3 months on T (+ 3 month check up)

It has been ages since I've written a new blog post (well, three months to be precise), and I figured today would be a good day to do so. I know I technically said I'd update every month... but I'm a lazy fucker, lol. (I DID however, make a photo and voice recording every month, so eventually I'll be able to make a neat month-to-month transition timeline)

Anyway, right now I'm three months (and two days) on T, and the changes are coming along way better than I expected or even hoped in the beginning. Talking about changes, shots, experiences... I'll get into that right now!

First of all, my shot adventure *drummroll*

I let my GP do my second shot, and did my third shot myself with the GP present. Both times went just PER-FECT. No hitch, no issues, nothing. Not even a bit of pain.
I felt so proud I did it so well and felt it was no big deal whatsoever. I was even kinda excited to do my fourth shot, entirely on my own this time.
However, I forgot how to get all the hormones to the bottom of the vial (often a bubble forms in the top part of the vial (I use a single-dose vial, like one of these).

In attempt to get everything out, I flicked the top part with my finger, like you do with your syringe to get the bubbles out. Big mistake...! (I know you have to 'fling' the vial a bit now) It didn't work at all... and the vial just went: "SNAP!" and flew all the way through my room.
I just kinda freaked out when this happened, cause, doh... all my hormones! I don't want to lose even a bit of my aaah-maah-zing hormones, YO!
When I checked, I just lost 0,1 ml (still 10 friggin %...), and figured it was good enough to do my shot anyway, rather than get a new vial and waste the entire rest of the one I had just opened. I was kinda shaky now, because of what just happened, but my shot went fine for the rest of it.
My fifth shot I figured out how to get the bubble out correctly, and I prepared my syringe without a single hitch, but when I actually stuck the needle in my leg... I guess I must have been too tense, or maybe hit a nerve or something... since my leg muscle just TWITCHED suddenly. Like a spasm.
It really didn't feel good, but the needle was already in my leg, and I really didn't feel like aborting my shot in the midst of it, so I just finished it up, though again kinda shaky, and feeling like: "I want this needle OUT OF MY LEG RIGHT NOW!" in the rush, I even forgot the last bit (again lost 0,1 ml. OHNUU), and afterwards my leg hurt like crazy.
I thought I was ready for my sixth shot though, because even though I was pretty nervous this time, I now knew EXACTLY what to do and how to do it. Previous two times I thought "Ah easy man, I got this" and might have rushed on some bits, resulting in some mistakes. But even though I was now even better prepared than ever... I just couldn't do it anymore. I was just... stuck.
I sat there for about half an hour with my syringe all prepped and ready right above my leg. I tried counting, music, relaxation techniques, but nothing helped. Whenever I was about to actually DO my shot, my entire brain just went "NONONONONONONONO!!!" and I simply couldn't get myself to do it.
In a hurry I went to the GP, prepped syringe in hand (like a druggie, yo!), and she just really quickly did it for me.
For my seventh shot I again made an appointment with the GP, "just in case", and my thought was I'd probably be totally ok about it again when someone knowledgeable would sit next to me, and I'd just do that one or two times, and then go back to doing it myself. But this time AGAIN... anxiety hit me, and I couldn't get myself to do it, even with her next to me. I just felt my stomach clench up at the thought of sticking that needle into myself, whereas the first three times I felt ZERO fear whatsoever.
I think this is both because the first few times I was just TOO excited that I was getting hormones to even feel the fear, and because of those two times (especially the last) it went a bit wobbly.
I now agreed with my GP that she will do it three more times, and I should just let it go alltogether for that time. Not think about doing it myself at all. And hopefully disconnect that feeling of anxiety from getting my shot that way, and be able to do it myself again. Because you have to take sustanon (the 'brand' of T I use) every two weeks I really want to be able to do my own shots again... since going to the GP on a weekday every 2 weeks is really... quite a nuisance in my schedule.

So yeah, that's what happened with each shot (yeah I know, so exciting, lol. But I just try to share as much of my personal experiences. If you aren't interested, just scan over it or don't read it at all)
Now on to the more exciting part... the changes!

Week 1-4: 
Not much of a change at all. Just mainly feeling more at ease and more confident. Like a giant weight just fell off my shoulders. But that's not the effect of the T itself. My shark week stopped INSTANTLY from the start of T. I got some cramps in my lower abdomen sometimes AS IF I were getting shark week... but not a single drop.
Voice: 1 week on T/pre-T
           4 weeks on T (first noticeable change!)


Week 4-1 month:
First moment my voice started changing noticeably for me. The first drop happened quite sudden, and from there on it kept on dropping more gradual (at least in my own experience). Some increase in libido and downstairs growth. I also started getting sudden muscle cramps around 3-6 weeks on T. Like, I would just have to tense my muscles a bit, and they would just clench up suddenly. This went away after a month or so.
 Voice: 1 month on T


2 months:
Voice dropped even more and becomes less 'cracky' and unstable. Feel like I'm getting a bit stronger and having better stamina. (But then another day I'm still wheezing and huffing exhausted like ever. So I dunno if that's even really happening) Very slight increase in hair growth (but only very slightly). Skin getting rougher and oilier. I find it super awkward to show my ID right now, since it's not yet changed (even more awkward than before), since people generally see me as a guy now, and are pretty taken aback when they see my ID. I just want to yell at them "YOU GOT IT RIGHT! Don't look at that shit! That aint correct! I'm a guy! Don't think I'm some chainsmoking uber manly butch lesbian who will break your balls or something, please."
 Voice: 2 months on T

3 months:
I didn't hear much difference in my voice this time, so maybe it's settled for the time being already (but wow... that would be really quick!), but it sounds fully masculine, so that's just AWESOME! My skin, especially on my forehead, is pretty itchy and flaky sometimes now. I also notice I can get frustrated/annoyed a bit more easily. Not really like >ANGRY< but this "Urgh... grrr!" feeling. Especially when I'm under pressure I can get quite prickly sometimes. And I just pass almost ALL the time now! Just, wow... I never expected that to happen so soon. People who I just meet recently actually tell me "If I wouldn't have known, there's no way I would have suspected it". The only thing is that people generally age me around 16 to 18, while I am actually 20. When I tell people I'm 20, I sometimes get looks of surprise, but a joke like "Yeah, I know I have a babyface. I'm just FOREVER YOUNG baby!" usually takes the awkwardness out of the situation.
I don't even feel like my face and body changed that much, but my psych at the VU told me she saw clear differences, and that while I was andro/ambigious at first, I totally read as a guy to her now. It's really funny and kinda amazing how SUCH tiny changes in one's appearance can change the way we perceive someone.
Voice: 3 months on T

Below, a small "timeline" of my face. Forgive my kinda grumpy expression, this is just my resting bitchface. I was simply trying to have as little expression on my face as possible, to make comparison easier.
I tried to take the photo in the same way, same lightning, etc. each time, but yeah, that's trickier than it sounds. Anyway, I will keep up with this timeline over the following months to document my face changes.

And now... on to the last bit of this rather giganormous blog update (I have something to make up for after three months of silence, eh?)... the 3 month check up

 So, first I had to get an ultrasound taken from my biological organs, just to be sure everything is OK inside me.
I was really nervous about this, as well, doh, I would have to go the the gynaecology waiting room and all, share it with mainly pregnant women, to have my friggin UTERUS checked. A thing which I'm not even supposed to have.
As I walked towards the waiting room, some doors of the doctor's rooms where open, and through them I saw things that appeared like torture devices to me. Like... these awkward "special" chairs to put your feet in, metal tools to check inside someone's... well... you get where this is going.
I indeed shared it with mostly pregnant women, and had to wait fifteen minutes longer than expected. This was really an awkward and rather nerve-wrecking moment. But the doctor called me with "Mr Kohler", and was really chill about everything (apparently she knew she was going to see a trans patient, since she didn't even give me a weird look or anything, which really helped).
She was pretty relaxed and used the correct pronouns and everything, even though she was discussing reproductive organs most commonly seen in women, and because of this the ultrasound itself wasn't half as bad as I expected it to be. Only thing I regret right now is not taking a quick picture with my phone of the prints of the ultrasound she gave me. I mean... it might be my uterus, but it's also still MY uterus (for the time being) and this might be the first and last time I ever get to see it. And besides that, having a picture of your insides is just... plain cool! (or is that just me?)

After the ultrasound I went upstairs for the endo check up. I had to wait quite a long time. She just repeated the same measurements and tests as she did the first time, (blood pressure, strength, weight, circumference of several areas on my body) and asked me a couple questions on how I was doing, what changes I was experiencing etc.
It appears my entire body shape is gradually changing to a more masculine form (yay!). I didn't even notice the shape of my body itself was changing already, but it simply happens so gradually you don't really notice much... until you look back later. One downside was that apparently I put on 7 kg of weight. Some of that might be muscle, but I doubt all of it is... I hope this won't continue down the wrong direction (Idunwannabefat! :c).

After that, I had to fill in some more questionnaires (if you're just starting your trajectory at the VUMC... get used to them bro (or sis)), had a talk with my psych and had to get some blood drawn.
Not very interesting or anything. It took way longer than I expected though. I hoped to be back home 'round 1 or 2, but it got way later...
Well, at least I'll just have to go on check ups every 3 months now, rather than every month, and next time will just be a talk with the endo and my psych, rather than all the tests and such.

On a side note, I also got my birth certificate changed today. WHOOP! I hope I'll get my new ID somewhere next week or so. I can't wait!  

Well, that's it for now. I hope you at least slightly enjoyed to read my ramblings. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me. Or if you feel like my blog would help someone (another transperson, perhaps? Or someone having a transperson in their lives, seeking to understand what we go through better), feel free to share it with them.

Endo appointment and FIRST T SHOT!

AAAAWH YEAAAH BITCHES! It is finally real. I AM ON T! As of today.
I feel so psyched about it! I can't even believe I am actually on T already. Somebody, slap me. Is this a dream or something?
I'm sure the excitement will wear off after a few days, lol, but right now I just feel GREAT! My second puberty is beginning... RIGHT NOW.

Anyway, I'll tell you what happened today. I was at the VU for quite a while because of all the insane queues. I think I waited at the apothecary with my receipt for like 45 minutes or so!

At first I got a lot of questionnaires, not such a big deal. Though some questions were tricky, I just try not to over-think them, and answer whatever first comes to mind.
After that the endo picked me up from the waiting room, she and a guy talked me through some more info on hormones, asked me which type I wanted, and measured my blood pressure. After that one of them took my measurements (around my waist, hips, chest and shoulders I think. I haven't exactly paid that much attention). I had to take off my binder, which kinda sucked, but my psych warned me for this. I was already glad I could keep my underwear on, and it was over pretty quickly.
They gave me a whole bunch of forms to drop off at the reception, my receipt for the T, and a paper for a blood examination.
First I went to the blood post, waited for about 20 minutes, and got like six tubes of blood drawn. I thought it might hurt... but I felt practically nothing, lol. Pretty weird to see quite some blood come out of your arm, while it hurts less than a needleprick. (Everyone who is scared about it, don't be. If you'd close your eyes you wouldn't even know when the needle is in)
After that I went down to the apothecary to "quickly" pick up my T. At least, that's what I thought, HAH! Jesus! The line was enormous, lol. I don't know exactly for how long I waited, but it felt like hours. (though I guess 45 mins is more accurate, haha)
Once I got that long desired package, I went back to the genderteam and one of the people injected it for me right there. I can't say I wasn't nervous, lol. Just the thought of FINALLY getting T, and also getting quite a big needle shoved into my leg. But though it hurt more than my blood getting drawn (and also feels a bit sore after, but nothing bad), I was quite pleasantly surprised that it wasn't that bad at all. Quite anti-climactic actually, haha. Like "Was that it!?"

I have been in a pretty damn awesome mood for the rest of the day, but I'm SURE that's just a placebo effect, hahaha. Though the temptation exists to check if my beard is already growing, I know it doesn't work that way, lol, so all I can do now is just take my shots every 2 weeks, sit back... and let the T do it's job!
Curious when I'll start to notice changes (physical or emotional), think that'll take a couple months... but if something memorable happens in one month I'll sure make another blog post. Promise! ;)
It still feels surreal... somehow I still feel like tomorrow I'll wake up and discover it all was nothing but a very nice dream, or they just injected me with water or something, LOL. But it's real... it definitely is very real!

Have a great day everybody! :) (Have an A1-day!)

Green light and DEXA scan

Sooo folks... I'm back!
I know I haven't written for a long time. That's because there was a three-month gap in my VU visits, and also because I've been pretty busy with school (and being a totally crazy Breaking Bad fan... ok, ok, sorry, I'll try to stop about that show. But just sayin'... if you want to talk about it with me, I'm ALWAYS up for a BrBa discussion! :P). Had some hard moments, but I'm very glad to say I PASSED this school year!

Anyway, I just got my Green Light this monday! I'm so happy and relieved. Even though I never really doubted they'd let me through... it still takes a big weight of my shoulders. I'm through. I don't need to explain myself or "prove" that I am who I am to anyone anymore.
My psych said it was pretty damn clear with me, and they let me through without any doubt. Yeah, thanks for acknowledging what I already knew! Lol.
At first she couldn't give me a date for the endo appointment, and said I'd have to wait till I would get a call... which could be within a week, or a month, or more. She didn't know. But eventually she put on her nicest face, and asked the receptionist whether they could set me up for an appointment already. (I didn't even ask her to do that! So nice!) They agreed, and now thanks to my awesome psych I can already go to the endo at the 27th of June, and have already had the DEXA bone scan yesterday. (yeah, they really check everything, lol)
I almost feel like I don't deserve all this luck. Because, Jesus... I've had some!

The bone scan was done pretty quickly. Just like... 15 minutes or so. I felt pretty odd, lying under a scanner like that. Just the thought they were sending x-rays all the way through my body and could see my... insides, without me feeling a thing. I know how it works, and I've had x-ray scans of just my back area when I was younger, because my spine is a bit... odd, lol. But still, it amazes me. We can fucking see through people with machines, but not stop a war!? Humanity is weird...
I wonder if I can get a printed image of my own skeleton if I'd ask...! Is that a weird thing to want? I'm just curious what I look like on the inside, haha.
If I'd ever get a brain scan I sure know I'd want an image of my brain too. I mean, seriously, isn't that just cool? How often do you get that chance!? (okay, and a bit creepy, I admit)

I can hardly believe I will probably already get T the 27th of June! (my psych said there was a chance I'd need another appointment, and actually seemed to imply that is a common thing, but so far everyone else I spoke to said they got the hormones right on that day, so now I'm not sure what to believe anymore)
I'm so happy and excited, and I admit, also a bit nervous. I never had myself be tested medically like this before, and I never really liked visiting a doctor, so it's all very new for me. But my desire to be at peace with my body and become myself is greater than the anxiety I have for doctors, calling, operations... all of it.

And last monday, I just got one more step closer to that goal!

Fifth and sixth VU talk. LAST DIAGNOSTIC TALK! Whoop! :D

Yes, yes, I know I'm a slacker. I'm sorry folks. I just feel too busy, lazy and not motivated enough to write lately, but since I just had my LAST talk I feel like I HAVE to.
I will also shortly go over the fifth talk in this post.

Fifth talk
This was the talk after the psychological test. My psych discussed the results with me, which weren't very exciting. Basically she said I am mentally healthy, not delusional, and most likely don't have ADHD or autism (unlike what I expected).
Of course this is just a basic and rather short test and cannot signify as an actual diagnosis or 'proof', but they didn't feel like they had to investigate it 
Basically the only thing which came out was that I clearly have gender dysphoria and feel bad about the female attributes of my body. (wow, no shit!)
Appearantly some people were asked to draw some things, and my psych was rather disappointed they didn't ask me, out if all people, since I'm in art academy. I also thought that was quite a shame, as it would have been fun, haha.
For the rest we discussed the last bit of my life story, and I felt like she really understood me and what went through me throughout my life.
I left with a positive feeling, and the more time progresses, the happier I am with the psych switch which happened earlier.

Sixth talk
I knew we would be discussing 'sexuality' this time (whoo-hoo), which also went rather well. I will not share everything we discussed because that would be awkward and weird, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. We also went into a bit more depth on my current wishes regarding operations (a bit early, since the first one will take more than a year from starting T, but I get they want to have an indication early on), and if I have a child wish and if I would want a biological kid. (yeah, of course. But going through pregnancy or egg cell harvest isn't worth it for me)
She said I was well informed and had done good research and thought over everything very well, which she saw as a positive thing.
Then after this she closed her notebook and said we had discussed everything and wanted to wrap it up and scedule me for being discussed with the team. I was pleasantly surprised by this, as I expected there to be one more talk.
Sadly the news if I have green light or not will have to wait till 8th of June. At that same day I have my next appointment with my psych, and then she will personally deliver me the news and plan an appointment with the endocrinologist.
She couldn't tell me how long it would take till I would get T, though she claimed it would be highly unlikely to get it right after the endo appointment, and said the first appointment was just a basic intake and there would be more tests after.
I was kinda dissappointed by this, but other trangsuys I spoke with said they got T right after the first appointment, before the blood tests and DEXA scan. I really hope this will be the case with me as well, as otherwise I fear it might take many more months... (and you might say that's easy, but it's even harder to wait when you are SO close!)

But yeah, nevertheless, pretty exciting news! I'm getting closer and closer... it almost feels surreal. I definitely know it will feel surreal when I get my first shot.

Fifth VU visit (fourth talk) and the Pychological test

Hey guys (and gals. Not forgetting you, hey!). First of all, sorry for not keeping up with my updates well. It has just been rather busy, and I kept lacking the motivation to write, so now I'll also go over the fifth visit/fourth talk in this post, even though that was about half a month ago.

Also a small update: I came out to all my remaining family members (for those who didn't know yet), and all of them responded very well. I never expected my family to be SO supportive. Sure, I thought they'd be 'fine' with it, but possibly also a bit taken aback or bewildered. The contrary was true. Quite some of my family members already knew much more about transgenderism than I anticipated, and all of them right away tried to call me Erik and him (though often failing, but this is more than I could ever hope for!), and I even got a shaving razor (can't get 'em soon enough, eh? :P) and a juice and tea glass with my name (the right one!) on it!
All this time I was afraid of rejection... but actually all I got was even more support than ever. Wow. 

Fourth talk
This time the talk was mostly with my parents. They really want to speak to either a parent, sibling, or really close friend (from when you were still young) to figure out better what kind of person you were as a kid, and -presumably, even though they don't say it- to double check your own story.
I brought both my parentss with me, as they are both supportive and I felt like it would be a bad thing to 'choose sides'.
My mom was a bit hazy, as usual, and kept dragging in irrelevant details, also as usual. But she did show her support, and even though she was annoyed by my dad (rightfully) interrupting her (if not we'd still be talking NOW), I think this was better than leaving her behind in the waiting room. My dad did most of the talking, as my mom is VERY bad in coming to the point of things she wants to tell.
They backed up my story at several points, even though I hadn't told them what I told my psych. Good, that means my memory isn't playing tricks on me or something, haha. They also showed their support and understanding, which I am very grateful of.
In the end, I think it went well, and they left a good impression on my psych as a supportive family (which they are).
I also notice my parents, especially my dad, becoming more understanding. My mom still finds it difficult to let go of the image she has in her mind of her 'daughter', but I clearly see she's trying and willing to change, so I think that'll be fine too eventually.

It's also weird to imagine this is just the second talk with my 'new' psych, but I feel like I've had her for ages, and we discussed a whole lot already as compared to my previous psych. Even though I might get a month delay due to all of this, I am VERY glad I decided to swap.

Psychological test
And now the part which happened today: the test! 
This test was taken by another person, and not my regular psych, and consisted of nothing more than a WHOLE LOT of questionnaires with questions ranging from deeply serious to... well... plain crazy.
Let me list a few... just for the lols.

• "Do you think other people can influence your mind and thoughts?" Think this one has been asked about a thousand (ok, I'm exaggerating) times just in different ways. Just HOW sure do they want to know I DO NOT think other people can influence, read, change, channel, whatever, my thoughts? Lol
• "Do you think all of humanity is plotting against you?"  YE-... I mean NO! I wouldn't tell you that sssstupid humansssesss, cause you're in the plot too! (To steal my preciousss)
• "Do you believe you have magical powers?" Does WISHING you have them count? (or acting you do in a roleplay situation? :P)
• "Did you ever force someone to have sexual activity with you?" Uh what... and I would really tell you that if I were a sexual molester? Are they seriously THAT dumb? Next question "Did you murder someone?" xd

Lots of questions about fears, anxieties, self harm, depression, yadda yadda yadda. The usual stuff. Also lot's of logical questions like "When you felt depressed, did it intervene with your ability to enjoy life, hobbies and social interaction?" (DOH, of course) And "Did you dream in the last 12 months?" Is there anyone who DOES NOT dream for an entire 12 months? Anyone? Raise hands please!
But yeah, actually it was rather funny at some points, and I even had a laugh with the guy taking the tests a couple times about how silly some questions were. Basically the only ones I could answer positively to were the questionnaires regarding gender, and I presume one that was about autism? I definitely couldn't tick all of the boxes there, and mostly was more in the middle, but I suppose that one will tell I MIGHT have a mild form of autism. Well, I already knew that. I don't care whether I do or not, as it doesn't hinder me in my daily life. One extra label won't make me a happier person.
In fact, I have been tested for autism, and when that showed I had/might have a mild form of Aspergers I actually starting behaving MORE autistically to subconsciously 'fit the label'. So no, it won't help me.

It's weird to imagine my next visit to the VU will already be in a week. Wait... WHAT? A WEEK? Holy cow! :') I didn't even realise it was THAT close already.

I had to move the sixth talk a week due a trip to Berlin, and I was pretty torn up about that at first, as it MIGHT be my last talk. But given the fact that would just be the fourth talk with my current psych I give it VERY low chances for it being the last. I currently have my last talk planned May the 7th, and I hope after that I can soon get green light and hormones. I have heard the wait can vary from 1 month to 4 months (in extreme cases) though. I hope I won't need to wait that long and can get T (=Testo) by summer... but we'll see. You never know with the VU...

Fourth VU visit, and general update

Some of you might have wondered what too me so long this time. Since it is more than a month ago since my last VU-update (and most of you probably didn't even notice...)

So first of all, an update on what happened at the beginning of the new year for those who don't follow me on Facebook.
Well, summarized: at first all my teachers at school fell ill and all the tests were moved to the same day I had to go to the VU, second, my psych fell ill, appointment cancelled and postponed three weeks, and third, I found out my insurance wouldn't cover all of my transition because I had a wrong type. Especially the last issue really made me freak out big time, so badly I hardly slept one night. Long story short: because I was insanely lucky I could still get my insurance changed, but a little bit less luck... and my transition this year would have been history, or at least would have made me VERY poor.
I'm so glad all is solved though.

Three weeks passed, and here I am. My fourth visit!
Because my psych fell ill I was assigned to a new one, so I didn't know my psych this time, and was also kinda worried she'd want to redo everything.
Glady she turned out to be a very nice woman, and though she said the switch might cause a little bit of a delay, she reassured me she wouldn't start entirely over and would try to build onto what my previous psych did as much as possible. In fact, I even like her better than my previous psych, and she seemed rather slow sometimes, and at times appeared to have forgotten what she should say. I felt like my new psych is a lot more organised and efficient, and she asks me a lot more questions.

This time I felt like we actually discussed SOMETHING for the first time! We went through my life story and we spoke about certain things I had written down in regards of my general growth and life, but also gender and how I related to that. Whereas last time we had just discussed a bit about my parents, which could have been much more if my (old) psych didn't so many more than a minute long breaks in her talking.
We didn't manage to discuss my entire life story yet, but most of it at least, and I felt that she really understood the things I went through (also not only on the subject of gender) quite well. Some bits where difficult to explain, or exhausting, but at least I feel like we GOT somewhere this time!

Next talk will also be together with my parents. I am a bit anxious about it, but I'm pretty sure it will be fine. They are accepting of me and I have a good relationship with them.
Then (that same day) me and my psych will also finish discussing the rest of my life story, after that she said we'll discuss sexuality, child wish, etc. in depth (that's going to be reaaaally awkward xd but I understand it is necassery), and then... psychological test, and hopefully the last talk.
Only time can tell. 

Holiday Contemplations

Hello everybody,
I have just been on wintersport for a week in France. Nothing beats the feeling of sun, snow, and speed in the mountains, and I truly enjoyed it very much, but there also was a dark side to it all.
I went together with an old friend (who knows, and accepts all of this), and her parents (who don't know).
I wanted to tell them (her parents) as soon as possible, but I chickened out (not the first time). And besides, even if they had known they definitely wouldn't have started to address me as a guy right away, especially since I know them since I'm a little kid...
So yeah, bottom line is, I had to deal with -fully- being a girl again for a week. I can sort of deal with my birthname and "she", as that is simply how they know me. If I had introduced myself as "Jabberjocker Turdbottom" they'd call me that, and in LARP I always play a role and get called another name than my real name, I can handle that in a factual "they don't know me differently" manner. The REAL hard part comes when they reffer to me and my friend as "ladies", or say stuff as "Yeah, but that's because you are a girl." or "Yeah, that's a typical girl thing!" etc.
My friend's mom also wanted me to shower each day, which is kinda understandable, since skiing all day makes you sweat and smell like crazy, but having to confront myself with my naked body every single day is quite difficult.

However, from start I decided I wouldn't make any sacrificies regarding my masculine appearance. I initially skied with my old mom's skiing pants, which were fine last year, but now they made me feel VERY uncomfortable. Gladly my friend's mom had an extra pair of straight-fit skiing pants with her which I could wear (I told her my mom's pants were too tight and uncomfortable), which made me feel MUCH better.
I also tried very much to postpone toilet visits till our appartement or don't go together with the others, so I could go to the men's loo. This worked almost all the time, and I just went to the men's all the time except twice, when I basically couldn't get around it.
Actually this whole 'being a "girl" for a week again' also gave me valuable insights, as even though I feel so much more mentally at PEACE now, I couldn't help but wonder whether it was 'just' because I had gotten more confident and am now following my passion and all (art academy). This week I experienced extreme unease when confronted with my biological sex, and felt less awkward and stared-at in the men's than the women's toilets (though it probably is about even, as I am not being yelled at or called out in either toilet, but receive a few stares/glances... in either toilet), I just felt even more clearly that transition is the right thing to do, and I just cannot "go back" to being a "normal girl".
I also realized HOW MUCH my parents have already progressed, and how accepted I feel by them compared to others. 

It also wasn't all dysphoria and negativity. In general I had a very nice holiday with lots of fun times to look back upon with a smile (my old friend also changed my name in her phone to Erik and doesn't reffer to me as a 'lady' or a 'girl' anymore!), and for me nothing beats the feeling of soaring down white mountains, wind in my hair, sun on my face, adrenaline in my veins.
To me, skiing is almost like meditation, like a zen state of mind. When I ski I am completely at peace. I feel no fear, I feel no anger, I feel no sadness. A serene pool of calmth and focus.There is no past, there is no future, just the NOW.

And all that remains is me, and the mountain.

Third VU visit

Hey there folks!
Today I had my third visit to the VU (my second psych talk, out of a minimum of 6). Sadly it was quite an... anti-climax. We basically just spoke about my home situation, my experiences at school, etc. and nothing about gender and my relation to that at all. She (my psych) said she first wanted to form a clear image of me, my life, my past and current situation, which I understand, but yet it feels like no step forward.
Each talk is just 45 minutes long, once a month, and it just feels like... SO LITTLE. Each time (so far) I come home feeling like "Was that it?". I just wish we could talk for double that time or something, because it just feels so damn short! Now I also get why you need at least six talks though, because they are so short and far apart you'd otherwise not have discussed everything.
Each time afterwards I just want to continue, but then am taken out of it again and have to wait another month. Distracting, and annoying. >_<
Anyway, she also said she found I could describe everything (in this case reffering to my life story and answers I gave to her questions, which were not gender related at all) very well and very clearly. She also said my life story was very clear and well written, so I'm glad to hear that.
Actually I had quite a good talk with her, but I was rather shocked when she said time was up, and I was like "Butbutbut... we just sat down here!" "Yeah, that was 45 minutes ago." "WOWHOLYJEZUSWHYDIDITGOSOFASTISTILLWANTEDTODISCCUSSTUFF!" (okay I did not really say that, haha) I felt like getting fired up, and catching speed, when she announced the end, so that was kinda... meh. Disappointing. (though also expected...)
My psych is rather nice though, the only thing which I kinda dislike about her is that she's quite a slow talker, and also tends to dwell on rather unimportant things a lot sometimes, and tends to repeat things when it's not necassery, but it could be much worse. At least I feel like she's genuinely interested in what I'm saying!

She said we'd talk about the gender things next time, sooo I hope we can finally discuss some stuff that MATTERS then, lol.
I also hope my new scedule (after christmas break) will be configured in such a way I don't need to miss too much classes, but only time can tell.

Alsooo, some other news! People who follow me on Facebook already know, so for many of you it won't be much 'news', but I FINALLY came out to one of my old high school friends, and she took it quite well. She said she was actually expecting it for a long time, but found it difficult to call me another name (well, as long as she WILL see me as a guy eventually I'm happy...).

Anyway, that's it for today! See you soon, and thanks for reading!

Harder to Focus

Hey there people, it has been quite a while since my last post again (because I hardly had any time :c). Today I want to talk about an issue I am having lately, PLUS some good news/updates! (so it's not only negative. Happy now?)

I am VERY very happy to finally have started my diagnostic process. Finally I can see the ending of this, finally I can foresee the good things coming up, finally I'm moving forward instead of sitting on my lazy ass and pushing it all aside.
Buuut this also has a flip-side. Basically since my first talk I have had an increased difficulty to focus on OTHER aspects of my life, such as -you guessed it- school!
I always said, and still say, that being trans is only a small portion of who I am (it is just an aspect of me, and has nothing to do with my personality), but right now this SMALL portion is taking up a BIG part of my brain.
Added to this is the fact that we got a new scedule with the start of the next period, which leaves room for a LOT less free time after school to do homework and such, and some other 'special days' in the scedule, I have a great difficulty getting 'into' the flow of work, this period. On a positive note, I find that my work is improving, and that I am generally more 'free' with experimenting than previous period. However I still find that I have a great difficulty focussing and finding the energy to put my heart and soul in it, like I WANT and SHOULD.
The dysphoria also has gotten worse since living more-or-less fully as a guy. It is quite ironic that at the same time I feel more at 'peace' more calm and happy on the inside, while I also feel more stressed, anxious and self-conscious about my body. Some days it's so bad I just want to retreat somewhere, be that my room, a toilet, or just a quiet corner, but often I can't. I have to 'hold myself together' and make sure that mask shows no cracks. I am able to do this, in fact I am not even sure if I could SHOW it, but it costs me a lot of energy nevertheless.
I spoke about this, and also the concern I had about having to miss classes for my visits to the VU, with my SLB'er (some sort of a mentor), and she was very supportive of me. She reassured me she understood the difficulties I was having, and it would not be a problem for my study at all. I am still worried, though, because I don't think the teachers would make an exception for me because all of this, and frankly... even if they would, I wouldn't WANT them to. It would make me feel 'sick' or 'pitiful', and all I want is be normal and live a life like anybody else, be treated just like anybody else.
I don't want to be 'special' or 'different' (okay, I am, just being an artist makes me 'different' already, but that is a fundamental part of me as a PERSON, being trans is not. It is as much a part of my PERSONALITY as having diabetes or asthma would be for someone else), in fact a part of me is even reluctant to talk about it because I'd feel I would be 'attention whoring' too much, being too much like 'SEE ME! I AM SO POOR! Oh nooo noo nooo! PITY MEEE', and the LAST thing I'd ever, ever want is to be pitied. On the other hand, all of it is bothering me and occupying me for a great deal right now, and writing it down, sharing it, talking about it, helps me deal with it better. It makes me feel like I am not carrying this stone alone anymore, but I carry it together with everybody who cares about me, making it a lot easier to lift.

Buuut move away from all this whining and negativity, I also have some good news! 
First of all, I came out to my classmates (felt better towards them. They are great people and I thought they deserved to know), and they responded REALLY well! All of them were very supportive and even said things like "You're a boss" "Respect for being so brave to tell us" "You're an awesome dude!" and so forth. I am very happy I took the step to tell them!

Secondly, my parents, mainly my dad, are getting more understanding and respectful of the way I feel. I feel like I can talk more and more openly with them about it, which is great! My dad even called me "Erik" and "dude" a couple of times. I notice they still find it a weird thought to see me as a guy, but I suppose that's just normal, and I notice from lots of little cues they are truly trying to slowly start accepting me as their son.

And third, I am going to come out to one of my oldest and best friends next saturday (hope it goes well). I finally got over myself and decided she really had to know, so she'll be coming over to my place saturday morning. After that we will go on skiing holiday together (that is also a reason why I wanted to tell her SOON), and the week after we will meet up with the others from my high school friend group again, and I will tell them at that moment.

I notice I am becoming less fearful and more secure. I used to procrastinate things I was afraid of and found difficult, and I still do, but as of lately I am more and more often taking things into my own hands and just DOING what has to be done, which is truly an empowering feeling.
Even though some days I am all done with it, and I just feel terrible, there are still many great days behind and ahead of me. I am also very thankful for all of my great friends, of whom none have left me and truly proved to be as open-minded and accepting as I gauged them. Thank you!

Second visit to the VU

Hey everybody!
As quite a few of you knew (at least those who follow my blog) I did have my second visit to the VU yesterday (thursday 6 november at 1 o clock). This would be the FIRST talk with the psych assigned to me, and whom will me guiding me through this process from start to finish, and also the start of the actual diagnostic process.
From now on I will have a talk there every once a month, and after SIX talks me and my psych wil re-evaluate whether I need more time/talks or wether I'm ready for the Real Life Phase (the point where I will start to live as a guy OFFICIALLY, change my legal documents, and get on hormones).
From that point it will still take many months for my body to change, it happens faster than a biomales puberty, but it's also not like you turn into an adult man overnight, LOL!

Anyway, me and my parents arrived at the genderteam, I was less nervous than at the intake but still a bit shaky. Everybody was REALLY nice to me and very respectful of my feelings and such (like asking whether I wanted to be called by another name right away), except for the woman at the desk whom I had to report myself to. She looked pretty grumpy, and found it necassery to repeat my birthname to me. But I don't have much contact with her anyway, so I don't really care.
I quite like my psych. She's really nice and respectful towards me. I'll yet have to get to know her properly, but so far I feel like I'll be able to get along with her fine.

I had a good talk with her, and I'm curious what the other visits will bring. Regarless of all this positivity I also left with a bit of a sour aftertaste though, this has to do with my health insurance.
Because I wasn't out to my parents yet last january I couldn't change my "personal risk" to a lower sum (it's a dutch insurance thing. I can explain some other time if many people want to know, lol), which basically means I will have to pay the first three meetings entirely, instead of have a part refunded by my insurance.
I thought the costs for one visit would be around the 100/120 euro mark, but now I have gotten signals it might be quite a bit higher, like MUCH higher, and that I'd actually have to pay a sum close to 860 euros for these first three talks, which is... well... rather much...
The people whom I asked this to did not know the exact costs either, so it could be less... I sure hope so. And otherwise... well, nothing to be changed. I don't feel like it'd be fair to ask of my parents to pay all of that, but I hope IF it truly is this much we can split the costs. I really don't want money to block or delay my transition and process, and as long as I CAN afford it, I will pay, even if that means no more holidays with friends, no more fantasy fairs, no more new stuff, but of course I hope there is no need for such drastic measures, and needless to say it definitely worries me a bit.
I also feel rather sad I have to miss school a bunch of times. In high school I'd be happy about this, LOL, but now I'd even try to go to school anyway, even on the VU-days. (I either have class at midday or morning, so technically I DO have enough time. And I REALLY don't want to miss classes if I don't have to. I will have to miss a lot with the surgeries in the next years already)
I also found it harder to focus on school a bit after the visit, gladly that went away as soon as I actually was back AT school, and I was all back into the rythem again. Sometimes you forget you're trans because of all the other important things in your life, and sometimes you forget you still have a life outside of being trans, which basically just is a small aspect of "you", because sometimes... it just FEELS so big.

But generally I am still happy that my diagnostics finally could have been started. And no pain no gain right? Hah. If money is all it costs me to become who I am, what does that even matter? As long as I have enough, I am happy.
Some people are so poor, that all they have is money. You need money to live, but you have to remember it is a TOOL, not a purpose or a means. Without something meaningful to spend it on, money basically is a worthless number on some website called your "bank account", it's the things you do with it that matter!

Have a good day everybody!

Friend coming out issues

Okay, so right now almost all the people I genuinely care about know about me being trans and, thankfully, most took it quite well.
However, there is still a bit of a nagging issue with my five oldest, and possibly even best friends. (though I don't like classifying anyone as a "best" friend, cause I all love ya' equally much for your own strengths and weaknesses!) Well, no matter whether you'd define them as "best" or not, they are still VERY GOOD friends, and we've been through an awful lot together. Needless to say, I do not want to lose them. And well, the issue is... THEY, out of all people, do not know yet.

Why have I "waited" you might wonder. And the thing is, I haven't. In fact, I desperately TRIED to come out to them more than a year ago, but wasn't ready yet, took a completely wrong approach, I failed, and never dared to confront them with it again. It went like this...

More than a year ago... I really wanted them to know, but also didn't feel strong enough yet to tell them in person or even simply send them an email or text. So instead of being a wise guy and just letting it rest, I wrote a journal on my DeviantArt profile, knowing there would be a large chance they'd see it. It wasn't even directed at them personally, and yet just the MERE THOUGHT they MIGHT read it made my hands shake and my heart pound more than a call from the VU does now. (and that's a big thing!)
They DID read it, as I suspected, and even left comments saying they'd talk to me about it next time we'd meet in person.
The stupid chicken as I was, I waited for THEM to take the initiative the next time we met up. I stimply did not have the balls (pun intended) to confront them myself. They did the exact same thing (can't blame them) and waited for me to take the lead, so... nothing happened. They must have assumed it wasn't important after all and I just put it away, not daring to bring it up ever again.

After that we just went on as if nothing happened. I knew they knew and they knew I knew, but it's like we both silently agreed to avoid the matter. That was all doable and good for me, after all, it was still very surrealistic in my daily life anyway. I still lived fully as a girl.
But now... things have changed. The wheels have been set in motion, I'm actually taking steps to become the guy that I am, I am being seen and addressed as a guy by my classmates and new(er) friends, and this whole trans thing is becoming much more REAL as for lately.
This makes that the feeling of "acting" and "lying" to my five old friends has strongly increased, SO MUCH I often just don't want to meet up anymore, don't want to hang out... (when we are it is, except for the constant "girl(s)"-ing and misgendering, great fun, and I realize I don't want to lose them. Ever. They mean too much to me. But I'm afraid I WILL lose them if I don't do something quick!)
Though as the days passed... fear of rejection was replaced by feelings of guilt, because THEY are five REALLY GOOD friends, and I haven't yet told them. They should have been the FIRST. And each day I feel like telling them is getting harder and harder.

I'm also going on a skiing holiday with one of them, and I feel like I REALLY have to tell them -her at least- BEFORE we go. I can't be stuck with one of my friends for a week and be misgendered all the time, and act like "all is fine", cause I KNOW beforehand that will drain me more than any amount of physical exercise. I'm very afraid they will feel... insulted, for only hearing it so late, though. But only time will tell.

(I also wrote a blogpost about this when it happened (the failed "coming out") which can be read here: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2013/07/weirdest-reaction-to-coming-out-ever.html)

Experiences at school, and second appointment at the VU!

Heya peeps! It has been quite a while again. I know, I know. But sometimes I just don't have much to talk about. That happens too, y'know.

Anyway, I started at my new study and school 1st of september this year. As some of you might remember, I was very nervous about it all. Sure, a new study, a new class and new school IS a big and scary change, but that wasn't the main cause of my nerves... it's that I finally started living full time as a guy at school, even though I'm still pre T. I was scared to be called all sorts of crap, scared that people would see me as a girl anyway, that I'd be bullied, that there would be gossip... the list goes on.
Now I am one and a half month into my new study, and all my fears have been blown away.
First of all, I just LOVE this study, I LOVE art academy and studying art and am VERY VERY happy I made this choice last year. No regrets whatsoever! Almost makes last year (biology) feel pretty bad, while that was (especially compared to high school) pretty awesome too.
On top of that, all my fears for them not accepting me and such appeared to be irrational. I haven't even told all of my classmates (just the ones that asked), and still... nobody even gives a fuck! They just accept me for who I am and don't even question why I'm such a "feminine looking" guy, or gossip about me, etc. I just feel so happy about this all!
I also feel very happy to finally live as a guy for a large part of my life now. Add that to the fact that this school and study are just RIGHT for me, makes that I've never enjoyed school more than this! Sure, I have lows too just as I have highs, but in general... right now I feel better, happier, more myself than ever before. I do not regret any of my descisions so far, even though they were hard to make, they were the RIGHT ones!

And second thing I wanted to share is... I GOT ANOTHER CALL! Yes, from the VU genderteam! Even a (tiny) bit before the three month mark, while the psych at the intake said "three to six months"! Such good news! This will be at the 6th of November, around 1 o clock, meaning it's during school time. But I don't think it's even possible to plan it outside of school hours, and all other people I spoke also took a day off from school those times. Well, one day a month... not a big issue.
Anyway... yup. Now the big waiting game is slowly beginning.

Coming out. Friends, family, neighbours?

I know it has been quite a long time since I have written a blog entry. I have been pretty busy with school and whatnot and just did not have much time and motivation to write.

Today I want to adress something EVERY transperson (and many non-transpeople for that matter) have to deal with: COMING OUT, and dealing with distant family, friends, and even neighbours. I will tell my own coming out stories so far, and also the difficulties I faced and still face in many coming outs to come. Here we go...

Coming out to...
Yourself
Before you can even TELL someone else, like friends or family, you have to acknowledge it for yourself. Often an underestimated step, as it is not noticable for the outside world, but it is the VERY FIRST step and thus also a very important one. Basically before you can come out to ANYONE, you have to come out to yourself first!

I did this about two years ago from now. At that time I still felt very awkward and even ashamed for my identity. When first taking steps to find out my gender identity I even felt bad when just typing "transgender" into the search field. I deeply did NOT WANT TO BE transgender. I felt like an abomination, a freak, a crazy circus attraction, if I would be trans. But how much I tried, I could not stuff those feelings away. They kept coming back to the surface, every time again.
So I searched. I researched. I thought. I ponderd. I felt. And accepted.
However, after this accepting, lots of time would pass until I felt strong and certain enough to tell my parents and friends...

The first other person
After you come out to yourself, the next step is to come out to someone you trust, a good friend, a parent, a family member... it could be anyone.

I first came out to my niece. She wasn't one of my best friends, nor one of my parents, and I don't even know why I picked her to first tell it to out of my own accord, but I just felt like she would accept it for some reason, and she did. We talked a lot about it, and she became my first supporter. I really needed that "back support" she, and later also her brother and parents, gave me.

Friends
Most of my friends who knew me from "before" know what's going on. Not all of them have fully adapted to it, but no one responded negatively or abandoned me. Some of them have swapped pronouns and name almost instantly (to those friends I'd like so say a loud: THANK YOU!), others have a bit more difficulty seeing me as a guy, but support whatever I'll decide to do. I will soon press them to adress me as a guy too, and just calmly correct them each time they get it wrong.


Not everybody knows though... actually I find it hardest to tell my best or at least longest-time friends, I don't know why... it should be the other way around. My five best high school friends are the only good friends that do not yet know, which makes me feel pretty bad. Maybe I am afraid our friendship won't be the same after they know... or they won't accept it... but I HAVE to tell, because if I won't... our friendship will definitely break. At first I was just afraid to lose them, now I feel that I just don't want to be around them as much anymore, because I constantly feel like "hiding a secret", and "acting", which is a real shame, as they are great people and we shared lots of awesome things together. I don't want to lose them because of this...

Parents
After her and some other friends, I came out to my parents. I had written a letter weeks before, and tried to tell it many days before already, but simply felt jammed. I couldn't say it, I was that scared. (and without reason too, since my parents are really accepting and just want me to be happy. Before I told them I already KNEW for sure they wouldn't hate or disown me)
One day I just said to myself "NOW I AM GOING TO TELL THEM! It's NOW or NEVER! I can't keep pushing it ahead any longer." and I tried again whole day, but couldn't. I have never felt more terrible ever in my life. Until at the end of the day, I just handed them the letter and went upstairs, shaking.
They took it well, like I expected, but we all still felt weird about it. I still felt like I was in the closet, basically. Eventually they eased up a bit. I started writing blogposts again, shared them with my dad, and didn't feel like I had to "hide" my binders and such anymore. We still have a long road ahead of us, as they still truly see me as their "daughter" (I feel like especially my mom finds it hard to let go), but I have the feeling that will also pass in time when everything becomes a bit more "real" for them too, like when I get my psychological tests and talks at the VU and such.
I am not yet going to tell them they HAVE to call me him and Erik, but that time WILL come pretty soon... as the more I start living as a guy, the more I hate being seen as a girl at home, though I also understand it is very difficult for them to just "swap" after 19 years.

New people?
I do not even "come out" to new people anymore. I introduce myself as a guy from start, because that makes ME feel better, and also makes it easier for both me and them when I will transition later. My new classmates and friends don't know me as anything but a guy, BUT... there is a but... since I am pre-T (pre hormones) I still look and sound rather... uhm... feminine. I feel very bad about it, but it's simply the reality. Thanks to this many people suspect something or figure it out anyway, and many of my new friends know I'm trans even though I introduced as a guy from start. I also feel a bit more at ease if they know, as then I don't have to worry about passing, being "man enough", etc. and just be myself. (yeah, I'm just no macho dude. I actually really hate macho guys. They are pretty darn annoying)

Difficulties... neighbours, parties, distant family...
A big difficulty I am hitting nowadays is... those "far away aqaintances" whom you see a few times of the year, have superficial talk with, and don't really want to share personal details of your life with, BUT who thus see you as the wrong sex and constantly misgender you, completely unaware of what's going on.
For me this shows up extra strongly at parties. Collections of people whom I hardly know or care about deeply, and actually don't want to tell such a personal thing... but when I'm there, talking with them, I really feel pretty bad. It's playing a role all over again. Smile n wave, smile n wave, nod, nod.
All these people asking you how life is coming along, and then having to pretend you are totally happy as your birth sex and just smile along... yes... that hurts.
I am not sure how I will go about on telling these people, I think I will just let them live in oblivion until I have the green light for hormones, and then I'll get a bunch of "hurray it's a boy" cards or something (maybe draw them myself? :P) and send them to everybody, explaing my situation. If SOMEONE is still misgendering me at that point I will also play no more "easy games" with them and just ignore them (or misgender THEM back, hah!) when they do so. Though I hope most people stop before that time... as it's still a long while away from now.

Anyway, that was it folks! If any of you have questions, suggestions for upcoming posts, or things you liked/disliked about this one, feel free to tell me in the comment section below, or ask me on facebook through a PM if it's more private.

Cheers,
Erik

Third week of art academy

Okay, so after the intake the waiting game has begun. Wait till this, wait till that, and in the meantime... life goes on.
But that doesn't mean it goes out of my radar (hint: it never does), or I will stop moving, stop caring. Little things happened this week which I'd like to share with you guys.

As you might have read I have had art academy intro, it's about three weeks ago now, and also how nerve wrecking it was, and that a classmate said she thought I was "really a girl" and all, which really hit me hard.
The first week after that there were many more of those moments. Moments when I was too scared to continue, moments when I just wanted to go to a place where no one would ask me stuff about my gender. Like when I went to the toilet, some big bloke said "This is the mens", I just squeaked "I know" and ignored him for the rest, but booyy... I was really shocked! It also gave me quite bad dysphoria, as the man misgendered me even before I spoke, and thus I concluded I do not only not pass with my voice, but just NOT AT ALL. Nada. Yup man, that sucks.
Also did the classmate I told you all about earlier misgender me again, during a game of magic. BAM, there goes my concentration. Game of magic? Fuck magic. I just wanted to be alone at that moment. 
A couple more of those kind of things happened, but ASIDE from those I had a good time. A much better time than uni intro (which was truly terrible! Not gonna exclude on that right now, but it wasn't fun), and the classes were awesome! (ahem, ARE awesome!)

Now we are a couple of weeks further, and the classmate who "really saw me as a girl" and kept misgendering me all the time now finally corrects herself. Sure, she still does it, but she corrects right after, which already means a lot to me, as it shows she understands what it means to me and is really trying. I don't know what made her shift like that, as I didn't speak to her about it, as I should have, but I am VERY glad for it!
Also are all people calling me Erik and acknowledging me as such. I am still kinda afraid they might have question marks or don't fully see me as a "real" guy, but maybe I'm just paranoid. I did not tell my whole class yet, and I am considering whether I should or not, and if yes, how and when.

Another thing is that I went to see the student councelor to speak about it all (she requested it herself), since there might be a chance my study gets delayed due transition (I hope not, but the chance definitely exists, so I should come forward with it in time).
She was quite respectful and understanding, and we talked a little. Only thing is she said my name really overly much, I feel like she was trying to signal she saw me as a guy n all, but it came across as a bit "too much". But at least she didn't tip it to the other way, heh.


Living as a guy prior to hormones is often scary, nerve wrecking and terrible, due bad passing (I personally feel like I do not pass at all, but that could also just be me), but when no one puts question marks at my name and gender I just feel SO good! I feel much stronger, happier, more at peace. Often people tell me they admire my courage for doing this, but I will honestly tell you all, it is not courage which drives me. It is pure self preservation.

Art Academy Intro!

Hey guys, I just had the intro for Art Academy. Actual classes and such will start monday the 1st, so after the weekend. But for me, THIS was the 'big thing', as I'd see my new classmates for the first time... as a guy!
I still dress the same way as I used to and always will, the big difference is that NORMALLY I don't actually say I'm a guy, either because people who know me from "before" are there, or because I am simply too scared they won't believe me.
I stepped over this fear this time, however, because I simply CAN NOT live this lie anymore and happily tell new friends I'm a girl and just ignore the way it makes me feel. I cannot live my life like it's a theatre show anymore.

Day 1
The first day, also the scariest day. I arrived at 13:00 at the main area and sat down with the rest to listen to some speech. All people whom I didn't know and who seemed to already be buddy-buddy together. During the speech I felt some stinging pains in my low belly area, and a slight feeling of wet dampness which I'd associate with wetting my pants IF I weren't an adult, and IF I weren't physically configured in such a way that I was shipped with a womb. In other words: I recognised this as the oh so dreaded Shark Week. While I sat there, a woman was rambling about something, it must have been important but it all flew past me. I didn't record a single word of it, and I was completely enveloped in my own world, which was crumbling down on me as she spoke. All I could think of was "Why now? Damn not now! Not now! Not now! Body STOP THIS NONSENSE! Aaaah!" or at least something in that nature.
As soon as the talking stopped, which felt like an eternity, I slipped into the men's toilet as quickly as I could, and because I had no pads or other shark week emergency stuff with me, I fixed something up with toilet paper. I felt sick and had quite bad cramps, add to that the dysphoria and you understand I just wanted to be alone, away from all these people whom I had never met.
My heart beat like crazy each time my name was called and even more if someone asked me what it was. I could just feel their stares, and I'd expect a "What? But you aint a guy!" any moment. But no one said anything. Not when I said my name, not when I went to the toilet in plain sight. Though the fear and the tenseness remained.
That day we gladly didn't walk around much, and we just got some easy but boring factual information about the study, the academy, and so forth.

Day 2
This day I prepared myself for the nightmare called shark week, but still I can never FULLY prepare.
We went on a trip through town, and visited various art exhibitions, I will spare you the details but they were really interesting.
We also had to walk INSANELY much though, and due to bad logistic planning we had to wait a lot. It was hot outside, and I was pretty much dying in my binder. I couldn't change my shark week stuff much, which nearly caused leakage and would have been my greatest nightmare ever. (leakage is BAD for a girl, but VERY VERY BAD for a guy) Also, changing pads in the men's toilet is HELL. For the people who are lucky enough to never have used or opened one, I tell you this: their packaging is everything BUT discrete. It is impossible to open and then replace them without making insanely loud tearing noises. SHRRRT SHRR SHRRRRRRRRT. Which is embarrassing enough in the women's toilets, but simply nerve wrecking in the men's. I mean, in the woman's, such sounds are normal, in the men's... god knows what they think you're doing. And if you already look and sound ambiguously male, well, they might add 1 and 1 up and start asking questions.
Aside from the heat, shark week, and some nerve wrecking moments, it was not a wholly bad day. My classmates are great, and the reason I feel uncomfortable comes from within me, not from them. I also felt a bit better and more open to interacting and talking that day, though at the end my energy reserves were completely wasted.

Day 3
This day we started a two-day surprise film project. We all had to bring unspecified "useful" things to use in the films we'd be making. There were several subjects, all pretty awesome in my opinion, and I picked the stop-motion (also because it was the only one where I wouldn't have to be on screen myself). Even though we were with a big group, discussing and idea-making went smooth, and we were overflowing with good ideas and enthusiasm. Also, the first two days of my shark week are always VERY intense and pretty dreadful, but the later days then quickly diminish in strength and intensity. So the cramps weren't as bad, and I only needed to change once. Still uncomfortable, but much better than the two previous days.
People also started calling me Erik when they saw me or wanted to ask me something, which was just great, and we worked together rather productively on our stop motion film. (it was really fun!)
I had a bit of a crisis moment at home when the pasta I had to make for the picnic (we were having a picnic and everybody had to bring something) seemed really screwed up, but when we mixed it with the rest it tasted pretty great.

Day 4
Today, and the last day of the intro. I went there much more at ease and with an enthusiastic mood this time, I really wanted to finish our stop motion film. Due to our great efficiency (I have never seen a group of 20 people (yes, that many picked stop motion!) be that efficient together! Wow!) we finished the filming far ahead of schedule. Some tech-savy people would do the editing, and we (the rest) had to wait till it was done, which was pretty boring and took ages, but also was a nice opportunity to talk with people a bit more.
However, then something happened which shook my world. I was showing my magic cards to a very nice Chinese girl (she also likes fantasy, gaming, the same kind of music, and MTG and I just had a good connection with her), we talked a bit about them and deck building, after which she said: 'Yeah, I was thinking about taking mine too, but I thought: 'SHE probably won't take HER decks anyway.'" She all said this rather quickly, followed by a smile, completely unaware of what her words had done. They hit me like two arrows, and I had to retreat to the toilet for a short while to get grips of myself again. I didn't understand why she called me "she" even though she knew my name was Erik, and I concluded I must simply NOT PASS AT ALL. Just not at all. I felt terrible. I wanted to go home. And I almost did, until at some moment when I was lazily drawing and talking a bit with some people, another girl clearly referred to me multiple times as "he" and "him" and "his work", as she did this it had the opposite effect to me. I started grinning widely, became more relaxed and open and chatted with her and some others quite a while. (about drawing, techniques, styles, art... kinda the stereotypical stuff you'd expect from art academy students, haha)
After that I felt so much better I decided to stay for dinner too (as they changed from pizza to risotto, making it gluten free!), and the Chinese girl now asked me how I got the name Erik, clearly noting that I am physically female and that she was confused by a female with a male name. While I was surrounded by some new friends, people I at least started to like and trust to a certain extend, I just decided to play open cards with her and tell it. I said "Yeah, yknow, you are probably confused about whether I am a boy or a girl, and you see... I am born a girl but I identify as a..." at that point the girl who called me he and him earlier interrupted and blurted out: "Just say you're transgender, that's clear enough!" everybody nodded and agreed, and she said she thought I looked very much male except for my voice. The Chinese girl, however, then said "I immediately saw you were a girl. You just are a girl." or something like that. Because I had started to like her in the past few days, I explained to her that I understood her opinion, but that it was extremely hurtful to me. She didn't say anything about it after that, and I still see her as a friend (unless she won't stop it), but it still really hit me hard. Yknow, I don't SHOW much when you call me female, I just twitch a bit, that's all, but what other people DON'T see is what goes on under the surface. A storm of dysphoria, doubt, fear, sadness... much more... is unleashed, and the moment it happened will keep cycling through my mind over and over and over and over again.
However I don't think that Chinese girl was really trying to hurt me, and everybody really responded positively and started calling me he and him more as well.

It wasn't all fun n games, but it was mainly good, and I think I'll just do a coming out to the rest of my classmates soon too, because then I can finally breathe again and stop worrying they might "see it", question me or misgender me. Then it's just clear for everyone why I have such a feminine voice and total lack of facial hair, and they (hopefully) won't doubt my gender anymore.

Just had my intake!!!

Okay guys, I am VERY happy to say: I FINALLY had my intake at the VUMC genderteam! (wooot!)

For the people who didn't follow what happened, there were issues with my medical records, which caused the intake to be postponed. If you want to know the details please check out: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2014/07/a-little-status-update.html

I sent the Genderteam like four emails asking whether the refferal letter was enough, and if they could please reply, I got nothing but a complete radio silence. Because I am terrified of calling, I thought mailing would be fine, but since they didn't answer even after four emails and four weeks waiting, I realized I really HAD to give them a call, no matter how much I dreaded it.
I first called them saturday, but got a tape saying they couldn't answer until monday, oops, yes, of course, that makes total sense. So monday I quickly called them again. Shaking and with sweaty palms I explained what was going on to the lady on the telephone, after which she expressed her understanding of my frustrations, and suggested to re-send the "machtiging" paper. I agreed and hung up.
Just a mere minute later I got a call, it was the VU again, same lady, saying they already appeared to have a scan of a letter from my GP, so that they COULD in fact plan my intake. I am pretty certain this is the exact same scan as I sent them MYSELF four weeks ago. She first tried to plan me on thursday, but the computer gave an error, and I said I really preferred to be helped before the start of semester. She understood this and said there was in fact a free slot tomorrow (thus today) morning. A bit bewildered by how quick it suddenly went, after just ONE phone call, I happily agreed.
What have I learned from this? You may ask. That you can mail the VU a thousand times and not be heard, and they will only run for you when you call. So I advice to ANYONE just starting, like me, to CALL whenever they don't reply right away. I totally feel you on how terrible it is, but it REALLY works wonders, as you see.

Anyway, now onto the actual intake, which I had just a couple hours ago from the moment I write this.
They told me I had to arrive at 10, fill in some questionnaires, take a picture, and have a talk with a psychologist. Everything went exactly that way.
I arrived 30 minutes late due to traffic, but it was no problem, and almost right away when I walked in I could start the questionnaire, and have my photo taken. (I was really nervous. When they asked me for my birthdate I didn't even know it, I was that stressed, lol) The questions varied from factual (what is your nationality, how old are you, have you had this, this or this illness) to quite personal (do you masturbate, do you have sexual dreams, have you been abused in your childhood in this, this or this way), and many of them where exactly the same, just formulated differently. Anyway, it wasn't such a big deal, I finished in about 40 minutes.
After that I returned the questionnaire and had a short talk with an MTF girl who recognised me, but we had only sat down and started to talk for like a minute or so when my name (my surname!) was called again, by the psychologist this time.
She was very nice and respectful, by no means 'forcing' me into specific answers, and explaining the time span and nature of the trajectory once again (I already knew most of it, but it's nice to hear it from an actual living being too). She basically went over the questionnaire questions once more, and wrote down the more detailed answers I gave. Actually after I got over my initial fear I kinda liked it to talk with someone about these things, her understanding attitude made me feel more at ease than I would have expected.
She said she thought I was in the right place, and unless I would suddenly develop depression, doubt, phobias or other issues the diagnostic phase would most likely be sorted out relatively quickly. (6 months MINIMUM, maximum... as much as is needed.), after which I can start the so-called "real-life phase" where I will get male hormones and am required to live as male full-time (hah, lol, I plan to do so before the start of the official real life phase, thank you), at that point I will also be able to change my legal name and sex to Male and Erik (she said I could also do it now, but it would cost me over 200 euro's, whereas it would be 65 later). When the real life phase is successful, and I have been in it for AT LEAST a year, I will be allowed to get surgeries. Most likely I will take the top, and won't take the phallo, due to rather disappointing results, and maybe the meta if my anatomy allows for it, but I don't exclude anything now. (Top= chesticle removal, phallo/meta/bottom= penis creation) I told her this as well, and she said that won't be a problem, and I can decide for myself which treatments I want/don't want.
After that she said the approximate waiting list for the first talk right now is 3 to 6 months, and they will give me a call when it's my turn.

So folks, that's it. THAT WAS IT. Not much of a big deal in the end. But I am very glad I have it behind me now and can start waiting for the start of the ACTUAL diagnostic process. Overall it left me feeling very good, and I know a lot of people aren't happy with the VU, but SO FAR I am quite content and I don't recognise much of other people's complains (yet?). I hope it will stay this way. :)


On another, slightly offtopic note, I have a question for all of you.
As many of you know I will be starting my new study (illustration!) as Erik. However, as ALL of you probably know, I am still pre-hormones, which means I look and especially SOUND quite feminine/young for a dude of 19 yrs. I am rather torn about what I should tell my classmates, some people suggest to just say I have a "hormone problem" (which basically IS true... in a certain way) and just tell good friends I'm born a girl, the psych at the VU, however, suggested me to just tell them as soon as possible, since people might gossip behind my back and give me more shit for it when I'd actuall be open about it.
However, my 'problem' with this is that it is 1) FCKING SCARY and 2) I don't want to become "that transperson" or even worse: "That dude who is actually a girl", I just want to be a NORMAL (and kinda crazy, geeky and alternative) guy, not "That guy who was born a girl" or "that girl who says she's a guy". However saying I have a hormone problem feels a lot like lying.
What should I do? And IF I should tell them, when? Right away? After a while? When they ask??

Why do we give EVERYTHING a gender?

This is most likely something many average "normal" people don't even notice, let alone be bothered by it. But me, as a transperson (and most likely anyone crossing gender norms), am very frustrated and confused by this.
Our society has an almost compulsive need to assign EVERYTHING to a set gender, even if the object in question has nothing to do with sex or gender. Yes, sure, tampons are most likely only going to be bought by women (or men who buy it for their girlfriend/sister/mother?), and it makes no sense to market condoms towards women. But why do we need to assign a gender to children's toys? Or clothes? Or even worse: SOCKS.
I mean, what the heck? Socks? Seriously? Whenever I shop for socks I see packages "women's socks" and "men's socks", and no matter how close I look, I simply cannot find a difference or a reason why they are split into "men's" and "women's".
Also clothes... yes, I know "women's" clothes look different than "men's", but what does it matter? Why don't throw it onto one big pile 'o "clothes" and let people search through it what they like most.

Cars, games, furniture, and movies don't have a "gender" set on them either. Yeah, sure, some movies are more popular among women and some more popular among men, but when you walk into a cinema or DVD store you won't see "Men's movies" "Women's movies".
Why am I even so upset about this? You might wonder. Well, I am because these gender labels seem to imply we have no choice, like women HAVE to buy "women's" stuff and men HAVE to buy "men's stuff". Right now I just buy, use and wear whatever the crap I like, but when I was still a little kid I actually felt like I wasn't ALLOWED to wear "boys" clothes, even though they looked much better and I preferred them. As far as I remember, all my boy's clothes were hand-me-downs from friends and family, because for some reason buying new things from the boy's department is not ok, while getting them secondhand is. Weird world...
Gladly I still had plenty of other opportunities to express myself, and my parents never held me back to do stuff I liked. (if it wasn't dangerous, unhealthy or expensive, that is)

Right now, things like clothing are less of an issue. As no one can forbid me to wear men's clothes regardless of my sex. However a problem regarding public toilets, for example, remains. I tell you, they are an utter NIGHTMARE. As right now... I fit in both and I fit in neither (I must be a subatomic particle...), and I simply don't see why we can't have all unisex toilets, or at least ONE unisex toilet next to the men's and women's. To "normal" average people that might seem like an overkill, but it would GREATLY help me, other transpeople, genderqueer people, agender people, and basically all other people with a gender identity different than male or female or one misaligned with their bodies.

Visit to the GP, and... the post lost my letter!

An update on how things are over here.

Okay, so first of all, GOOD NEWS!

• I bought a rashguard, so I can feel better while swimming. Though I hoped it would compress a bit as well (which it doesnt), so I wouldn't need a binder, I am still very happy with it. I really want to test it sometime soon! 
• Secondly, I went to the GP, and got the referral letter for the VU. I was quite stressed about it, and when she asked me what I needed a referral for, I literally couldn't say a word, it was that hard. But my dad had come with me, and he saved me. After she knew what it was for she asked lots of questions, to be sure I know what I'm talking about and am certain, etc. and after that wished me luck and wrote the letter. She was very understanding and nice, and I feel like I am starting to slowly open up to my parents as well, which really makes me happy. There is still a long road ahead of me, but I will get there. 

There is also bad news, however.

Namely, the letter that grants the VU the right to see my medical file apparently got lost in the post, as neither THEY, nor I, nor the GP has it.

When I just signed in, they told me they would call to make an appointment for the intake BEFORE 14th of July, so I waited. And waited. And waited. 14th of July passes, still no call. I begin to get worried, and contact them myself to ask what's up. I get the answer that they don't have my medical records yet, and thus cannot make an appointment, while I DID send it, signed and everything.
Then another week passes. I know I have to contact my GP, but I am too afraid and procrastinate it. Until I know I have no choice. (this is a reoccurring problem in my life...)
I make an appointment with my GP, the nearest date is almost a week later, and A DAY before we leave on holiday, to make the stress-fest complete.
Arriving there, I have a very good talk and she was very understanding of it all, HOWEVER, when I said they had to see my medical file, and the rights-letter (don't know the English term folks, it's a "machtiging" in Dutch) didn't arrive at the VU, they said they didn't have it either (I am almost starting to wonder I maybe slit it in the wrong postbox slot). When I asked whether she could just give that permission NOW anyway (as I was there in person, sure I could testify it was OK), she said it is very unusual to give full access to someone's medical records, as it is rather personal, and often a lot of it is irrelevant for the situation, so she refused to grant that until more was clear about WHAT they exactly wanted from my medical records.
Stupidly enough, I made no copy of the letter I had to sign, thus I have no idea what it said EXACTLY, and thus I have to wait for a response from the VU.
I sent the genderteam an email explaining everything in detail, and asking on how I should proceed now, but I still have no reply. In the meanwhile... the clock is counting down till the holiday.
I am rather stressed about this, as I have no idea what they exactly want, how my letter got lost in the post, and when I can get my intake.

It was a big and difficult step to go to the GP, and I am glad I did it, but I am not glad I STILL have a few issues unanswered. I hope everything ends all right anyway, only time can tell.

Living a double life

First of all... sorry for the long silence. I had some personal issues that made focussing on my blog (or art) really difficult. Also have I gotten a little pet ratty, Zelda, who has been taking a lot of attention. I am going to get her a friend this week, hopefully she will feel less lonely then. (yup, I know, never keep rats on their own. Learned that a little bit too late)

One of the things I wanted to address today is a difficulty I have to deal with quite a lot lately. Seemingly living "two lives in one".
In this early phase of coming out and transition there are many people who I am not out to, a bunch  whom I am out to but still treat me as female, a few who I am out to who DO see me as male now, and some who simply never knew me as female.
Thanks to this I live both as male and female depending on the circumstances and people I am with. Especially the latter (living as female) is getting more and more unpleasant due being able to interact with people as male. Like, you get a taste of a lollipop, but then it's pulled away from you again.
If I have to "be female" now it feels even more like a show. A theatre act. A mask.
But as male I do not feel fully at ease now either, this has more to do with the feeling of not being a "proper male" rather than not wanting to be/feeling male. I feel very bad for my body, but aside from my genes and downstairs I don't think I have a particularly feminine physical makeup. Not very masucline either, just... very androgynous.

My voice, however, is the worst of it all. I feel like I have an ultra high sissy voice, and even though THAT might be overreacting/non-realistic viewing from my side, anyone who has heard it will probably acknowledge that I DO have a pretty "normal female voice".
In fact, people often mistake me for my mom over the phone, or tell me I have a "beautiful girl/woman's voice". Of course people saying that are trying to make me feel good, but they don't. In fact they only confirm my insecurities I have about my voice.

Right now I feel like I'm in a "twilight zone" of being male and female. I feel like right now I fit both boxes and neither boxes. My outside reflects female, but how I feel within is male. I cannot live as female, because -obviously- I AM not female. It makes me very unhappy to live like that all the time. But I cannot properly live as male either due the way I look and sound. Basically I'm stuck in limbo, and I HATE it!

Also another difficulty is that the friends/people who see me as male will not, should not and can not ever mix with the people/friends who see me as female, as that will weird out both groups (and me!). I find it hard when a friend who sees me fully as male comes over, because my parents don't see me as such yet (even though I told them. I guess they just need time to adjust), but when a friend who sees me as female comes over I find it hard TOO, because that means I have to play a role again.

It gives me a bad taste in my mouth and a stone in my stomach when I have to fill in my legal name somewhere, but when I fill in Erik I am also very afraid/paranoid someone will come up to me and say "Are you crazy? You aren't a guy!". Same for public toilets. I don't feel at home in the women's, but I am afraid someone will clock me in the men's. Basically I can go no-where now. I fit no where. That is right now one of the biggest difficulties I am facing in this early phase of (social) transition.

I just want... to be able to be myself without having to "prove" anything, without having anyone "second guess" me or look at me weirdly. That's all. Is that so much asked?

A small step closer...

A bit of a "status update" on how things are developing over here and how it will all proceed from there.
Okay, so a while ago I called the VU, and got a letter I had to sign to allow them to check my doctor's records with my GP (not that there is much in them, lol). After that I got another letter saying they will call everyone who signed up in the first two weeks of July to pick a date for the intake.
Before the intake I have to get a refferal letter from my GP as well, because otherwise the insurance won't cover anything.
The intake is not the 'actual' start of therapy and medical process, rather they just create a "file" for you and get some basic details down. Basically that is the starting point they use for making a "plan" how to proceed from there.
After that, you will be placed on the waiting list, and the actual treatment cannot start until you are the first 'in line', so to speak.

This "treatment" will first start with A LOT of psychological tests and talks, etc. to find out some basic things, like:

1. Do you really have GID (=Gender Identity Disorder, AKA: medical term for transgenderism)
2. Do you have other mental issues that need resolving first? 
3. Are you mentally and emotionally prepared for transition 

This phase can take from a few months to multiple years, depending on how strong, mentally stable, and certain of you decision, etc. you are. I find it hard, if not near impossible, to estimate the time it will take with me, so I decided not to fuss about it too much right now, and just see what happens.

After that, if all goes well, they will diagnose you with GID and give you the "green light" to start the medical process some time later. (after some physical tests, like hormone levels and such. I am not entirely sure what else...)
This will first consist of a RLE (= Real Life Experience) where you live as your desired sex full time and get the hormones of this sex (so in my case that would be testosterone). During that time you will stay in touch with the VU and still have regular talks with psychologists. If you have doubts or feel like it's going "too quick" you can always slow the process down (on the other hand, speeding it up is a lot harder).
Once you successfully finished the RLE, you will get green light for the surgeries. There are several options and (as far as I know) you don't have to take them all, but as they are still so far away I am not really thinking about that step yet. If you guys are interested I can write another blog post about them though, and list the differences and pros and cons of certain surgeries. That is too much for this time though.

As you see this first "big" step is actually a very small one, and I still have a long road ahead of me with many pitfalls along the way. I cannot predict what it will look like and how exactly I will tread on it. That is something only time can tell.