bit more "real" for them too, like when I get my psychological tests and talks at the VU and such.
I am not yet going to tell them they HAVE to call me him and Erik, but that time WILL come pretty soon... as the more I start living as a guy, the more I hate being seen as a girl at home, though I also understand it is very difficult for them to just "swap" after 19 years.
New people?
I do not even "come out" to new people anymore. I introduce myself as a guy from start, because that makes ME feel better, and also makes it easier for both me and them when I will transition later. My new classmates and friends don't know me as anything but a guy, BUT... there is a but... since I am pre-T (pre hormones) I still look and sound rather... uhm... feminine. I feel very bad about it, but it's simply the reality. Thanks to this many people suspect something or figure it out anyway, and many of my new friends know I'm trans even though I introduced as a guy from start. I also feel a bit more at ease if they know, as then I don't have to worry about passing, being "man enough", etc. and just be myself. (yeah, I'm just no macho dude. I actually really hate macho guys. They are pretty darn annoying)
Difficulties... neighbours, parties, distant family...
A big difficulty I am hitting nowadays is... those "far away aqaintances" whom you see a few times of the year, have superficial talk with, and don't really want to share personal details of your life with, BUT who thus see you as the wrong sex and constantly misgender you, completely unaware of what's going on.
For me this shows up extra strongly at parties. Collections of people whom I hardly know or care about deeply, and actually don't want to tell such a personal thing... but when I'm there, talking with them, I really feel pretty bad. It's playing a role all over again. Smile n wave, smile n wave, nod, nod.
All these people asking you how life is coming along, and then having to pretend you are totally happy as your birth sex and just smile along... yes... that hurts.
I am not sure how I will go about on telling these people, I think I will just let them live in oblivion until I have the green light for hormones, and then I'll get a bunch of "hurray it's a boy" cards or something (maybe draw them myself? :P) and send them to everybody, explaing my situation. If SOMEONE is still misgendering me at that point I will also play no more "easy games" with them and just ignore them (or misgender THEM back, hah!) when they do so. Though I hope most people stop before that time... as it's still a long while away from now.
Anyway, that was it folks! If any of you have questions, suggestions for upcoming posts, or things you liked/disliked about this one, feel free to tell me in the comment section below, or ask me on facebook through a PM if it's more private.
Cheers,
Erik
Today I want to adress something EVERY transperson (and many non-transpeople for that matter) have to deal with: COMING OUT, and dealing with distant family, friends, and even neighbours. I will tell my own coming out stories so far, and also the difficulties I faced and still face in many coming outs to come. Here we go...
Coming out to...
Yourself
Before you can even TELL someone else, like friends or family, you have to acknowledge it for yourself. Often an underestimated step, as it is not noticable for the outside world, but it is the VERY FIRST step and thus also a very important one. Basically before you can come out to ANYONE, you have to come out to yourself first!
I did this about two years ago from now. At that time I still felt very awkward and even ashamed for my identity. When first taking steps to find out my gender identity I even felt bad when just typing "transgender" into the search field. I deeply did NOT WANT TO BE transgender. I felt like an abomination, a freak, a crazy circus attraction, if I would be trans. But how much I tried, I could not stuff those feelings away. They kept coming back to the surface, every time again.
So I searched. I researched. I thought. I ponderd. I felt. And accepted.
However, after this accepting, lots of time would pass until I felt strong and certain enough to tell my parents and friends...
The first other person
After you come out to yourself, the next step is to come out to someone you trust, a good friend, a parent, a family member... it could be anyone.
I first came out to my niece. She wasn't one of my best friends, nor one of my parents, and I don't even know why I picked her to first tell it to out of my own accord, but I just felt like she would accept it for some reason, and she did. We talked a lot about it, and she became my first supporter. I really needed that "back support" she, and later also her brother and parents, gave me.
Friends
Most of my friends who knew me from "before" know what's going on. Not all of them have fully adapted to it, but no one responded negatively or abandoned me. Some of them have swapped pronouns and name almost instantly (to those friends I'd like so say a loud: THANK YOU!), others have a bit more difficulty seeing me as a guy, but support whatever I'll decide to do. I will soon press them to adress me as a guy too, and just calmly correct them each time they get it wrong.
Not everybody knows though... actually I find it hardest to tell my best or at least longest-time friends, I don't know why... it should be the other way around. My five best high school friends are the only good friends that do not yet know, which makes me feel pretty bad. Maybe I am afraid our friendship won't be the same after they know... or they won't accept it... but I HAVE to tell, because if I won't... our friendship will definitely break. At first I was just afraid to lose them, now I feel that I just don't want to be around them as much anymore, because I constantly feel like "hiding a secret", and "acting", which is a real shame, as they are great people and we shared lots of awesome things together. I don't want to lose them because of this...
Parents
After her and some other friends, I came out to my parents. I had written a letter weeks before, and tried to tell it many days before already, but simply felt jammed. I couldn't say it, I was that scared. (and without reason too, since my parents are really accepting and just want me to be happy. Before I told them I already KNEW for sure they wouldn't hate or disown me)
One day I just said to myself "NOW I AM GOING TO TELL THEM! It's NOW or NEVER! I can't keep pushing it ahead any longer." and I tried again whole day, but couldn't. I have never felt more terrible ever in my life. Until at the end of the day, I just handed them the letter and went upstairs, shaking.
They took it well, like I expected, but we all still felt weird about it. I still felt like I was in the closet, basically. Eventually they eased up a bit. I started writing blogposts again, shared them with my dad, and didn't feel like I had to "hide" my binders and such anymore. We still have a long road ahead of us, as they still truly see me as their "daughter" (I feel like especially my mom finds it hard to let go), but I have the feeling that will also pass in time when everything becomes a bit more "real" for them too, like when I get my psychological tests and talks at the VU and such.
I am not yet going to tell them they HAVE to call me him and Erik, but that time WILL come pretty soon... as the more I start living as a guy, the more I hate being seen as a girl at home, though I also understand it is very difficult for them to just "swap" after 19 years.
New people?
I do not even "come out" to new people anymore. I introduce myself as a guy from start, because that makes ME feel better, and also makes it easier for both me and them when I will transition later. My new classmates and friends don't know me as anything but a guy, BUT... there is a but... since I am pre-T (pre hormones) I still look and sound rather... uhm... feminine. I feel very bad about it, but it's simply the reality. Thanks to this many people suspect something or figure it out anyway, and many of my new friends know I'm trans even though I introduced as a guy from start. I also feel a bit more at ease if they know, as then I don't have to worry about passing, being "man enough", etc. and just be myself. (yeah, I'm just no macho dude. I actually really hate macho guys. They are pretty darn annoying)
Difficulties... neighbours, parties, distant family...
A big difficulty I am hitting nowadays is... those "far away aqaintances" whom you see a few times of the year, have superficial talk with, and don't really want to share personal details of your life with, BUT who thus see you as the wrong sex and constantly misgender you, completely unaware of what's going on.
For me this shows up extra strongly at parties. Collections of people whom I hardly know or care about deeply, and actually don't want to tell such a personal thing... but when I'm there, talking with them, I really feel pretty bad. It's playing a role all over again. Smile n wave, smile n wave, nod, nod.
All these people asking you how life is coming along, and then having to pretend you are totally happy as your birth sex and just smile along... yes... that hurts.
I am not sure how I will go about on telling these people, I think I will just let them live in oblivion until I have the green light for hormones, and then I'll get a bunch of "hurray it's a boy" cards or something (maybe draw them myself? :P) and send them to everybody, explaing my situation. If SOMEONE is still misgendering me at that point I will also play no more "easy games" with them and just ignore them (or misgender THEM back, hah!) when they do so. Though I hope most people stop before that time... as it's still a long while away from now.
Anyway, that was it folks! If any of you have questions, suggestions for upcoming posts, or things you liked/disliked about this one, feel free to tell me in the comment section below, or ask me on facebook through a PM if it's more private.
Cheers,
Erik
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