Harder to Focus

Hey there people, it has been quite a while since my last post again (because I hardly had any time :c). Today I want to talk about an issue I am having lately, PLUS some good news/updates! (so it's not only negative. Happy now?)

I am VERY very happy to finally have started my diagnostic process. Finally I can see the ending of this, finally I can foresee the good things coming up, finally I'm moving forward instead of sitting on my lazy ass and pushing it all aside.
Buuut this also has a flip-side. Basically since my first talk I have had an increased difficulty to focus on OTHER aspects of my life, such as -you guessed it- school!
I always said, and still say, that being trans is only a small portion of who I am (it is just an aspect of me, and has nothing to do with my personality), but right now this SMALL portion is taking up a BIG part of my brain.
Added to this is the fact that we got a new scedule with the start of the next period, which leaves room for a LOT less free time after school to do homework and such, and some other 'special days' in the scedule, I have a great difficulty getting 'into' the flow of work, this period. On a positive note, I find that my work is improving, and that I am generally more 'free' with experimenting than previous period. However I still find that I have a great difficulty focussing and finding the energy to put my heart and soul in it, like I WANT and SHOULD.
The dysphoria also has gotten worse since living more-or-less fully as a guy. It is quite ironic that at the same time I feel more at 'peace' more calm and happy on the inside, while I also feel more stressed, anxious and self-conscious about my body. Some days it's so bad I just want to retreat somewhere, be that my room, a toilet, or just a quiet corner, but often I can't. I have to 'hold myself together' and make sure that mask shows no cracks. I am able to do this, in fact I am not even sure if I could SHOW it, but it costs me a lot of energy nevertheless.
I spoke about this, and also the concern I had about having to miss classes for my visits to the VU, with my SLB'er (some sort of a mentor), and she was very supportive of me. She reassured me she understood the difficulties I was having, and it would not be a problem for my study at all. I am still worried, though, because I don't think the teachers would make an exception for me because all of this, and frankly... even if they would, I wouldn't WANT them to. It would make me feel 'sick' or 'pitiful', and all I want is be normal and live a life like anybody else, be treated just like anybody else.
I don't want to be 'special' or 'different' (okay, I am, just being an artist makes me 'different' already, but that is a fundamental part of me as a PERSON, being trans is not. It is as much a part of my PERSONALITY as having diabetes or asthma would be for someone else), in fact a part of me is even reluctant to talk about it because I'd feel I would be 'attention whoring' too much, being too much like 'SEE ME! I AM SO POOR! Oh nooo noo nooo! PITY MEEE', and the LAST thing I'd ever, ever want is to be pitied. On the other hand, all of it is bothering me and occupying me for a great deal right now, and writing it down, sharing it, talking about it, helps me deal with it better. It makes me feel like I am not carrying this stone alone anymore, but I carry it together with everybody who cares about me, making it a lot easier to lift.

Buuut move away from all this whining and negativity, I also have some good news! 
First of all, I came out to my classmates (felt better towards them. They are great people and I thought they deserved to know), and they responded REALLY well! All of them were very supportive and even said things like "You're a boss" "Respect for being so brave to tell us" "You're an awesome dude!" and so forth. I am very happy I took the step to tell them!

Secondly, my parents, mainly my dad, are getting more understanding and respectful of the way I feel. I feel like I can talk more and more openly with them about it, which is great! My dad even called me "Erik" and "dude" a couple of times. I notice they still find it a weird thought to see me as a guy, but I suppose that's just normal, and I notice from lots of little cues they are truly trying to slowly start accepting me as their son.

And third, I am going to come out to one of my oldest and best friends next saturday (hope it goes well). I finally got over myself and decided she really had to know, so she'll be coming over to my place saturday morning. After that we will go on skiing holiday together (that is also a reason why I wanted to tell her SOON), and the week after we will meet up with the others from my high school friend group again, and I will tell them at that moment.

I notice I am becoming less fearful and more secure. I used to procrastinate things I was afraid of and found difficult, and I still do, but as of lately I am more and more often taking things into my own hands and just DOING what has to be done, which is truly an empowering feeling.
Even though some days I am all done with it, and I just feel terrible, there are still many great days behind and ahead of me. I am also very thankful for all of my great friends, of whom none have left me and truly proved to be as open-minded and accepting as I gauged them. Thank you!