Too busy to write

I just wanted to say... well, I'm really busy right now. I can hardly check the fora and such I'm on, let alone write things for this blog (or draw for DA, etc.)
But even though I'm so busy I hardly have time for breaks (or school work :s uh-oh), it has been really great. I have more friends than I ever had at elementary- and high school, WITHOUT even doing anything for it, lol. I just FIT with these people, y'know! All my life I've been an outcast, I've been "the weird one", the loner, and now I have suddenly entered a world where exactly the opposite is true! I am no longer alone in things which I thought I was alone in. This makes me so happy. So happy that I ALMOST would forget my gender identity issues. Since my new friends... they take me for who I AM, not for my gender, my looks, etc. but just for "me". When I'm with them, I simply FORGET I'm a girl! I even carefully spoke with one of them on that I feel I should have born male, and she wasn't shocked or freaked out at all.
I feel that I'm growing out of my childhood years for good now. I'm already becoming more responsible and less insecure, but I've got a long road ahead of me. But I know for sure that this was the right choice to make!

I also have to say I now have a room! (yay!) It still needs major decorating (even wall painting) but it's a start.

A small epipany

Just had my first week of university. It was pretty great, met a lot of awesome people and made more friends than I could ever imagine (I have always been a loner, so this was kind of a shock, LOL!), but also very tiring. So many new things happening around me... some days I felt lost. Longing back to the 'easy' days of high school. Of the patterns I knew inside out and were full of familiarity.
When I am honest with myself, though, I am glad to be off high school. It was better than elementary school, but still pretty horrible. (I won't go into details now)
I think I feel this way (missing something I hate) because high school gave me security, and certainty. Especially in the last years I had settled pretty well. I had acquired a nice group of friends and found the perfect balance between "doing nothing" <-> "working like an idiot", so I could basically get 'okay' grades with little stress and effort. Now everything has changed, literally EVERYTHING, and all the certainties I build my life on are suddenly crumbling down underneath my feet.
Now I suddenly realize how much I relied on these certainties. How much I depended on them. And that blaming my parents and friends for everything that went wrong in my life, for everything I wanted but couldn't and didn't do, was entirely WRONG. That it's ME who is wrecking my life and that it's ME who is inhibiting myself, keeping me away from chasing my dreams.
Staring these things right in the face, losing every certainty which once seemed set in stone, is pretty unsettling. But I either have to get through this and fucking GROW UP, or stay a dependant child forever...!

One of my 'high school' friends also appears to know a transguy AND know he's trans AND -to make it even better- she's okay with that fact. I have also met another really nice girl who's a very accepting person and such (she's perfectly okay with a lot of things that are considered weird, etc. and mainly is an advocate of "being who you are", so I think she'll only be happy that I had the guts to tell her and to become myself more), and I'm thinking of coming out to her soon. Just gotto find the time to properly tell her, preferably without others for the first time, and then come out to the others (also accepting people, but I know them a bit less cause I'm not in the same 'work group' as them)
I feel a bit stupid/sad/cowardly for not coming out right away though, but then again... everything in steps! Better take my time than rush it too much (even though one part of me wants everything to happen NOW, and not later, lol)

I also expected the transvisie zorg people to email me (as they said 'within a week') but they haven't done so yet, which makes me a bit wary and sad. But I'm probably just being overanxious, and they are probably just busy and such... so I'll just hope they will eventually reply anyway. I really need to talk about this with people. like... seriously! I fear for my mental health if I don't.

Update: I just checked my mail and they replied. Most dates are during college times though, so I'll have to see how I'm going to find a way to get there.

First baby steps...

Okay guys, a bit of a "status update" on what's going on here regarding the trans business.

I sent an email to an organisation called "transvisie zorg" (it's Dutch) telling them I feel awkward and insecure about my biological sex, etc. but don't really know how to proceed from there, like how to get started and what to do with these feelings, etc.
Just a day later I got a reply, saying they fully understood my problem and I had come to the right place to find answers. It also said I would get an invitation for an intake meeting within a week, and probably had to wait a few weeks till the 'real thing' (well, I can wait a few weeks. The waiting list for T is a year -or so I've heard- so a few weeks doesn't sound that bad to me)

I'm excited and happy about it, but also slightly nervous (positive nerves ;) ). I hope before then I get the courage to tell someone, so I don't have to go alone, and if not... well... so be it. Then I'll go on my own.
I just feel like I really got to get know and talk to some fellow transpeople (preferably guys, because we go through the same things and such, but right now I'm okay with anyone who openly accepts me as who I am and who I can discuss stuff with without feeling like I'm 'being judged'), and even though I've done so via the internet plenty of times, doing it irl is a way of 'making it real', of telling my brain this is not some 'childhood game' of boys and girls, but a REAL thing which needs immediate attention and action.

Anyway, how much I hate to struggle with my gender identity, I think that once I have taken the steps I need, and I emerge on the other side as Erik, I'll be a stronger person!
You see, the last years of high school I thought I was strong, and I thought I was being myself, but now I see... that was just a lie. I dressed differently than the others (alternative/pagan-y), had dreads, and was open and proud about "being me" and came across confident.
Now I am moving out, and am discovering myself regarding my gender identity, I see that this wasn't true. I used that style as a 'gimmick' to seem strong, and APPEARED so when the situation was safe. But now I'm moving into less 'safe' and 'known' area's/situations I suddenly feel lost and alone. Like a little kid who lost his mommy.
When I want to truly become a guy, inside AND outside, I have to step out of this small 'comfort zone' around me, and do some things I found (and -honestly- still find) VERY frightening. I would have to do and say things which I NEVER would without something big to push and move me. I'd have to either stay a girl all my life, or overcome some major fears.

It's of course very scary and confronting when doing so (especially when you thought you were finally free of those fears!), and some days I almost feel like jumping out of a plane, unsure whether the package on my back truly IS a parachute. Other days it makes me feel like I'm a little kid all over again, like all the growth I thought I went through was nothing but a flawy gimmick.
But then I remember, and then I know, this is the path I have to follow. And that if I follow it all the way through, I will grow as a person, and will finally be able to be who I TRULY am, not who I THINK I am.

R.I.P. My dreads :'(

Another thing I feel like sharing is that I cut off my dreads. All of them!

I feel sad about it, and I miss them, but on the other hand was is necessary for me to move on and 'grow' as a person. I know one thing, and that's that I'll get new ones once on T. Together with an awesome goatee!
I really had to feel what it's like NOT to have dreads though, and they actually WERE hindering my passing quite a bit. I know this, as since I cut them off I've been gendered correctly FIVE times and gotten numerous "WTF" stares in the women's toilets (made me feel quite uneasy, but they are a good sign, so I'm also sort of happy with them), while before; nothing. Not a SINGLE woman looked like I was out of place, and NO ONE ever said "young man" or "lad" or "him". One downside is that when I talk most people are like "Ohh, sorry miss!" (stupid people! Don't they see they did it RIGHT!? >:-I)
But I at least don't get odd glares when buying men's clothes or products anymore. I also think I could try to pass in the men's toilet, as not a single man would talk in there anyway, and if I just stick to the 'men's restroom etiquette' chances are they'll see me as a young guy. Nothing else. Chances are I will even get LESS stares than in the women's toilets!

It makes me sad though, that my voice is the breaking point right now. I was so naive to hope I could fully pass pre-T (how lucky would I be then, lol!), but of course I don't. And it will take many years before I can get on T, and will be able to live as a man full-time.
But yeah, it's worth it. Just keep going on. Never stop fighting for your true self!

P.S. for anyone who wants to see how my dreads looked from start to end, I have kept a timeline at a site called Dreadlock Truth, here it is; http://www.dreadlocktruth.com/dtforums/30/9113
Feel free to comment on what I wrote, or even just on my dreads ;)

Going to university (and some other stuff)

First of all, I don't think anyone reads this, but then still sorry for the silence. I've been busy and stressed lately and had no time nor energy to write anything for this blog.

At the 2nd of September I will start my first day of my study, Biology, at Wageningen University. I also have to find a room and move all my stuff there before that date, and get all the books I need in time.
For years I've been looking forward to this date, especially end of 6th grade I couldn't wait anymore. I was so excited!
But now... I suddenly feel alone, and scared. Having to sort all my stuff on my own, not having parents to help me when I need it... not even having them close to hug them when I feel like it. I didn't think I'd EVER say this, but damn! This makes me feel so alone. So small. So young...

Added to that the tension inside of me regarding my gender identity is rising to a breaking point. At first when I came to terms with myself I thought I could live with 'just' accepting myself as a guy and living on as a girl. I thought I was -sort of- happy as a girl and didn't mind it, as long as I could be masculine. But now I've opened myself up for these long repressed feelings, I realize that's not true. I wasn't happy as a girl, I've never BEEN happy as a girl, for the simple reason that I AM no girl. It feels like being stuck in a disguise all my life. No one ever sees my real face, my real me, not even myself.
I know I cannot keep living as a 'girl' now I KNOW I'm not crazy, now I know there is another solution and I don't HAVE to live this lie. But I'm so stressed out for everything I suddenly have to think about and take care of that I can hardly muster the energy and courage to talk about it with people.

My parents, especially my mum, are having a hard time too. My dad's motivation for his work is dropping and that together with the financial crisis makes we earn like half what we used to. My mum is being depressed or something, I dunno how to describe it, and she sometimes seems to have gone back to being a small child. Dependant on us, crying for nothing, being scared of nothing. She is struggling with her life, her health (which isn't that bad, really, but she blames everything on it!), and most of all; her own identity. It seems like she doesn't know who she really is, like she's even more lost than I am. It's too much to describe properly, but you understand I feel like it would be nasty of me to tell her about my gender crisis right now. That I am "her sweet girl" is one of the few happy "truths" she thinks she can rely on.
If I tell her I don't feel like I am a girl at all, I'm afraid this will be too much stress for her. I'd feel so selfish for telling her about it, so I suffer in silence... and hopefully be able to talk about it with a psychologist or friend sometime soon.

MENstruating is MANLY!

So... how do I survive the monthly 'hell week'? (I huddle up in a dark corner, live on ice cream, candy, lots of coffee, and listen to loud psychedelic music until it's over. Ahem... no, lol! :P)

Well, something which really helped for me, is not to see it as something specifically 'feminine' anymore. After all, there ARE men who menstruate! Namely, TRANSmen. You can say whatever you want, but for me, transmen are just as much men as cismen.
Besides that... just imagine that CIS men were the ones menstruating (and having a womb), and not women. They'd probably brag about how 'strong' one has to be to 'survive' five days of intense bleeding and pain, saying women are 'weak' and cannot deal with pain properly BECAUSE they don't menstruate (and don't deal with the pain of childbirth). They'd also say that a womb is a far more superior organ compared to a penis (which, biologically seen, it IS! (just gimme a penis though, lol)), because a penis hangs in the outside and is vulnerable, and the womb can give 'the gift of life'. Also would a man have to be strong to have a 'parasite' (as that is basically what a baby is (mothers, don't kill me!)) in your belly for NINE months and share your 'resources and energy' with it.

We should just stop seeing genitals as the indication of gender, and rather see them as 'useful tools' to get kids with, pleasure with, and pee with. The TRUE gender is in one's head, not in one's body. If only cispeople could see and accept this, a lot of transpeople would feel a lot happier (some might even not transition, and at least feel more accepted BEFORE they transition)

So the next time you feel shit about hell week, think about how goddamn manly it is! Or you could of course buy yourself some nice treat, take off the pressure, maybe buy some new masculine shirt if that makes you feel good, or just relax and do nothing all the time. Just take it easy, and don't think about things feminine. And yes... I still don't like it either. Fact is... I HATE it. But these small things have kept me from going insane WHILE hating it. ;)

Weirdest reaction to coming out EVER! (rant)

In my first blogpost I wrote about 'sort of' being in the closet about being trans. I said 'sort of' because I came out to my friends in a letter, which would basically make me 'out', but I FEEL like still being 'in', because of their reaction.

About two weeks ago, I wrote this; (warning! LONG!)

Girls will be boys...?

Okay everyone, first of all I want to say that I've thought about writing this for a very long time, but was (read; am) very afraid to do so. I just don't know how to explain it all, and I don't want to appear a weirdo (I know I am lol!), or crazy, nor do I want to shock people/make them sad/unhappy, etc. but I just HAVE to talk about this. I also know I should actually send my friends an email, or tell them in person, and I tried... but I just can't... (feel free to always note (or email, if you got my adress) me though) so please bare with me. I DO want you to ask me things, say what you're thinking or wondering, even though it's difficult for me to talk about it, the silence would kill me...

I have it on my DevID for a while, and since no-one commented on it, I don't know how many people saw (some part of me is afraid people DO know, but go in 'denial' or 'ignore mode' ), but I'm very seriously suspecting I'm 'transgender', which -very simply put- means that the way I feel about my gender doesn't match with how my body/biology thinks about it. In other words; I feel like a boy, but -as most people know- I AM a girl (on the outside, that is).

I have no idea whether this comes as a shock to people or not. I mean, I've always been sort of boyish, but that still is not a definite 'red flag' of actually feeling like one (same way is gender identity and sexuality unrelated as well. Transgenders can be as well gay, straight, bi, asexual, and everything in between as "normal"-genders, called CISgenders (if you forget, think of chemistry and cis-trans configurations. The cis is on the same side (two matching genders 'mental' and 'physical'), the trans is 'unaligned' ('mental' and 'physical' gender don't match))). And "swapping gender", as some people might see it, is quite something. I know parents, friends, etc. of transgenders saying they 'knew/suspected it all along' (just like with many gay people, actually), and I have NO idea if that will be the case with me as well.

I will also say that I haven't sorted everything out yet completely, and that some days I feel DEFINITELY certain, like a 100% certain, of what I am, while other days I'm completely confused as HELL! And I just wonder whether I'm 'making life harder than it has to be', or anything like that. I tried figuring everything on myself for so long... not speaking a word... but I'm not getting any further now, and I feel like I can only fully start becoming who I am and accepting myself if I tell other people what I'm going through, in all honesty, not leaving out difficulties, doubts, or fears, and pretending everything is 'oh so clear' and 'perfectly okay' (which I dearly want to do, but I cannot lie, y'kow. As when I would lie to other people, I'd ALSO be lying to myself, and that is one of the most dangerous things to do, as before you know it... you will start believing your own lies YOURSELF!)
And even though I'd as gladly deny my doubts as I'd deny my transgender feelings, both are part of what I'm going through right now, whether I, or you, like it or not.

You guys have no idea how nervous I am about posting this, writing this even, but it HAS to be said.
I just deeply hope everyone understands, and accepts me as who I am, regardless of this whole matter.
Also I will encourage anyone to ask ANY question, if not in the comments section, in a note, etc. At this stage of just coming out I won't be offended, as long as the question is asked out of genuine naivity/curiosity. PLEASE don't stay silent because you don't know what to say, or are afraid to offend me. I cannot press hard enough that silence would hurt more than (almost) anything else. (use your common sense here, lol!)

I don't know what to say next... *closes eyes, presses 'submit' and prays, begs, and hopes for the best*
All I ask... is a little bit of understanding ,v__v

 They replied to it, saying something along the lines of "We don't quite know what to say right now, but are still your friend and want to talk about this tomorrow at school.", I was excited, but nervous, when I went to school the next day, seeing it as 'the great day'. When I saw them, they greeted me as usual, chatted with me as usual, etc. but didn't say anything about what I wrote. I decided to give them some time, as I was afraid that if I would breach the subject their good moods might shift, and chatted along happily.
All day at school, they said nothing. Not a word. Not even a simple "Ey, what's up with this transgender business?" or "What does it mean what you wrote?", "Why do you think you're trans?",etc. NOTHING. Not a word. Not even denial or disagreement, just nothing!
I was too afraid to bring it up myself, too much of a chicken and less of a man, and therefore decided to give them more time. Maybe they were afraid other people would meddle in or hear it, as I told them to be careful around others, explicitly my parents. So we went to home of one of my friend's, and decided to stay till dinner. We talked a lot in private. They had plenty of time to bring it up, and so did I...
But they said nothing. I said nothing. And they even called me "girl" and "she" multiple times, and eventually when I told them I didn't have a dress for the graduation ball yet, hoping they'd get my hint, they reacted like "Well get one quick then!". I really wanted to shout at them. Say "Girls! I'm a GUY, how idiotic would it be for me to go in a DRESS, eh?", but I didn't have the balls for it. I said nothing, and felt like utter shit. I never knew being misgendered could get even worse, but it did! It was A LOT worse now I knew they read my letter, and KNEW I was trans. It felt like they were openly denying what I was, not taking it seriously.

I have decided on ONE thing because of this, and that's that I won't come out in a letter to my parents (and a second time to friends!), but will tell them in person. Because when I'm ready to tell them, I am ready to discuss it, and correct them if they misgender me, etc. which I am not now, and wasn't when I wrote that letter. I forced a 'coming out' too soon, which resulted in this horrible situation. So if you're reading this, please learn from my mistake, and don't come out once you're not comfortable with talking about it openly, it will save you a reaction like this one.

Even though, like you can read, I strongly pressed them NOT to be silent. Because I feared for this reaction somehow... and my fears came true.

Style or Pass?

One of the difficulties I, and with me many transpeople, am facing is the compromise between personal style, and 'doing what every cisguy does' to aid passing.
I am quite a 'strange' person to many, and have very much a distinct style of my own (which is a bit of a rocker, hippie and skater mixed together. Cannot describe it otherwise). I like to wear 'odd' clothing, and to top that off I have pretty long dreadlocks.
Often I contemplated whether I should cut them, since 'long hair is long hair', and I feel like it hinders my passing, even though some fellow transguys on online communities have said otherwise. I am really attached to my dreads, on a personal and emotional level, and they really suit my style and personality. But short hair has a lot of advantages too, especially as a transguy...
Also wearing unusual clothing focusses people's attention on you, which makes it easier for them to clock you, and when you dress like any other guy, people are easy to assume you ARE 'any other guy'.

It can be quite difficult to stick to yourself when in early transition, especially when you're a 'weird bird' in a flock of common ones. I have never been "normal" though, and probably never WILL be. I don't feel at ease when just 'blending in' and being 'normal'. A goal in my life is to defy every single rule there is in the universe, starting with gravity and the speed of light! :P Okay... maybe not... but at least stereotypes concerning gender, transpeople, hippies, gamers... labels... so many labels...!
And even though it makes me feel dysphoric sometimes, I decided not to completely lose my 'own' style, my 'own' person (which is totally independent from gender!), or anything like that in the process of socially, and eventually physically, transitioning.

But whatever I do, the doubts and worries follow me everywhere. Even into my sleep! I wish I could just wake up the next day as a cisguy, and stop worrying about what is considered truly 'male', about whether people will see or accept me as male, and how I should walk, speak, and sit.

Starting out

Hello guys, this is my first blogpost. I'm not yet sure what to write, so I'll just start with a brief explanation why I started this blog.

Some time ago I finally came to terms with myself being transgender, and actually even transsexual (as I really want to live full-time as a man). I'm not quite out IRL though (I'll explain the "quite" part in a future post), and I just feel like I need to get some things off my chest. Just to have them not on my mind anymore.
So basically I'm writing this in a therapeutic sense, but would also love to help transpeople who are going through the same as I am, or even cispeople who are open to learn and want to know more. I genuinely believe that the MAJOR cause of transphobia has to do with ignorance! Cispeople simply don't understand us. They are confused as HELL about someone doubting something 'elementary' as their gender, something which THEY never even THOUGHT about, let alone doubt it.
Chances are my drop in the ocean will be very small, but even if I can just help ONE person, be it another transperson, a cisperson, or even myself, then this blog has had some use at least.

So now you know why I'm writing this.
My name is Erik, I'm pre-everything (even pre coming-out!), a crazy fantasy and roleplay geek, a lover of nature (and soon-to-be biologist!), music, and free-minded, hippy-hearted people (and I'm one myself too! :P).