Holiday Contemplations

Hello everybody,
I have just been on wintersport for a week in France. Nothing beats the feeling of sun, snow, and speed in the mountains, and I truly enjoyed it very much, but there also was a dark side to it all.
I went together with an old friend (who knows, and accepts all of this), and her parents (who don't know).
I wanted to tell them (her parents) as soon as possible, but I chickened out (not the first time). And besides, even if they had known they definitely wouldn't have started to address me as a guy right away, especially since I know them since I'm a little kid...
So yeah, bottom line is, I had to deal with -fully- being a girl again for a week. I can sort of deal with my birthname and "she", as that is simply how they know me. If I had introduced myself as "Jabberjocker Turdbottom" they'd call me that, and in LARP I always play a role and get called another name than my real name, I can handle that in a factual "they don't know me differently" manner. The REAL hard part comes when they reffer to me and my friend as "ladies", or say stuff as "Yeah, but that's because you are a girl." or "Yeah, that's a typical girl thing!" etc.
My friend's mom also wanted me to shower each day, which is kinda understandable, since skiing all day makes you sweat and smell like crazy, but having to confront myself with my naked body every single day is quite difficult.

However, from start I decided I wouldn't make any sacrificies regarding my masculine appearance. I initially skied with my old mom's skiing pants, which were fine last year, but now they made me feel VERY uncomfortable. Gladly my friend's mom had an extra pair of straight-fit skiing pants with her which I could wear (I told her my mom's pants were too tight and uncomfortable), which made me feel MUCH better.
I also tried very much to postpone toilet visits till our appartement or don't go together with the others, so I could go to the men's loo. This worked almost all the time, and I just went to the men's all the time except twice, when I basically couldn't get around it.
Actually this whole 'being a "girl" for a week again' also gave me valuable insights, as even though I feel so much more mentally at PEACE now, I couldn't help but wonder whether it was 'just' because I had gotten more confident and am now following my passion and all (art academy). This week I experienced extreme unease when confronted with my biological sex, and felt less awkward and stared-at in the men's than the women's toilets (though it probably is about even, as I am not being yelled at or called out in either toilet, but receive a few stares/glances... in either toilet), I just felt even more clearly that transition is the right thing to do, and I just cannot "go back" to being a "normal girl".
I also realized HOW MUCH my parents have already progressed, and how accepted I feel by them compared to others. 

It also wasn't all dysphoria and negativity. In general I had a very nice holiday with lots of fun times to look back upon with a smile (my old friend also changed my name in her phone to Erik and doesn't reffer to me as a 'lady' or a 'girl' anymore!), and for me nothing beats the feeling of soaring down white mountains, wind in my hair, sun on my face, adrenaline in my veins.
To me, skiing is almost like meditation, like a zen state of mind. When I ski I am completely at peace. I feel no fear, I feel no anger, I feel no sadness. A serene pool of calmth and focus.There is no past, there is no future, just the NOW.

And all that remains is me, and the mountain.

Third VU visit

Hey there folks!
Today I had my third visit to the VU (my second psych talk, out of a minimum of 6). Sadly it was quite an... anti-climax. We basically just spoke about my home situation, my experiences at school, etc. and nothing about gender and my relation to that at all. She (my psych) said she first wanted to form a clear image of me, my life, my past and current situation, which I understand, but yet it feels like no step forward.
Each talk is just 45 minutes long, once a month, and it just feels like... SO LITTLE. Each time (so far) I come home feeling like "Was that it?". I just wish we could talk for double that time or something, because it just feels so damn short! Now I also get why you need at least six talks though, because they are so short and far apart you'd otherwise not have discussed everything.
Each time afterwards I just want to continue, but then am taken out of it again and have to wait another month. Distracting, and annoying. >_<
Anyway, she also said she found I could describe everything (in this case reffering to my life story and answers I gave to her questions, which were not gender related at all) very well and very clearly. She also said my life story was very clear and well written, so I'm glad to hear that.
Actually I had quite a good talk with her, but I was rather shocked when she said time was up, and I was like "Butbutbut... we just sat down here!" "Yeah, that was 45 minutes ago." "WOWHOLYJEZUSWHYDIDITGOSOFASTISTILLWANTEDTODISCCUSSTUFF!" (okay I did not really say that, haha) I felt like getting fired up, and catching speed, when she announced the end, so that was kinda... meh. Disappointing. (though also expected...)
My psych is rather nice though, the only thing which I kinda dislike about her is that she's quite a slow talker, and also tends to dwell on rather unimportant things a lot sometimes, and tends to repeat things when it's not necassery, but it could be much worse. At least I feel like she's genuinely interested in what I'm saying!

She said we'd talk about the gender things next time, sooo I hope we can finally discuss some stuff that MATTERS then, lol.
I also hope my new scedule (after christmas break) will be configured in such a way I don't need to miss too much classes, but only time can tell.

Alsooo, some other news! People who follow me on Facebook already know, so for many of you it won't be much 'news', but I FINALLY came out to one of my old high school friends, and she took it quite well. She said she was actually expecting it for a long time, but found it difficult to call me another name (well, as long as she WILL see me as a guy eventually I'm happy...).

Anyway, that's it for today! See you soon, and thanks for reading!