Going to university (and some other stuff)

First of all, I don't think anyone reads this, but then still sorry for the silence. I've been busy and stressed lately and had no time nor energy to write anything for this blog.

At the 2nd of September I will start my first day of my study, Biology, at Wageningen University. I also have to find a room and move all my stuff there before that date, and get all the books I need in time.
For years I've been looking forward to this date, especially end of 6th grade I couldn't wait anymore. I was so excited!
But now... I suddenly feel alone, and scared. Having to sort all my stuff on my own, not having parents to help me when I need it... not even having them close to hug them when I feel like it. I didn't think I'd EVER say this, but damn! This makes me feel so alone. So small. So young...

Added to that the tension inside of me regarding my gender identity is rising to a breaking point. At first when I came to terms with myself I thought I could live with 'just' accepting myself as a guy and living on as a girl. I thought I was -sort of- happy as a girl and didn't mind it, as long as I could be masculine. But now I've opened myself up for these long repressed feelings, I realize that's not true. I wasn't happy as a girl, I've never BEEN happy as a girl, for the simple reason that I AM no girl. It feels like being stuck in a disguise all my life. No one ever sees my real face, my real me, not even myself.
I know I cannot keep living as a 'girl' now I KNOW I'm not crazy, now I know there is another solution and I don't HAVE to live this lie. But I'm so stressed out for everything I suddenly have to think about and take care of that I can hardly muster the energy and courage to talk about it with people.

My parents, especially my mum, are having a hard time too. My dad's motivation for his work is dropping and that together with the financial crisis makes we earn like half what we used to. My mum is being depressed or something, I dunno how to describe it, and she sometimes seems to have gone back to being a small child. Dependant on us, crying for nothing, being scared of nothing. She is struggling with her life, her health (which isn't that bad, really, but she blames everything on it!), and most of all; her own identity. It seems like she doesn't know who she really is, like she's even more lost than I am. It's too much to describe properly, but you understand I feel like it would be nasty of me to tell her about my gender crisis right now. That I am "her sweet girl" is one of the few happy "truths" she thinks she can rely on.
If I tell her I don't feel like I am a girl at all, I'm afraid this will be too much stress for her. I'd feel so selfish for telling her about it, so I suffer in silence... and hopefully be able to talk about it with a psychologist or friend sometime soon.