First baby steps...

Okay guys, a bit of a "status update" on what's going on here regarding the trans business.

I sent an email to an organisation called "transvisie zorg" (it's Dutch) telling them I feel awkward and insecure about my biological sex, etc. but don't really know how to proceed from there, like how to get started and what to do with these feelings, etc.
Just a day later I got a reply, saying they fully understood my problem and I had come to the right place to find answers. It also said I would get an invitation for an intake meeting within a week, and probably had to wait a few weeks till the 'real thing' (well, I can wait a few weeks. The waiting list for T is a year -or so I've heard- so a few weeks doesn't sound that bad to me)

I'm excited and happy about it, but also slightly nervous (positive nerves ;) ). I hope before then I get the courage to tell someone, so I don't have to go alone, and if not... well... so be it. Then I'll go on my own.
I just feel like I really got to get know and talk to some fellow transpeople (preferably guys, because we go through the same things and such, but right now I'm okay with anyone who openly accepts me as who I am and who I can discuss stuff with without feeling like I'm 'being judged'), and even though I've done so via the internet plenty of times, doing it irl is a way of 'making it real', of telling my brain this is not some 'childhood game' of boys and girls, but a REAL thing which needs immediate attention and action.

Anyway, how much I hate to struggle with my gender identity, I think that once I have taken the steps I need, and I emerge on the other side as Erik, I'll be a stronger person!
You see, the last years of high school I thought I was strong, and I thought I was being myself, but now I see... that was just a lie. I dressed differently than the others (alternative/pagan-y), had dreads, and was open and proud about "being me" and came across confident.
Now I am moving out, and am discovering myself regarding my gender identity, I see that this wasn't true. I used that style as a 'gimmick' to seem strong, and APPEARED so when the situation was safe. But now I'm moving into less 'safe' and 'known' area's/situations I suddenly feel lost and alone. Like a little kid who lost his mommy.
When I want to truly become a guy, inside AND outside, I have to step out of this small 'comfort zone' around me, and do some things I found (and -honestly- still find) VERY frightening. I would have to do and say things which I NEVER would without something big to push and move me. I'd have to either stay a girl all my life, or overcome some major fears.

It's of course very scary and confronting when doing so (especially when you thought you were finally free of those fears!), and some days I almost feel like jumping out of a plane, unsure whether the package on my back truly IS a parachute. Other days it makes me feel like I'm a little kid all over again, like all the growth I thought I went through was nothing but a flawy gimmick.
But then I remember, and then I know, this is the path I have to follow. And that if I follow it all the way through, I will grow as a person, and will finally be able to be who I TRULY am, not who I THINK I am.