Yes, yes, I know I'm a slacker. I'm sorry folks. I just feel too
busy, lazy and not motivated enough to write lately, but since I just
had my LAST talk I feel like I HAVE to.
I will also shortly go over the fifth talk in this post.
Fifth talk
This
was the talk after the psychological test. My psych discussed the
results with me, which weren't very exciting. Basically she said I am
mentally healthy, not delusional, and most likely don't have ADHD or
autism (unlike what I expected).
Of course this is just a basic
and rather short test and cannot signify as an actual diagnosis or
'proof', but they didn't feel like they had to investigate it
Basically
the only thing which came out was that I clearly have gender dysphoria
and feel bad about the female attributes of my body. (wow, no shit!)
Appearantly some people were asked to draw some things, and my psych was rather disappointed they didn't ask me, out if all people, since I'm in art academy. I also thought that was quite a shame, as it would have been fun, haha.
For the rest we discussed the last bit of my life story, and I felt like she really understood me and what went through me throughout my life.
I left with a positive feeling, and the more time progresses, the happier I am with the psych switch which happened earlier.
Sixth talk
I knew we would be discussing 'sexuality' this time (whoo-hoo), which also went rather well. I will not share everything we discussed because that would be awkward and weird, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. We also went into a bit more depth on my current wishes regarding operations (a bit early, since the first one will take more than a year from starting T, but I get they want to have an indication early on), and if I have a child wish and if I would want a biological kid. (yeah, of course. But going through pregnancy or egg cell harvest isn't worth it for me)
She said I was well informed and had done good research and thought over everything very well, which she saw as a positive thing.
Then after this she closed her notebook and said we had discussed everything and wanted to wrap it up and scedule me for being discussed with the team. I was pleasantly surprised by this, as I expected there to be one more talk.
Sadly the news if I have green light or not will have to wait till 8th of June. At that same day I have my next appointment with my psych, and then she will personally deliver me the news and plan an appointment with the endocrinologist.
She couldn't tell me how long it would take till I would get T, though she claimed it would be highly unlikely to get it right after the endo appointment, and said the first appointment was just a basic intake and there would be more tests after.
I was kinda dissappointed by this, but other trangsuys I spoke with said they got T right after the first appointment, before the blood tests and DEXA scan. I really hope this will be the case with me as well, as otherwise I fear it might take many more months... (and you might say that's easy, but it's even harder to wait when you are SO close!)
But yeah, nevertheless, pretty exciting news! I'm getting closer and closer... it almost feels surreal. I definitely know it will feel surreal when I get my first shot.
vrijdag 17 april 2015
maandag 9 maart 2015
Fifth VU visit (fourth talk) and the Pychological test
Hey guys (and gals. Not forgetting you, hey!). First of all, sorry for not keeping up with my updates well. It has just been rather busy, and I kept lacking the motivation to write, so now I'll also go over the fifth visit/fourth talk in this post, even though that was about half a month ago.
Also a small update: I came out to all my remaining family members (for those who didn't know yet), and all of them responded very well. I never expected my family to be SO supportive. Sure, I thought they'd be 'fine' with it, but possibly also a bit taken aback or bewildered. The contrary was true. Quite some of my family members already knew much more about transgenderism than I anticipated, and all of them right away tried to call me Erik and him (though often failing, but this is more than I could ever hope for!), and I even got a shaving razor (can't get 'em soon enough, eh? :P) and a juice and tea glass with my name (the right one!) on it!
All this time I was afraid of rejection... but actually all I got was even more support than ever. Wow.
Fourth talk
This time the talk was mostly with my parents. They really want to speak to either a parent, sibling, or really close friend (from when you were still young) to figure out better what kind of person you were as a kid, and -presumably, even though they don't say it- to double check your own story.
I brought both my parentss with me, as they are both supportive and I felt like it would be a bad thing to 'choose sides'.
My mom was a bit hazy, as usual, and kept dragging in irrelevant details, also as usual. But she did show her support, and even though she was annoyed by my dad (rightfully) interrupting her (if not we'd still be talking NOW), I think this was better than leaving her behind in the waiting room. My dad did most of the talking, as my mom is VERY bad in coming to the point of things she wants to tell.
They backed up my story at several points, even though I hadn't told them what I told my psych. Good, that means my memory isn't playing tricks on me or something, haha. They also showed their support and understanding, which I am very grateful of.
In the end, I think it went well, and they left a good impression on my psych as a supportive family (which they are).
I also notice my parents, especially my dad, becoming more understanding. My mom still finds it difficult to let go of the image she has in her mind of her 'daughter', but I clearly see she's trying and willing to change, so I think that'll be fine too eventually.
It's also weird to imagine this is just the second talk with my 'new' psych, but I feel like I've had her for ages, and we discussed a whole lot already as compared to my previous psych. Even though I might get a month delay due to all of this, I am VERY glad I decided to swap.
Psychological test
And now the part which happened today: the test!
This test was taken by another person, and not my regular psych, and consisted of nothing more than a WHOLE LOT of questionnaires with questions ranging from deeply serious to... well... plain crazy.
Let me list a few... just for the lols.
- "Do you think other people can influence your mind and thoughts?" Think this one has been asked about a thousand (ok, I'm exaggerating) times just in different ways. Just HOW sure do they want to know I DO NOT think other people can influence, read, change, channel, whatever, my thoughts? Lol
- "Do you think all of humanity is plotting against you?" YE-... I mean NO! I wouldn't tell you that sssstupid humansssesss, cause you're in the plot too! (To steal my preciousss)
- "Do you believe you have magical powers?" Does WISHING you have them count? (or acting you do in a roleplay situation? :P)
- "Did you ever force someone to have sexual activity with you?" Uh what... and I would really tell you that if I were a sexual molester? Are they seriously THAT dumb? Next question "Did you murder someone?" xd
But yeah, actually it was rather funny at some points, and I even had a laugh with the guy taking the tests a couple times about how silly some questions were. Basically the only ones I could answer positively to were the questionnaires regarding gender, and I presume one that was about autism? I definitely couldn't tick all of the boxes there, and mostly was more in the middle, but I suppose that one will tell I MIGHT have a mild form of autism. Well, I already knew that. I don't care whether I do or not, as it doesn't hinder me in my daily life. One extra label won't make me a happier person.
In fact, I have been tested for autism, and when that showed I had/might have a mild form of Aspergers I actually starting behaving MORE autistically to subconsciously 'fit the label'. So no, it won't help me.
It's weird to imagine my next visit to the VU will already be in a week. Wait... WHAT? A WEEK? Holy cow! :') I didn't even realise it was THAT close already.
I had to move the sixth talk a week due a trip to Berlin, and I was pretty torn up about that at first, as it MIGHT be my last talk. But given the fact that would just be the fourth talk with my current psych I give it VERY low chances for it being the last. I currently have my last talk planned May the 7th, and I hope after that I can soon get green light and hormones. I have heard the wait can vary from 1 month to 4 months (in extreme cases) though. I hope I won't need to wait that long and can get T (=Testo) by summer... but we'll see. You never know with the VU...
woensdag 28 januari 2015
Fourth VU visit, and general update
Some of you might have wondered what too me so long this time. Since it is more than a month ago since my last VU-update (and most of you probably didn't even notice...)
So first of all, an update on what happened at the beginning of the new year for those who don't follow me on Facebook.
Well, summarized: at first all my teachers at school fell ill and all the tests were moved to the same day I had to go to the VU, second, my psych fell ill, appointment cancelled and postponed three weeks, and third, I found out my insurance wouldn't cover all of my transition because I had a wrong type. Especially the last issue really made me freak out big time, so badly I hardly slept one night. Long story short: because I was insanely lucky I could still get my insurance changed, but a little bit less luck... and my transition this year would have been history, or at least would have made me VERY poor.
I'm so glad all is solved though.
Three weeks passed, and here I am. My fourth visit!
Because my psych fell ill I was assigned to a new one, so I didn't know my psych this time, and was also kinda worried she'd want to redo everything.
Glady she turned out to be a very nice woman, and though she said the switch might cause a little bit of a delay, she reassured me she wouldn't start entirely over and would try to build onto what my previous psych did as much as possible. In fact, I even like her better than my previous psych, and she seemed rather slow sometimes, and at times appeared to have forgotten what she should say. I felt like my new psych is a lot more organised and efficient, and she asks me a lot more questions.
This time I felt like we actually discussed SOMETHING for the first time! We went through my life story and we spoke about certain things I had written down in regards of my general growth and life, but also gender and how I related to that. Whereas last time we had just discussed a bit about my parents, which could have been much more if my (old) psych didn't so many more than a minute long breaks in her talking.
We didn't manage to discuss my entire life story yet, but most of it at least, and I felt that she really understood the things I went through (also not only on the subject of gender) quite well. Some bits where difficult to explain, or exhausting, but at least I feel like we GOT somewhere this time!
Next talk will also be together with my parents. I am a bit anxious about it, but I'm pretty sure it will be fine. They are accepting of me and I have a good relationship with them.
Then (that same day) me and my psych will also finish discussing the rest of my life story, after that she said we'll discuss sexuality, child wish, etc. in depth (that's going to be reaaaally awkward xd but I understand it is necassery), and then... psychological test, and hopefully the last talk.
Only time can tell.
So first of all, an update on what happened at the beginning of the new year for those who don't follow me on Facebook.
Well, summarized: at first all my teachers at school fell ill and all the tests were moved to the same day I had to go to the VU, second, my psych fell ill, appointment cancelled and postponed three weeks, and third, I found out my insurance wouldn't cover all of my transition because I had a wrong type. Especially the last issue really made me freak out big time, so badly I hardly slept one night. Long story short: because I was insanely lucky I could still get my insurance changed, but a little bit less luck... and my transition this year would have been history, or at least would have made me VERY poor.
I'm so glad all is solved though.
Three weeks passed, and here I am. My fourth visit!
Because my psych fell ill I was assigned to a new one, so I didn't know my psych this time, and was also kinda worried she'd want to redo everything.
Glady she turned out to be a very nice woman, and though she said the switch might cause a little bit of a delay, she reassured me she wouldn't start entirely over and would try to build onto what my previous psych did as much as possible. In fact, I even like her better than my previous psych, and she seemed rather slow sometimes, and at times appeared to have forgotten what she should say. I felt like my new psych is a lot more organised and efficient, and she asks me a lot more questions.
This time I felt like we actually discussed SOMETHING for the first time! We went through my life story and we spoke about certain things I had written down in regards of my general growth and life, but also gender and how I related to that. Whereas last time we had just discussed a bit about my parents, which could have been much more if my (old) psych didn't so many more than a minute long breaks in her talking.
We didn't manage to discuss my entire life story yet, but most of it at least, and I felt that she really understood the things I went through (also not only on the subject of gender) quite well. Some bits where difficult to explain, or exhausting, but at least I feel like we GOT somewhere this time!
Next talk will also be together with my parents. I am a bit anxious about it, but I'm pretty sure it will be fine. They are accepting of me and I have a good relationship with them.
Then (that same day) me and my psych will also finish discussing the rest of my life story, after that she said we'll discuss sexuality, child wish, etc. in depth (that's going to be reaaaally awkward xd but I understand it is necassery), and then... psychological test, and hopefully the last talk.
Only time can tell.
maandag 29 december 2014
Holiday Contemplations
Hello everybody,
I have just been on wintersport for a week in France. Nothing beats the feeling of sun, snow, and speed in the mountains, and I truly enjoyed it very much, but there also was a dark side to it all.
I went together with an old friend (who knows, and accepts all of this), and her parents (who don't know).
I wanted to tell them (her parents) as soon as possible, but I chickened out (not the first time). And besides, even if they had known they definitely wouldn't have started to address me as a guy right away, especially since I know them since I'm a little kid...
So yeah, bottom line is, I had to deal with -fully- being a girl again for a week. I can sort of deal with my birthname and "she", as that is simply how they know me. If I had introduced myself as "Jabberjocker Turdbottom" they'd call me that, and in LARP I always play a role and get called another name than my real name, I can handle that in a factual "they don't know me differently" manner. The REAL hard part comes when they reffer to me and my friend as "ladies", or say stuff as "Yeah, but that's because you are a girl." or "Yeah, that's a typical girl thing!" etc.
My friend's mom also wanted me to shower each day, which is kinda understandable, since skiing all day makes you sweat and smell like crazy, but having to confront myself with my naked body every single day is quite difficult.
However, from start I decided I wouldn't make any sacrificies regarding my masculine appearance. I initially skied with my old mom's skiing pants, which were fine last year, but now they made me feel VERY uncomfortable. Gladly my friend's mom had an extra pair of straight-fit skiing pants with her which I could wear (I told her my mom's pants were too tight and uncomfortable), which made me feel MUCH better.
I also tried very much to postpone toilet visits till our appartement or don't go together with the others, so I could go to the men's loo. This worked almost all the time, and I just went to the men's all the time except twice, when I basically couldn't get around it.
Actually this whole 'being a "girl" for a week again' also gave me valuable insights, as even though I feel so much more mentally at PEACE now, I couldn't help but wonder whether it was 'just' because I had gotten more confident and am now following my passion and all (art academy). This week I experienced extreme unease when confronted with my biological sex, and felt less awkward and stared-at in the men's than the women's toilets (though it probably is about even, as I am not being yelled at or called out in either toilet, but receive a few stares/glances... in either toilet), I just felt even more clearly that transition is the right thing to do, and I just cannot "go back" to being a "normal girl".
I also realized HOW MUCH my parents have already progressed, and how accepted I feel by them compared to others.
It also wasn't all dysphoria and negativity. In general I had a very nice holiday with lots of fun times to look back upon with a smile (my old friend also changed my name in her phone to Erik and doesn't reffer to me as a 'lady' or a 'girl' anymore!), and for me nothing beats the feeling of soaring down white mountains, wind in my hair, sun on my face, adrenaline in my veins.
To me, skiing is almost like meditation, like a zen state of mind. When I ski I am completely at peace. I feel no fear, I feel no anger, I feel no sadness. A serene pool of calmth and focus.There is no past, there is no future, just the NOW.
And all that remains is me, and the mountain.
I have just been on wintersport for a week in France. Nothing beats the feeling of sun, snow, and speed in the mountains, and I truly enjoyed it very much, but there also was a dark side to it all.
I went together with an old friend (who knows, and accepts all of this), and her parents (who don't know).
I wanted to tell them (her parents) as soon as possible, but I chickened out (not the first time). And besides, even if they had known they definitely wouldn't have started to address me as a guy right away, especially since I know them since I'm a little kid...
So yeah, bottom line is, I had to deal with -fully- being a girl again for a week. I can sort of deal with my birthname and "she", as that is simply how they know me. If I had introduced myself as "Jabberjocker Turdbottom" they'd call me that, and in LARP I always play a role and get called another name than my real name, I can handle that in a factual "they don't know me differently" manner. The REAL hard part comes when they reffer to me and my friend as "ladies", or say stuff as "Yeah, but that's because you are a girl." or "Yeah, that's a typical girl thing!" etc.
My friend's mom also wanted me to shower each day, which is kinda understandable, since skiing all day makes you sweat and smell like crazy, but having to confront myself with my naked body every single day is quite difficult.
However, from start I decided I wouldn't make any sacrificies regarding my masculine appearance. I initially skied with my old mom's skiing pants, which were fine last year, but now they made me feel VERY uncomfortable. Gladly my friend's mom had an extra pair of straight-fit skiing pants with her which I could wear (I told her my mom's pants were too tight and uncomfortable), which made me feel MUCH better.
I also tried very much to postpone toilet visits till our appartement or don't go together with the others, so I could go to the men's loo. This worked almost all the time, and I just went to the men's all the time except twice, when I basically couldn't get around it.
Actually this whole 'being a "girl" for a week again' also gave me valuable insights, as even though I feel so much more mentally at PEACE now, I couldn't help but wonder whether it was 'just' because I had gotten more confident and am now following my passion and all (art academy). This week I experienced extreme unease when confronted with my biological sex, and felt less awkward and stared-at in the men's than the women's toilets (though it probably is about even, as I am not being yelled at or called out in either toilet, but receive a few stares/glances... in either toilet), I just felt even more clearly that transition is the right thing to do, and I just cannot "go back" to being a "normal girl".
I also realized HOW MUCH my parents have already progressed, and how accepted I feel by them compared to others.
It also wasn't all dysphoria and negativity. In general I had a very nice holiday with lots of fun times to look back upon with a smile (my old friend also changed my name in her phone to Erik and doesn't reffer to me as a 'lady' or a 'girl' anymore!), and for me nothing beats the feeling of soaring down white mountains, wind in my hair, sun on my face, adrenaline in my veins.
To me, skiing is almost like meditation, like a zen state of mind. When I ski I am completely at peace. I feel no fear, I feel no anger, I feel no sadness. A serene pool of calmth and focus.There is no past, there is no future, just the NOW.
And all that remains is me, and the mountain.
vrijdag 5 december 2014
Third VU visit
Hey there folks!
Today I had my third visit to the VU (my second psych talk, out of a minimum of 6). Sadly it was quite an... anti-climax. We basically just spoke about my home situation, my experiences at school, etc. and nothing about gender and my relation to that at all. She (my psych) said she first wanted to form a clear image of me, my life, my past and current situation, which I understand, but yet it feels like no step forward.
Each talk is just 45 minutes long, once a month, and it just feels like... SO LITTLE. Each time (so far) I come home feeling like "Was that it?". I just wish we could talk for double that time or something, because it just feels so damn short! Now I also get why you need at least six talks though, because they are so short and far apart you'd otherwise not have discussed everything.
Each time afterwards I just want to continue, but then am taken out of it again and have to wait another month. Distracting, and annoying. >_<
Anyway, she also said she found I could describe everything (in this case reffering to my life story and answers I gave to her questions, which were not gender related at all) very well and very clearly. She also said my life story was very clear and well written, so I'm glad to hear that.
Actually I had quite a good talk with her, but I was rather shocked when she said time was up, and I was like "Butbutbut... we just sat down here!" "Yeah, that was 45 minutes ago." "WOWHOLYJEZUSWHYDIDITGOSOFASTISTILLWANTEDTODISCCUSSTUFF!" (okay I did not really say that, haha) I felt like getting fired up, and catching speed, when she announced the end, so that was kinda... meh. Disappointing. (though also expected...)
My psych is rather nice though, the only thing which I kinda dislike about her is that she's quite a slow talker, and also tends to dwell on rather unimportant things a lot sometimes, and tends to repeat things when it's not necassery, but it could be much worse. At least I feel like she's genuinely interested in what I'm saying!
She said we'd talk about the gender things next time, sooo I hope we can finally discuss some stuff that MATTERS then, lol.
I also hope my new scedule (after christmas break) will be configured in such a way I don't need to miss too much classes, but only time can tell.
Alsooo, some other news! People who follow me on Facebook already know, so for many of you it won't be much 'news', but I FINALLY came out to one of my old high school friends, and she took it quite well. She said she was actually expecting it for a long time, but found it difficult to call me another name (well, as long as she WILL see me as a guy eventually I'm happy...).
Anyway, that's it for today! See you soon, and thanks for reading!
Today I had my third visit to the VU (my second psych talk, out of a minimum of 6). Sadly it was quite an... anti-climax. We basically just spoke about my home situation, my experiences at school, etc. and nothing about gender and my relation to that at all. She (my psych) said she first wanted to form a clear image of me, my life, my past and current situation, which I understand, but yet it feels like no step forward.
Each talk is just 45 minutes long, once a month, and it just feels like... SO LITTLE. Each time (so far) I come home feeling like "Was that it?". I just wish we could talk for double that time or something, because it just feels so damn short! Now I also get why you need at least six talks though, because they are so short and far apart you'd otherwise not have discussed everything.
Each time afterwards I just want to continue, but then am taken out of it again and have to wait another month. Distracting, and annoying. >_<
Anyway, she also said she found I could describe everything (in this case reffering to my life story and answers I gave to her questions, which were not gender related at all) very well and very clearly. She also said my life story was very clear and well written, so I'm glad to hear that.
Actually I had quite a good talk with her, but I was rather shocked when she said time was up, and I was like "Butbutbut... we just sat down here!" "Yeah, that was 45 minutes ago." "WOWHOLYJEZUSWHYDIDITGOSOFASTISTILLWANTEDTODISCCUSSTUFF!" (okay I did not really say that, haha) I felt like getting fired up, and catching speed, when she announced the end, so that was kinda... meh. Disappointing. (though also expected...)
My psych is rather nice though, the only thing which I kinda dislike about her is that she's quite a slow talker, and also tends to dwell on rather unimportant things a lot sometimes, and tends to repeat things when it's not necassery, but it could be much worse. At least I feel like she's genuinely interested in what I'm saying!
She said we'd talk about the gender things next time, sooo I hope we can finally discuss some stuff that MATTERS then, lol.
I also hope my new scedule (after christmas break) will be configured in such a way I don't need to miss too much classes, but only time can tell.
Alsooo, some other news! People who follow me on Facebook already know, so for many of you it won't be much 'news', but I FINALLY came out to one of my old high school friends, and she took it quite well. She said she was actually expecting it for a long time, but found it difficult to call me another name (well, as long as she WILL see me as a guy eventually I'm happy...).
Anyway, that's it for today! See you soon, and thanks for reading!
zondag 23 november 2014
Harder to Focus
Hey there people, it has been quite a while since my last post again (because I hardly had any time :c). Today I want to talk about an issue I am having lately, PLUS some good news/updates! (so it's not only negative. Happy now?)
I am VERY very happy to finally have started my diagnostic process. Finally I can see the ending of this, finally I can foresee the good things coming up, finally I'm moving forward instead of sitting on my lazy ass and pushing it all aside.
Buuut this also has a flip-side. Basically since my first talk I have had an increased difficulty to focus on OTHER aspects of my life, such as -you guessed it- school!
I always said, and still say, that being trans is only a small portion of who I am (it is just an aspect of me, and has nothing to do with my personality), but right now this SMALL portion is taking up a BIG part of my brain.
Added to this is the fact that we got a new scedule with the start of the next period, which leaves room for a LOT less free time after school to do homework and such, and some other 'special days' in the scedule, I have a great difficulty getting 'into' the flow of work, this period. On a positive note, I find that my work is improving, and that I am generally more 'free' with experimenting than previous period. However I still find that I have a great difficulty focussing and finding the energy to put my heart and soul in it, like I WANT and SHOULD.
The dysphoria also has gotten worse since living more-or-less fully as a guy. It is quite ironic that at the same time I feel more at 'peace' more calm and happy on the inside, while I also feel more stressed, anxious and self-conscious about my body. Some days it's so bad I just want to retreat somewhere, be that my room, a toilet, or just a quiet corner, but often I can't. I have to 'hold myself together' and make sure that mask shows no cracks. I am able to do this, in fact I am not even sure if I could SHOW it, but it costs me a lot of energy nevertheless.
I spoke about this, and also the concern I had about having to miss classes for my visits to the VU, with my SLB'er (some sort of a mentor), and she was very supportive of me. She reassured me she understood the difficulties I was having, and it would not be a problem for my study at all. I am still worried, though, because I don't think the teachers would make an exception for me because all of this, and frankly... even if they would, I wouldn't WANT them to. It would make me feel 'sick' or 'pitiful', and all I want is be normal and live a life like anybody else, be treated just like anybody else.
I don't want to be 'special' or 'different' (okay, I am, just being an artist makes me 'different' already, but that is a fundamental part of me as a PERSON, being trans is not. It is as much a part of my PERSONALITY as having diabetes or asthma would be for someone else), in fact a part of me is even reluctant to talk about it because I'd feel I would be 'attention whoring' too much, being too much like 'SEE ME! I AM SO POOR! Oh nooo noo nooo! PITY MEEE', and the LAST thing I'd ever, ever want is to be pitied. On the other hand, all of it is bothering me and occupying me for a great deal right now, and writing it down, sharing it, talking about it, helps me deal with it better. It makes me feel like I am not carrying this stone alone anymore, but I carry it together with everybody who cares about me, making it a lot easier to lift.
Buuut move away from all this whining and negativity, I also have some good news!
First of all, I came out to my classmates (felt better towards them. They are great people and I thought they deserved to know), and they responded REALLY well! All of them were very supportive and even said things like "You're a boss" "Respect for being so brave to tell us" "You're an awesome dude!" and so forth. I am very happy I took the step to tell them!
Secondly, my parents, mainly my dad, are getting more understanding and respectful of the way I feel. I feel like I can talk more and more openly with them about it, which is great! My dad even called me "Erik" and "dude" a couple of times. I notice they still find it a weird thought to see me as a guy, but I suppose that's just normal, and I notice from lots of little cues they are truly trying to slowly start accepting me as their son.
And third, I am going to come out to one of my oldest and best friends next saturday (hope it goes well). I finally got over myself and decided she really had to know, so she'll be coming over to my place saturday morning. After that we will go on skiing holiday together (that is also a reason why I wanted to tell her SOON), and the week after we will meet up with the others from my high school friend group again, and I will tell them at that moment.
I notice I am becoming less fearful and more secure. I used to procrastinate things I was afraid of and found difficult, and I still do, but as of lately I am more and more often taking things into my own hands and just DOING what has to be done, which is truly an empowering feeling.
Even though some days I am all done with it, and I just feel terrible, there are still many great days behind and ahead of me. I am also very thankful for all of my great friends, of whom none have left me and truly proved to be as open-minded and accepting as I gauged them. Thank you!
I am VERY very happy to finally have started my diagnostic process. Finally I can see the ending of this, finally I can foresee the good things coming up, finally I'm moving forward instead of sitting on my lazy ass and pushing it all aside.
Buuut this also has a flip-side. Basically since my first talk I have had an increased difficulty to focus on OTHER aspects of my life, such as -you guessed it- school!
I always said, and still say, that being trans is only a small portion of who I am (it is just an aspect of me, and has nothing to do with my personality), but right now this SMALL portion is taking up a BIG part of my brain.
Added to this is the fact that we got a new scedule with the start of the next period, which leaves room for a LOT less free time after school to do homework and such, and some other 'special days' in the scedule, I have a great difficulty getting 'into' the flow of work, this period. On a positive note, I find that my work is improving, and that I am generally more 'free' with experimenting than previous period. However I still find that I have a great difficulty focussing and finding the energy to put my heart and soul in it, like I WANT and SHOULD.
The dysphoria also has gotten worse since living more-or-less fully as a guy. It is quite ironic that at the same time I feel more at 'peace' more calm and happy on the inside, while I also feel more stressed, anxious and self-conscious about my body. Some days it's so bad I just want to retreat somewhere, be that my room, a toilet, or just a quiet corner, but often I can't. I have to 'hold myself together' and make sure that mask shows no cracks. I am able to do this, in fact I am not even sure if I could SHOW it, but it costs me a lot of energy nevertheless.
I spoke about this, and also the concern I had about having to miss classes for my visits to the VU, with my SLB'er (some sort of a mentor), and she was very supportive of me. She reassured me she understood the difficulties I was having, and it would not be a problem for my study at all. I am still worried, though, because I don't think the teachers would make an exception for me because all of this, and frankly... even if they would, I wouldn't WANT them to. It would make me feel 'sick' or 'pitiful', and all I want is be normal and live a life like anybody else, be treated just like anybody else.
I don't want to be 'special' or 'different' (okay, I am, just being an artist makes me 'different' already, but that is a fundamental part of me as a PERSON, being trans is not. It is as much a part of my PERSONALITY as having diabetes or asthma would be for someone else), in fact a part of me is even reluctant to talk about it because I'd feel I would be 'attention whoring' too much, being too much like 'SEE ME! I AM SO POOR! Oh nooo noo nooo! PITY MEEE', and the LAST thing I'd ever, ever want is to be pitied. On the other hand, all of it is bothering me and occupying me for a great deal right now, and writing it down, sharing it, talking about it, helps me deal with it better. It makes me feel like I am not carrying this stone alone anymore, but I carry it together with everybody who cares about me, making it a lot easier to lift.
Buuut move away from all this whining and negativity, I also have some good news!
First of all, I came out to my classmates (felt better towards them. They are great people and I thought they deserved to know), and they responded REALLY well! All of them were very supportive and even said things like "You're a boss" "Respect for being so brave to tell us" "You're an awesome dude!" and so forth. I am very happy I took the step to tell them!
Secondly, my parents, mainly my dad, are getting more understanding and respectful of the way I feel. I feel like I can talk more and more openly with them about it, which is great! My dad even called me "Erik" and "dude" a couple of times. I notice they still find it a weird thought to see me as a guy, but I suppose that's just normal, and I notice from lots of little cues they are truly trying to slowly start accepting me as their son.
And third, I am going to come out to one of my oldest and best friends next saturday (hope it goes well). I finally got over myself and decided she really had to know, so she'll be coming over to my place saturday morning. After that we will go on skiing holiday together (that is also a reason why I wanted to tell her SOON), and the week after we will meet up with the others from my high school friend group again, and I will tell them at that moment.
I notice I am becoming less fearful and more secure. I used to procrastinate things I was afraid of and found difficult, and I still do, but as of lately I am more and more often taking things into my own hands and just DOING what has to be done, which is truly an empowering feeling.
Even though some days I am all done with it, and I just feel terrible, there are still many great days behind and ahead of me. I am also very thankful for all of my great friends, of whom none have left me and truly proved to be as open-minded and accepting as I gauged them. Thank you!
vrijdag 7 november 2014
Second visit to the VU
Hey everybody!
As quite a few of you knew (at least those who follow my blog) I did have my second visit to the VU yesterday (thursday 6 november at 1 o clock). This would be the FIRST talk with the psych assigned to me, and whom will me guiding me through this process from start to finish, and also the start of the actual diagnostic process.
From now on I will have a talk there every once a month, and after SIX talks me and my psych wil re-evaluate whether I need more time/talks or wether I'm ready for the Real Life Phase (the point where I will start to live as a guy OFFICIALLY, change my legal documents, and get on hormones).
From that point it will still take many months for my body to change, it happens faster than a biomales puberty, but it's also not like you turn into an adult man overnight, LOL!
Anyway, me and my parents arrived at the genderteam, I was less nervous than at the intake but still a bit shaky. Everybody was REALLY nice to me and very respectful of my feelings and such (like asking whether I wanted to be called by another name right away), except for the woman at the desk whom I had to report myself to. She looked pretty grumpy, and found it necassery to repeat my birthname to me. But I don't have much contact with her anyway, so I don't really care.
I quite like my psych. She's really nice and respectful towards me. I'll yet have to get to know her properly, but so far I feel like I'll be able to get along with her fine.
I had a good talk with her, and I'm curious what the other visits will bring. Regarless of all this positivity I also left with a bit of a sour aftertaste though, this has to do with my health insurance.
Because I wasn't out to my parents yet last january I couldn't change my "personal risk" to a lower sum (it's a dutch insurance thing. I can explain some other time if many people want to know, lol), which basically means I will have to pay the first three meetings entirely, instead of have a part refunded by my insurance.
I thought the costs for one visit would be around the 100/120 euro mark, but now I have gotten signals it might be quite a bit higher, like MUCH higher, and that I'd actually have to pay a sum close to 860 euros for these first three talks, which is... well... rather much...
The people whom I asked this to did not know the exact costs either, so it could be less... I sure hope so. And otherwise... well, nothing to be changed. I don't feel like it'd be fair to ask of my parents to pay all of that, but I hope IF it truly is this much we can split the costs. I really don't want money to block or delay my transition and process, and as long as I CAN afford it, I will pay, even if that means no more holidays with friends, no more fantasy fairs, no more new stuff, but of course I hope there is no need for such drastic measures, and needless to say it definitely worries me a bit.
I also feel rather sad I have to miss school a bunch of times. In high school I'd be happy about this, LOL, but now I'd even try to go to school anyway, even on the VU-days. (I either have class at midday or morning, so technically I DO have enough time. And I REALLY don't want to miss classes if I don't have to. I will have to miss a lot with the surgeries in the next years already)
I also found it harder to focus on school a bit after the visit, gladly that went away as soon as I actually was back AT school, and I was all back into the rythem again. Sometimes you forget you're trans because of all the other important things in your life, and sometimes you forget you still have a life outside of being trans, which basically just is a small aspect of "you", because sometimes... it just FEELS so big.
But generally I am still happy that my diagnostics finally could have been started. And no pain no gain right? Hah. If money is all it costs me to become who I am, what does that even matter? As long as I have enough, I am happy.
Some people are so poor, that all they have is money. You need money to live, but you have to remember it is a TOOL, not a purpose or a means. Without something meaningful to spend it on, money basically is a worthless number on some website called your "bank account", it's the things you do with it that matter!
Have a good day everybody!
As quite a few of you knew (at least those who follow my blog) I did have my second visit to the VU yesterday (thursday 6 november at 1 o clock). This would be the FIRST talk with the psych assigned to me, and whom will me guiding me through this process from start to finish, and also the start of the actual diagnostic process.
From now on I will have a talk there every once a month, and after SIX talks me and my psych wil re-evaluate whether I need more time/talks or wether I'm ready for the Real Life Phase (the point where I will start to live as a guy OFFICIALLY, change my legal documents, and get on hormones).
From that point it will still take many months for my body to change, it happens faster than a biomales puberty, but it's also not like you turn into an adult man overnight, LOL!
Anyway, me and my parents arrived at the genderteam, I was less nervous than at the intake but still a bit shaky. Everybody was REALLY nice to me and very respectful of my feelings and such (like asking whether I wanted to be called by another name right away), except for the woman at the desk whom I had to report myself to. She looked pretty grumpy, and found it necassery to repeat my birthname to me. But I don't have much contact with her anyway, so I don't really care.
I quite like my psych. She's really nice and respectful towards me. I'll yet have to get to know her properly, but so far I feel like I'll be able to get along with her fine.
I had a good talk with her, and I'm curious what the other visits will bring. Regarless of all this positivity I also left with a bit of a sour aftertaste though, this has to do with my health insurance.
Because I wasn't out to my parents yet last january I couldn't change my "personal risk" to a lower sum (it's a dutch insurance thing. I can explain some other time if many people want to know, lol), which basically means I will have to pay the first three meetings entirely, instead of have a part refunded by my insurance.
I thought the costs for one visit would be around the 100/120 euro mark, but now I have gotten signals it might be quite a bit higher, like MUCH higher, and that I'd actually have to pay a sum close to 860 euros for these first three talks, which is... well... rather much...
The people whom I asked this to did not know the exact costs either, so it could be less... I sure hope so. And otherwise... well, nothing to be changed. I don't feel like it'd be fair to ask of my parents to pay all of that, but I hope IF it truly is this much we can split the costs. I really don't want money to block or delay my transition and process, and as long as I CAN afford it, I will pay, even if that means no more holidays with friends, no more fantasy fairs, no more new stuff, but of course I hope there is no need for such drastic measures, and needless to say it definitely worries me a bit.
I also feel rather sad I have to miss school a bunch of times. In high school I'd be happy about this, LOL, but now I'd even try to go to school anyway, even on the VU-days. (I either have class at midday or morning, so technically I DO have enough time. And I REALLY don't want to miss classes if I don't have to. I will have to miss a lot with the surgeries in the next years already)
I also found it harder to focus on school a bit after the visit, gladly that went away as soon as I actually was back AT school, and I was all back into the rythem again. Sometimes you forget you're trans because of all the other important things in your life, and sometimes you forget you still have a life outside of being trans, which basically just is a small aspect of "you", because sometimes... it just FEELS so big.
But generally I am still happy that my diagnostics finally could have been started. And no pain no gain right? Hah. If money is all it costs me to become who I am, what does that even matter? As long as I have enough, I am happy.
Some people are so poor, that all they have is money. You need money to live, but you have to remember it is a TOOL, not a purpose or a means. Without something meaningful to spend it on, money basically is a worthless number on some website called your "bank account", it's the things you do with it that matter!
Have a good day everybody!
Abonneren op:
Posts (Atom)