Hey there people, it has been quite a while since my last post again (because I hardly had any time :c). Today I want to talk about an issue I am having lately, PLUS some good news/updates! (so it's not only negative. Happy now?)
I am VERY very happy to finally have started my diagnostic process. Finally I can see the ending of this, finally I can foresee the good things coming up, finally I'm moving forward instead of sitting on my lazy ass and pushing it all aside.
Buuut this also has a flip-side. Basically since my first talk I have had an increased difficulty to focus on OTHER aspects of my life, such as -you guessed it- school!
I always said, and still say, that being trans is only a small portion of who I am (it is just an aspect of me, and has nothing to do with my personality), but right now this SMALL portion is taking up a BIG part of my brain.
Added to this is the fact that we got a new scedule with the start of the next period, which leaves room for a LOT less free time after school to do homework and such, and some other 'special days' in the scedule, I have a great difficulty getting 'into' the flow of work, this period. On a positive note, I find that my work is improving, and that I am generally more 'free' with experimenting than previous period. However I still find that I have a great difficulty focussing and finding the energy to put my heart and soul in it, like I WANT and SHOULD.
The dysphoria also has gotten worse since living more-or-less fully as a guy. It is quite ironic that at the same time I feel more at 'peace' more calm and happy on the inside, while I also feel more stressed, anxious and self-conscious about my body. Some days it's so bad I just want to retreat somewhere, be that my room, a toilet, or just a quiet corner, but often I can't. I have to 'hold myself together' and make sure that mask shows no cracks. I am able to do this, in fact I am not even sure if I could SHOW it, but it costs me a lot of energy nevertheless.
I spoke about this, and also the concern I had about having to miss classes for my visits to the VU, with my SLB'er (some sort of a mentor), and she was very supportive of me. She reassured me she understood the difficulties I was having, and it would not be a problem for my study at all. I am still worried, though, because I don't think the teachers would make an exception for me because all of this, and frankly... even if they would, I wouldn't WANT them to. It would make me feel 'sick' or 'pitiful', and all I want is be normal and live a life like anybody else, be treated just like anybody else.
I don't want to be 'special' or 'different' (okay, I am, just being an artist makes me 'different' already, but that is a fundamental part of me as a PERSON, being trans is not. It is as much a part of my PERSONALITY as having diabetes or asthma would be for someone else), in fact a part of me is even reluctant to talk about it because I'd feel I would be 'attention whoring' too much, being too much like 'SEE ME! I AM SO POOR! Oh nooo noo nooo! PITY MEEE', and the LAST thing I'd ever, ever want is to be pitied. On the other hand, all of it is bothering me and occupying me for a great deal right now, and writing it down, sharing it, talking about it, helps me deal with it better. It makes me feel like I am not carrying this stone alone anymore, but I carry it together with everybody who cares about me, making it a lot easier to lift.
Buuut move away from all this whining and negativity, I also have some good news!
First of all, I came out to my classmates (felt better towards them. They are great people and I thought they deserved to know), and they responded REALLY well! All of them were very supportive and even said things like "You're a boss" "Respect for being so brave to tell us" "You're an awesome dude!" and so forth. I am very happy I took the step to tell them!
Secondly, my parents, mainly my dad, are getting more understanding and respectful of the way I feel. I feel like I can talk more and more openly with them about it, which is great! My dad even called me "Erik" and "dude" a couple of times. I notice they still find it a weird thought to see me as a guy, but I suppose that's just normal, and I notice from lots of little cues they are truly trying to slowly start accepting me as their son.
And third, I am going to come out to one of my oldest and best friends next saturday (hope it goes well). I finally got over myself and decided she really had to know, so she'll be coming over to my place saturday morning. After that we will go on skiing holiday together (that is also a reason why I wanted to tell her SOON), and the week after we will meet up with the others from my high school friend group again, and I will tell them at that moment.
I notice I am becoming less fearful and more secure. I used to procrastinate things I was afraid of and found difficult, and I still do, but as of lately I am more and more often taking things into my own hands and just DOING what has to be done, which is truly an empowering feeling.
Even though some days I am all done with it, and I just feel terrible, there are still many great days behind and ahead of me. I am also very thankful for all of my great friends, of whom none have left me and truly proved to be as open-minded and accepting as I gauged them. Thank you!
zondag 23 november 2014
vrijdag 7 november 2014
Second visit to the VU
Hey everybody!
As quite a few of you knew (at least those who follow my blog) I did have my second visit to the VU yesterday (thursday 6 november at 1 o clock). This would be the FIRST talk with the psych assigned to me, and whom will me guiding me through this process from start to finish, and also the start of the actual diagnostic process.
From now on I will have a talk there every once a month, and after SIX talks me and my psych wil re-evaluate whether I need more time/talks or wether I'm ready for the Real Life Phase (the point where I will start to live as a guy OFFICIALLY, change my legal documents, and get on hormones).
From that point it will still take many months for my body to change, it happens faster than a biomales puberty, but it's also not like you turn into an adult man overnight, LOL!
Anyway, me and my parents arrived at the genderteam, I was less nervous than at the intake but still a bit shaky. Everybody was REALLY nice to me and very respectful of my feelings and such (like asking whether I wanted to be called by another name right away), except for the woman at the desk whom I had to report myself to. She looked pretty grumpy, and found it necassery to repeat my birthname to me. But I don't have much contact with her anyway, so I don't really care.
I quite like my psych. She's really nice and respectful towards me. I'll yet have to get to know her properly, but so far I feel like I'll be able to get along with her fine.
I had a good talk with her, and I'm curious what the other visits will bring. Regarless of all this positivity I also left with a bit of a sour aftertaste though, this has to do with my health insurance.
Because I wasn't out to my parents yet last january I couldn't change my "personal risk" to a lower sum (it's a dutch insurance thing. I can explain some other time if many people want to know, lol), which basically means I will have to pay the first three meetings entirely, instead of have a part refunded by my insurance.
I thought the costs for one visit would be around the 100/120 euro mark, but now I have gotten signals it might be quite a bit higher, like MUCH higher, and that I'd actually have to pay a sum close to 860 euros for these first three talks, which is... well... rather much...
The people whom I asked this to did not know the exact costs either, so it could be less... I sure hope so. And otherwise... well, nothing to be changed. I don't feel like it'd be fair to ask of my parents to pay all of that, but I hope IF it truly is this much we can split the costs. I really don't want money to block or delay my transition and process, and as long as I CAN afford it, I will pay, even if that means no more holidays with friends, no more fantasy fairs, no more new stuff, but of course I hope there is no need for such drastic measures, and needless to say it definitely worries me a bit.
I also feel rather sad I have to miss school a bunch of times. In high school I'd be happy about this, LOL, but now I'd even try to go to school anyway, even on the VU-days. (I either have class at midday or morning, so technically I DO have enough time. And I REALLY don't want to miss classes if I don't have to. I will have to miss a lot with the surgeries in the next years already)
I also found it harder to focus on school a bit after the visit, gladly that went away as soon as I actually was back AT school, and I was all back into the rythem again. Sometimes you forget you're trans because of all the other important things in your life, and sometimes you forget you still have a life outside of being trans, which basically just is a small aspect of "you", because sometimes... it just FEELS so big.
But generally I am still happy that my diagnostics finally could have been started. And no pain no gain right? Hah. If money is all it costs me to become who I am, what does that even matter? As long as I have enough, I am happy.
Some people are so poor, that all they have is money. You need money to live, but you have to remember it is a TOOL, not a purpose or a means. Without something meaningful to spend it on, money basically is a worthless number on some website called your "bank account", it's the things you do with it that matter!
Have a good day everybody!
As quite a few of you knew (at least those who follow my blog) I did have my second visit to the VU yesterday (thursday 6 november at 1 o clock). This would be the FIRST talk with the psych assigned to me, and whom will me guiding me through this process from start to finish, and also the start of the actual diagnostic process.
From now on I will have a talk there every once a month, and after SIX talks me and my psych wil re-evaluate whether I need more time/talks or wether I'm ready for the Real Life Phase (the point where I will start to live as a guy OFFICIALLY, change my legal documents, and get on hormones).
From that point it will still take many months for my body to change, it happens faster than a biomales puberty, but it's also not like you turn into an adult man overnight, LOL!
Anyway, me and my parents arrived at the genderteam, I was less nervous than at the intake but still a bit shaky. Everybody was REALLY nice to me and very respectful of my feelings and such (like asking whether I wanted to be called by another name right away), except for the woman at the desk whom I had to report myself to. She looked pretty grumpy, and found it necassery to repeat my birthname to me. But I don't have much contact with her anyway, so I don't really care.
I quite like my psych. She's really nice and respectful towards me. I'll yet have to get to know her properly, but so far I feel like I'll be able to get along with her fine.
I had a good talk with her, and I'm curious what the other visits will bring. Regarless of all this positivity I also left with a bit of a sour aftertaste though, this has to do with my health insurance.
Because I wasn't out to my parents yet last january I couldn't change my "personal risk" to a lower sum (it's a dutch insurance thing. I can explain some other time if many people want to know, lol), which basically means I will have to pay the first three meetings entirely, instead of have a part refunded by my insurance.
I thought the costs for one visit would be around the 100/120 euro mark, but now I have gotten signals it might be quite a bit higher, like MUCH higher, and that I'd actually have to pay a sum close to 860 euros for these first three talks, which is... well... rather much...
The people whom I asked this to did not know the exact costs either, so it could be less... I sure hope so. And otherwise... well, nothing to be changed. I don't feel like it'd be fair to ask of my parents to pay all of that, but I hope IF it truly is this much we can split the costs. I really don't want money to block or delay my transition and process, and as long as I CAN afford it, I will pay, even if that means no more holidays with friends, no more fantasy fairs, no more new stuff, but of course I hope there is no need for such drastic measures, and needless to say it definitely worries me a bit.
I also feel rather sad I have to miss school a bunch of times. In high school I'd be happy about this, LOL, but now I'd even try to go to school anyway, even on the VU-days. (I either have class at midday or morning, so technically I DO have enough time. And I REALLY don't want to miss classes if I don't have to. I will have to miss a lot with the surgeries in the next years already)
I also found it harder to focus on school a bit after the visit, gladly that went away as soon as I actually was back AT school, and I was all back into the rythem again. Sometimes you forget you're trans because of all the other important things in your life, and sometimes you forget you still have a life outside of being trans, which basically just is a small aspect of "you", because sometimes... it just FEELS so big.
But generally I am still happy that my diagnostics finally could have been started. And no pain no gain right? Hah. If money is all it costs me to become who I am, what does that even matter? As long as I have enough, I am happy.
Some people are so poor, that all they have is money. You need money to live, but you have to remember it is a TOOL, not a purpose or a means. Without something meaningful to spend it on, money basically is a worthless number on some website called your "bank account", it's the things you do with it that matter!
Have a good day everybody!
maandag 27 oktober 2014
Friend coming out issues
Okay, so right now almost all the people I genuinely care about know about me being trans and, thankfully, most took it quite well.
However, there is still a bit of a nagging issue with my five oldest, and possibly even best friends. (though I don't like classifying anyone as a "best" friend, cause I all love ya' equally much for your own strengths and weaknesses!) Well, no matter whether you'd define them as "best" or not, they are still VERY GOOD friends, and we've been through an awful lot together. Needless to say, I do not want to lose them. And well, the issue is... THEY, out of all people, do not know yet.
Why have I "waited" you might wonder. And the thing is, I haven't. In fact, I desperately TRIED to come out to them more than a year ago, but wasn't ready yet, took a completely wrong approach, I failed, and never dared to confront them with it again. It went like this...
More than a year ago... I really wanted them to know, but also didn't feel strong enough yet to tell them in person or even simply send them an email or text. So instead of being a wise guy and just letting it rest, I wrote a journal on my DeviantArt profile, knowing there would be a large chance they'd see it. It wasn't even directed at them personally, and yet just the MERE THOUGHT they MIGHT read it made my hands shake and my heart pound more than a call from the VU does now. (and that's a big thing!)
They DID read it, as I suspected, and even left comments saying they'd talk to me about it next time we'd meet in person.
The stupid chicken as I was, I waited for THEM to take the initiative the next time we met up. I stimply did not have the balls (pun intended) to confront them myself. They did the exact same thing (can't blame them) and waited for me to take the lead, so... nothing happened. They must have assumed it wasn't important after all and I just put it away, not daring to bring it up ever again.
After that we just went on as if nothing happened. I knew they knew and they knew I knew, but it's like we both silently agreed to avoid the matter. That was all doable and good for me, after all, it was still very surrealistic in my daily life anyway. I still lived fully as a girl.
But now... things have changed. The wheels have been set in motion, I'm actually taking steps to become the guy that I am, I am being seen and addressed as a guy by my classmates and new(er) friends, and this whole trans thing is becoming much more REAL as for lately.
This makes that the feeling of "acting" and "lying" to my five old friends has strongly increased, SO MUCH I often just don't want to meet up anymore, don't want to hang out... (when we are it is, except for the constant "girl(s)"-ing and misgendering, great fun, and I realize I don't want to lose them. Ever. They mean too much to me. But I'm afraid I WILL lose them if I don't do something quick!)
Though as the days passed... fear of rejection was replaced by feelings of guilt, because THEY are five REALLY GOOD friends, and I haven't yet told them. They should have been the FIRST. And each day I feel like telling them is getting harder and harder.
I'm also going on a skiing holiday with one of them, and I feel like I REALLY have to tell them -her at least- BEFORE we go. I can't be stuck with one of my friends for a week and be misgendered all the time, and act like "all is fine", cause I KNOW beforehand that will drain me more than any amount of physical exercise. I'm very afraid they will feel... insulted, for only hearing it so late, though. But only time will tell.
(I also wrote a blogpost about this when it happened (the failed "coming out") which can be read here: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2013/07/weirdest-reaction-to-coming-out-ever.html)
However, there is still a bit of a nagging issue with my five oldest, and possibly even best friends. (though I don't like classifying anyone as a "best" friend, cause I all love ya' equally much for your own strengths and weaknesses!) Well, no matter whether you'd define them as "best" or not, they are still VERY GOOD friends, and we've been through an awful lot together. Needless to say, I do not want to lose them. And well, the issue is... THEY, out of all people, do not know yet.
Why have I "waited" you might wonder. And the thing is, I haven't. In fact, I desperately TRIED to come out to them more than a year ago, but wasn't ready yet, took a completely wrong approach, I failed, and never dared to confront them with it again. It went like this...
More than a year ago... I really wanted them to know, but also didn't feel strong enough yet to tell them in person or even simply send them an email or text. So instead of being a wise guy and just letting it rest, I wrote a journal on my DeviantArt profile, knowing there would be a large chance they'd see it. It wasn't even directed at them personally, and yet just the MERE THOUGHT they MIGHT read it made my hands shake and my heart pound more than a call from the VU does now. (and that's a big thing!)
They DID read it, as I suspected, and even left comments saying they'd talk to me about it next time we'd meet in person.
The stupid chicken as I was, I waited for THEM to take the initiative the next time we met up. I stimply did not have the balls (pun intended) to confront them myself. They did the exact same thing (can't blame them) and waited for me to take the lead, so... nothing happened. They must have assumed it wasn't important after all and I just put it away, not daring to bring it up ever again.
After that we just went on as if nothing happened. I knew they knew and they knew I knew, but it's like we both silently agreed to avoid the matter. That was all doable and good for me, after all, it was still very surrealistic in my daily life anyway. I still lived fully as a girl.
But now... things have changed. The wheels have been set in motion, I'm actually taking steps to become the guy that I am, I am being seen and addressed as a guy by my classmates and new(er) friends, and this whole trans thing is becoming much more REAL as for lately.
This makes that the feeling of "acting" and "lying" to my five old friends has strongly increased, SO MUCH I often just don't want to meet up anymore, don't want to hang out... (when we are it is, except for the constant "girl(s)"-ing and misgendering, great fun, and I realize I don't want to lose them. Ever. They mean too much to me. But I'm afraid I WILL lose them if I don't do something quick!)
Though as the days passed... fear of rejection was replaced by feelings of guilt, because THEY are five REALLY GOOD friends, and I haven't yet told them. They should have been the FIRST. And each day I feel like telling them is getting harder and harder.
I'm also going on a skiing holiday with one of them, and I feel like I REALLY have to tell them -her at least- BEFORE we go. I can't be stuck with one of my friends for a week and be misgendered all the time, and act like "all is fine", cause I KNOW beforehand that will drain me more than any amount of physical exercise. I'm very afraid they will feel... insulted, for only hearing it so late, though. But only time will tell.
(I also wrote a blogpost about this when it happened (the failed "coming out") which can be read here: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2013/07/weirdest-reaction-to-coming-out-ever.html)
woensdag 15 oktober 2014
Experiences at school, and second appointment at the VU!
Heya peeps! It has been quite a while again. I know, I know. But sometimes I just don't have much to talk about. That happens too, y'know.
Anyway, I started at my new study and school 1st of september this year. As some of you might remember, I was very nervous about it all. Sure, a new study, a new class and new school IS a big and scary change, but that wasn't the main cause of my nerves... it's that I finally started living full time as a guy at school, even though I'm still pre T. I was scared to be called all sorts of crap, scared that people would see me as a girl anyway, that I'd be bullied, that there would be gossip... the list goes on.
Now I am one and a half month into my new study, and all my fears have been blown away.
First of all, I just LOVE this study, I LOVE art academy and studying art and am VERY VERY happy I made this choice last year. No regrets whatsoever! Almost makes last year (biology) feel pretty bad, while that was (especially compared to high school) pretty awesome too.
On top of that, all my fears for them not accepting me and such appeared to be irrational. I haven't even told all of my classmates (just the ones that asked), and still... nobody even gives a fuck! They just accept me for who I am and don't even question why I'm such a "feminine looking" guy, or gossip about me, etc. I just feel so happy about this all!
I also feel very happy to finally live as a guy for a large part of my life now. Add that to the fact that this school and study are just RIGHT for me, makes that I've never enjoyed school more than this! Sure, I have lows too just as I have highs, but in general... right now I feel better, happier, more myself than ever before. I do not regret any of my descisions so far, even though they were hard to make, they were the RIGHT ones!
And second thing I wanted to share is... I GOT ANOTHER CALL! Yes, from the VU genderteam! Even a (tiny) bit before the three month mark, while the psych at the intake said "three to six months"! Such good news! This will be at the 6th of November, around 1 o clock, meaning it's during school time. But I don't think it's even possible to plan it outside of school hours, and all other people I spoke also took a day off from school those times. Well, one day a month... not a big issue.
Anyway... yup. Now the big waiting game is slowly beginning.
Anyway, I started at my new study and school 1st of september this year. As some of you might remember, I was very nervous about it all. Sure, a new study, a new class and new school IS a big and scary change, but that wasn't the main cause of my nerves... it's that I finally started living full time as a guy at school, even though I'm still pre T. I was scared to be called all sorts of crap, scared that people would see me as a girl anyway, that I'd be bullied, that there would be gossip... the list goes on.
Now I am one and a half month into my new study, and all my fears have been blown away.
First of all, I just LOVE this study, I LOVE art academy and studying art and am VERY VERY happy I made this choice last year. No regrets whatsoever! Almost makes last year (biology) feel pretty bad, while that was (especially compared to high school) pretty awesome too.
On top of that, all my fears for them not accepting me and such appeared to be irrational. I haven't even told all of my classmates (just the ones that asked), and still... nobody even gives a fuck! They just accept me for who I am and don't even question why I'm such a "feminine looking" guy, or gossip about me, etc. I just feel so happy about this all!
I also feel very happy to finally live as a guy for a large part of my life now. Add that to the fact that this school and study are just RIGHT for me, makes that I've never enjoyed school more than this! Sure, I have lows too just as I have highs, but in general... right now I feel better, happier, more myself than ever before. I do not regret any of my descisions so far, even though they were hard to make, they were the RIGHT ones!
And second thing I wanted to share is... I GOT ANOTHER CALL! Yes, from the VU genderteam! Even a (tiny) bit before the three month mark, while the psych at the intake said "three to six months"! Such good news! This will be at the 6th of November, around 1 o clock, meaning it's during school time. But I don't think it's even possible to plan it outside of school hours, and all other people I spoke also took a day off from school those times. Well, one day a month... not a big issue.
Anyway... yup. Now the big waiting game is slowly beginning.
vrijdag 3 oktober 2014
Coming out. Friends, family, neighbours?
I know it has been quite a long time since I have written a blog entry. I have been pretty busy with school and whatnot and just did not have much time and motivation to write.
Today I want to adress something EVERY transperson (and many non-transpeople for that matter) have to deal with: COMING OUT, and dealing with distant family, friends, and even neighbours. I will tell my own coming out stories so far, and also the difficulties I faced and still face in many coming outs to come. Here we go...
Coming out to...
Yourself
Before you can even TELL someone else, like friends or family, you have to acknowledge it for yourself. Often an underestimated step, as it is not noticable for the outside world, but it is the VERY FIRST step and thus also a very important one. Basically before you can come out to ANYONE, you have to come out to yourself first!
I did this about two years ago from now. At that time I still felt very awkward and even ashamed for my identity. When first taking steps to find out my gender identity I even felt bad when just typing "transgender" into the search field. I deeply did NOT WANT TO BE transgender. I felt like an abomination, a freak, a crazy circus attraction, if I would be trans. But how much I tried, I could not stuff those feelings away. They kept coming back to the surface, every time again.
So I searched. I researched. I thought. I ponderd. I felt. And accepted.
However, after this accepting, lots of time would pass until I felt strong and certain enough to tell my parents and friends...
The first other person
After you come out to yourself, the next step is to come out to someone you trust, a good friend, a parent, a family member... it could be anyone.
I first came out to my niece. She wasn't one of my best friends, nor one of my parents, and I don't even know why I picked her to first tell it to out of my own accord, but I just felt like she would accept it for some reason, and she did. We talked a lot about it, and she became my first supporter. I really needed that "back support" she, and later also her brother and parents, gave me.
Friends
Most of my friends who knew me from "before" know what's going on. Not all of them have fully adapted to it, but no one responded negatively or abandoned me. Some of them have swapped pronouns and name almost instantly (to those friends I'd like so say a loud: THANK YOU!), others have a bit more difficulty seeing me as a guy, but support whatever I'll decide to do. I will soon press them to adress me as a guy too, and just calmly correct them each time they get it wrong.
Not everybody knows though... actually I find it hardest to tell my best or at least longest-time friends, I don't know why... it should be the other way around. My five best high school friends are the only good friends that do not yet know, which makes me feel pretty bad. Maybe I am afraid our friendship won't be the same after they know... or they won't accept it... but I HAVE to tell, because if I won't... our friendship will definitely break. At first I was just afraid to lose them, now I feel that I just don't want to be around them as much anymore, because I constantly feel like "hiding a secret", and "acting", which is a real shame, as they are great people and we shared lots of awesome things together. I don't want to lose them because of this...
Parents
After her and some other friends, I came out to my parents. I had written a letter weeks before, and tried to tell it many days before already, but simply felt jammed. I couldn't say it, I was that scared. (and without reason too, since my parents are really accepting and just want me to be happy. Before I told them I already KNEW for sure they wouldn't hate or disown me)
One day I just said to myself "NOW I AM GOING TO TELL THEM! It's NOW or NEVER! I can't keep pushing it ahead any longer." and I tried again whole day, but couldn't. I have never felt more terrible ever in my life. Until at the end of the day, I just handed them the letter and went upstairs, shaking.
They took it well, like I expected, but we all still felt weird about it. I still felt like I was in the closet, basically. Eventually they eased up a bit. I started writing blogposts again, shared them with my dad, and didn't feel like I had to "hide" my binders and such anymore. We still have a long road ahead of us, as they still truly see me as their "daughter" (I feel like especially my mom finds it hard to let go), but I have the feeling that will also pass in time when everything becomes a bit more "real" for them too, like when I get my psychological tests and talks at the VU and such.
I am not yet going to tell them they HAVE to call me him and Erik, but that time WILL come pretty soon... as the more I start living as a guy, the more I hate being seen as a girl at home, though I also understand it is very difficult for them to just "swap" after 19 years.
New people?
I do not even "come out" to new people anymore. I introduce myself as a guy from start, because that makes ME feel better, and also makes it easier for both me and them when I will transition later. My new classmates and friends don't know me as anything but a guy, BUT... there is a but... since I am pre-T (pre hormones) I still look and sound rather... uhm... feminine. I feel very bad about it, but it's simply the reality. Thanks to this many people suspect something or figure it out anyway, and many of my new friends know I'm trans even though I introduced as a guy from start. I also feel a bit more at ease if they know, as then I don't have to worry about passing, being "man enough", etc. and just be myself. (yeah, I'm just no macho dude. I actually really hate macho guys. They are pretty darn annoying)
Difficulties... neighbours, parties, distant family...
A big difficulty I am hitting nowadays is... those "far away aqaintances" whom you see a few times of the year, have superficial talk with, and don't really want to share personal details of your life with, BUT who thus see you as the wrong sex and constantly misgender you, completely unaware of what's going on.
For me this shows up extra strongly at parties. Collections of people whom I hardly know or care about deeply, and actually don't want to tell such a personal thing... but when I'm there, talking with them, I really feel pretty bad. It's playing a role all over again. Smile n wave, smile n wave, nod, nod.
All these people asking you how life is coming along, and then having to pretend you are totally happy as your birth sex and just smile along... yes... that hurts.
I am not sure how I will go about on telling these people, I think I will just let them live in oblivion until I have the green light for hormones, and then I'll get a bunch of "hurray it's a boy" cards or something (maybe draw them myself? :P) and send them to everybody, explaing my situation. If SOMEONE is still misgendering me at that point I will also play no more "easy games" with them and just ignore them (or misgender THEM back, hah!) when they do so. Though I hope most people stop before that time... as it's still a long while away from now.
Anyway, that was it folks! If any of you have questions, suggestions for upcoming posts, or things you liked/disliked about this one, feel free to tell me in the comment section below, or ask me on facebook through a PM if it's more private.
Cheers,
Erik
Today I want to adress something EVERY transperson (and many non-transpeople for that matter) have to deal with: COMING OUT, and dealing with distant family, friends, and even neighbours. I will tell my own coming out stories so far, and also the difficulties I faced and still face in many coming outs to come. Here we go...
Coming out to...
Yourself
Before you can even TELL someone else, like friends or family, you have to acknowledge it for yourself. Often an underestimated step, as it is not noticable for the outside world, but it is the VERY FIRST step and thus also a very important one. Basically before you can come out to ANYONE, you have to come out to yourself first!
I did this about two years ago from now. At that time I still felt very awkward and even ashamed for my identity. When first taking steps to find out my gender identity I even felt bad when just typing "transgender" into the search field. I deeply did NOT WANT TO BE transgender. I felt like an abomination, a freak, a crazy circus attraction, if I would be trans. But how much I tried, I could not stuff those feelings away. They kept coming back to the surface, every time again.
So I searched. I researched. I thought. I ponderd. I felt. And accepted.
However, after this accepting, lots of time would pass until I felt strong and certain enough to tell my parents and friends...
The first other person
After you come out to yourself, the next step is to come out to someone you trust, a good friend, a parent, a family member... it could be anyone.
I first came out to my niece. She wasn't one of my best friends, nor one of my parents, and I don't even know why I picked her to first tell it to out of my own accord, but I just felt like she would accept it for some reason, and she did. We talked a lot about it, and she became my first supporter. I really needed that "back support" she, and later also her brother and parents, gave me.
Friends
Most of my friends who knew me from "before" know what's going on. Not all of them have fully adapted to it, but no one responded negatively or abandoned me. Some of them have swapped pronouns and name almost instantly (to those friends I'd like so say a loud: THANK YOU!), others have a bit more difficulty seeing me as a guy, but support whatever I'll decide to do. I will soon press them to adress me as a guy too, and just calmly correct them each time they get it wrong.
Not everybody knows though... actually I find it hardest to tell my best or at least longest-time friends, I don't know why... it should be the other way around. My five best high school friends are the only good friends that do not yet know, which makes me feel pretty bad. Maybe I am afraid our friendship won't be the same after they know... or they won't accept it... but I HAVE to tell, because if I won't... our friendship will definitely break. At first I was just afraid to lose them, now I feel that I just don't want to be around them as much anymore, because I constantly feel like "hiding a secret", and "acting", which is a real shame, as they are great people and we shared lots of awesome things together. I don't want to lose them because of this...
Parents
After her and some other friends, I came out to my parents. I had written a letter weeks before, and tried to tell it many days before already, but simply felt jammed. I couldn't say it, I was that scared. (and without reason too, since my parents are really accepting and just want me to be happy. Before I told them I already KNEW for sure they wouldn't hate or disown me)
One day I just said to myself "NOW I AM GOING TO TELL THEM! It's NOW or NEVER! I can't keep pushing it ahead any longer." and I tried again whole day, but couldn't. I have never felt more terrible ever in my life. Until at the end of the day, I just handed them the letter and went upstairs, shaking.
They took it well, like I expected, but we all still felt weird about it. I still felt like I was in the closet, basically. Eventually they eased up a bit. I started writing blogposts again, shared them with my dad, and didn't feel like I had to "hide" my binders and such anymore. We still have a long road ahead of us, as they still truly see me as their "daughter" (I feel like especially my mom finds it hard to let go), but I have the feeling that will also pass in time when everything becomes a bit more "real" for them too, like when I get my psychological tests and talks at the VU and such.
I am not yet going to tell them they HAVE to call me him and Erik, but that time WILL come pretty soon... as the more I start living as a guy, the more I hate being seen as a girl at home, though I also understand it is very difficult for them to just "swap" after 19 years.
New people?
I do not even "come out" to new people anymore. I introduce myself as a guy from start, because that makes ME feel better, and also makes it easier for both me and them when I will transition later. My new classmates and friends don't know me as anything but a guy, BUT... there is a but... since I am pre-T (pre hormones) I still look and sound rather... uhm... feminine. I feel very bad about it, but it's simply the reality. Thanks to this many people suspect something or figure it out anyway, and many of my new friends know I'm trans even though I introduced as a guy from start. I also feel a bit more at ease if they know, as then I don't have to worry about passing, being "man enough", etc. and just be myself. (yeah, I'm just no macho dude. I actually really hate macho guys. They are pretty darn annoying)
Difficulties... neighbours, parties, distant family...
A big difficulty I am hitting nowadays is... those "far away aqaintances" whom you see a few times of the year, have superficial talk with, and don't really want to share personal details of your life with, BUT who thus see you as the wrong sex and constantly misgender you, completely unaware of what's going on.
For me this shows up extra strongly at parties. Collections of people whom I hardly know or care about deeply, and actually don't want to tell such a personal thing... but when I'm there, talking with them, I really feel pretty bad. It's playing a role all over again. Smile n wave, smile n wave, nod, nod.
All these people asking you how life is coming along, and then having to pretend you are totally happy as your birth sex and just smile along... yes... that hurts.
I am not sure how I will go about on telling these people, I think I will just let them live in oblivion until I have the green light for hormones, and then I'll get a bunch of "hurray it's a boy" cards or something (maybe draw them myself? :P) and send them to everybody, explaing my situation. If SOMEONE is still misgendering me at that point I will also play no more "easy games" with them and just ignore them (or misgender THEM back, hah!) when they do so. Though I hope most people stop before that time... as it's still a long while away from now.
Anyway, that was it folks! If any of you have questions, suggestions for upcoming posts, or things you liked/disliked about this one, feel free to tell me in the comment section below, or ask me on facebook through a PM if it's more private.
Cheers,
Erik
dinsdag 16 september 2014
Third week of art academy
Okay, so after the intake the waiting game has begun. Wait till this, wait till that, and in the meantime... life goes on.
But that doesn't mean it goes out of my radar (hint: it never does), or I will stop moving, stop caring. Little things happened this week which I'd like to share with you guys.
As you might have read I have had art academy intro, it's about three weeks ago now, and also how nerve wrecking it was, and that a classmate said she thought I was "really a girl" and all, which really hit me hard.
The first week after that there were many more of those moments. Moments when I was too scared to continue, moments when I just wanted to go to a place where no one would ask me stuff about my gender. Like when I went to the toilet, some big bloke said "This is the mens", I just squeaked "I know" and ignored him for the rest, but booyy... I was really shocked! It also gave me quite bad dysphoria, as the man misgendered me even before I spoke, and thus I concluded I do not only not pass with my voice, but just NOT AT ALL. Nada. Yup man, that sucks.
Also did the classmate I told you all about earlier misgender me again, during a game of magic. BAM, there goes my concentration. Game of magic? Fuck magic. I just wanted to be alone at that moment.
A couple more of those kind of things happened, but ASIDE from those I had a good time. A much better time than uni intro (which was truly terrible! Not gonna exclude on that right now, but it wasn't fun), and the classes were awesome! (ahem, ARE awesome!)
Now we are a couple of weeks further, and the classmate who "really saw me as a girl" and kept misgendering me all the time now finally corrects herself. Sure, she still does it, but she corrects right after, which already means a lot to me, as it shows she understands what it means to me and is really trying. I don't know what made her shift like that, as I didn't speak to her about it, as I should have, but I am VERY glad for it!
Also are all people calling me Erik and acknowledging me as such. I am still kinda afraid they might have question marks or don't fully see me as a "real" guy, but maybe I'm just paranoid. I did not tell my whole class yet, and I am considering whether I should or not, and if yes, how and when.
Another thing is that I went to see the student councelor to speak about it all (she requested it herself), since there might be a chance my study gets delayed due transition (I hope not, but the chance definitely exists, so I should come forward with it in time).
She was quite respectful and understanding, and we talked a little. Only thing is she said my name really overly much, I feel like she was trying to signal she saw me as a guy n all, but it came across as a bit "too much". But at least she didn't tip it to the other way, heh.
Living as a guy prior to hormones is often scary, nerve wrecking and terrible, due bad passing (I personally feel like I do not pass at all, but that could also just be me), but when no one puts question marks at my name and gender I just feel SO good! I feel much stronger, happier, more at peace. Often people tell me they admire my courage for doing this, but I will honestly tell you all, it is not courage which drives me. It is pure self preservation.
But that doesn't mean it goes out of my radar (hint: it never does), or I will stop moving, stop caring. Little things happened this week which I'd like to share with you guys.
As you might have read I have had art academy intro, it's about three weeks ago now, and also how nerve wrecking it was, and that a classmate said she thought I was "really a girl" and all, which really hit me hard.
The first week after that there were many more of those moments. Moments when I was too scared to continue, moments when I just wanted to go to a place where no one would ask me stuff about my gender. Like when I went to the toilet, some big bloke said "This is the mens", I just squeaked "I know" and ignored him for the rest, but booyy... I was really shocked! It also gave me quite bad dysphoria, as the man misgendered me even before I spoke, and thus I concluded I do not only not pass with my voice, but just NOT AT ALL. Nada. Yup man, that sucks.
Also did the classmate I told you all about earlier misgender me again, during a game of magic. BAM, there goes my concentration. Game of magic? Fuck magic. I just wanted to be alone at that moment.
A couple more of those kind of things happened, but ASIDE from those I had a good time. A much better time than uni intro (which was truly terrible! Not gonna exclude on that right now, but it wasn't fun), and the classes were awesome! (ahem, ARE awesome!)
Now we are a couple of weeks further, and the classmate who "really saw me as a girl" and kept misgendering me all the time now finally corrects herself. Sure, she still does it, but she corrects right after, which already means a lot to me, as it shows she understands what it means to me and is really trying. I don't know what made her shift like that, as I didn't speak to her about it, as I should have, but I am VERY glad for it!
Also are all people calling me Erik and acknowledging me as such. I am still kinda afraid they might have question marks or don't fully see me as a "real" guy, but maybe I'm just paranoid. I did not tell my whole class yet, and I am considering whether I should or not, and if yes, how and when.
Another thing is that I went to see the student councelor to speak about it all (she requested it herself), since there might be a chance my study gets delayed due transition (I hope not, but the chance definitely exists, so I should come forward with it in time).
She was quite respectful and understanding, and we talked a little. Only thing is she said my name really overly much, I feel like she was trying to signal she saw me as a guy n all, but it came across as a bit "too much". But at least she didn't tip it to the other way, heh.
Living as a guy prior to hormones is often scary, nerve wrecking and terrible, due bad passing (I personally feel like I do not pass at all, but that could also just be me), but when no one puts question marks at my name and gender I just feel SO good! I feel much stronger, happier, more at peace. Often people tell me they admire my courage for doing this, but I will honestly tell you all, it is not courage which drives me. It is pure self preservation.
vrijdag 29 augustus 2014
Art Academy Intro!
Hey guys, I just had the intro for Art Academy. Actual classes and such will start monday the 1st, so after the weekend. But for me, THIS was the 'big thing', as I'd see my new classmates for the first time... as a guy!
I still dress the same way as I used to and always will, the big difference is that NORMALLY I don't actually say I'm a guy, either because people who know me from "before" are there, or because I am simply too scared they won't believe me.
I stepped over this fear this time, however, because I simply CAN NOT live this lie anymore and happily tell new friends I'm a girl and just ignore the way it makes me feel. I cannot live my life like it's a theatre show anymore.
Day 1
The first day, also the scariest day. I arrived at 13:00 at the main area and sat down with the rest to listen to some speech. All people whom I didn't know and who seemed to already be buddy-buddy together. During the speech I felt some stinging pains in my low belly area, and a slight feeling of wet dampness which I'd associate with wetting my pants IF I weren't an adult, and IF I weren't physically configured in such a way that I was shipped with a womb. In other words: I recognised this as the oh so dreaded Shark Week. While I sat there, a woman was rambling about something, it must have been important but it all flew past me. I didn't record a single word of it, and I was completely enveloped in my own world, which was crumbling down on me as she spoke. All I could think of was "Why now? Damn not now! Not now! Not now! Body STOP THIS NONSENSE! Aaaah!" or at least something in that nature.
As soon as the talking stopped, which felt like an eternity, I slipped into the men's toilet as quickly as I could, and because I had no pads or other shark week emergency stuff with me, I fixed something up with toilet paper. I felt sick and had quite bad cramps, add to that the dysphoria and you understand I just wanted to be alone, away from all these people whom I had never met.
My heart beat like crazy each time my name was called and even more if someone asked me what it was. I could just feel their stares, and I'd expect a "What? But you aint a guy!" any moment. But no one said anything. Not when I said my name, not when I went to the toilet in plain sight. Though the fear and the tenseness remained.
That day we gladly didn't walk around much, and we just got some easy but boring factual information about the study, the academy, and so forth.
Day 2
This day I prepared myself for the nightmare called shark week, but still I can never FULLY prepare.
We went on a trip through town, and visited various art exhibitions, I will spare you the details but they were really interesting.
We also had to walk INSANELY much though, and due to bad logistic planning we had to wait a lot. It was hot outside, and I was pretty much dying in my binder. I couldn't change my shark week stuff much, which nearly caused leakage and would have been my greatest nightmare ever. (leakage is BAD for a girl, but VERY VERY BAD for a guy) Also, changing pads in the men's toilet is HELL. For the people who are lucky enough to never have used or opened one, I tell you this: their packaging is everything BUT discrete. It is impossible to open and then replace them without making insanely loud tearing noises. SHRRRT SHRR SHRRRRRRRRT. Which is embarrassing enough in the women's toilets, but simply nerve wrecking in the men's. I mean, in the woman's, such sounds are normal, in the men's... god knows what they think you're doing. And if you already look and sound ambiguously male, well, they might add 1 and 1 up and start asking questions.
Aside from the heat, shark week, and some nerve wrecking moments, it was not a wholly bad day. My classmates are great, and the reason I feel uncomfortable comes from within me, not from them. I also felt a bit better and more open to interacting and talking that day, though at the end my energy reserves were completely wasted.
Day 3
This day we started a two-day surprise film project. We all had to bring unspecified "useful" things to use in the films we'd be making. There were several subjects, all pretty awesome in my opinion, and I picked the stop-motion (also because it was the only one where I wouldn't have to be on screen myself). Even though we were with a big group, discussing and idea-making went smooth, and we were overflowing with good ideas and enthusiasm. Also, the first two days of my shark week are always VERY intense and pretty dreadful, but the later days then quickly diminish in strength and intensity. So the cramps weren't as bad, and I only needed to change once. Still uncomfortable, but much better than the two previous days.
People also started calling me Erik when they saw me or wanted to ask me something, which was just great, and we worked together rather productively on our stop motion film. (it was really fun!)
I had a bit of a crisis moment at home when the pasta I had to make for the picnic (we were having a picnic and everybody had to bring something) seemed really screwed up, but when we mixed it with the rest it tasted pretty great.
Day 4
Today, and the last day of the intro. I went there much more at ease and with an enthusiastic mood this time, I really wanted to finish our stop motion film. Due to our great efficiency (I have never seen a group of 20 people (yes, that many picked stop motion!) be that efficient together! Wow!) we finished the filming far ahead of schedule. Some tech-savy people would do the editing, and we (the rest) had to wait till it was done, which was pretty boring and took ages, but also was a nice opportunity to talk with people a bit more.
However, then something happened which shook my world. I was showing my magic cards to a very nice Chinese girl (she also likes fantasy, gaming, the same kind of music, and MTG and I just had a good connection with her), we talked a bit about them and deck building, after which she said: 'Yeah, I was thinking about taking mine too, but I thought: 'SHE probably won't take HER decks anyway.'" She all said this rather quickly, followed by a smile, completely unaware of what her words had done. They hit me like two arrows, and I had to retreat to the toilet for a short while to get grips of myself again. I didn't understand why she called me "she" even though she knew my name was Erik, and I concluded I must simply NOT PASS AT ALL. Just not at all. I felt terrible. I wanted to go home. And I almost did, until at some moment when I was lazily drawing and talking a bit with some people, another girl clearly referred to me multiple times as "he" and "him" and "his work", as she did this it had the opposite effect to me. I started grinning widely, became more relaxed and open and chatted with her and some others quite a while. (about drawing, techniques, styles, art... kinda the stereotypical stuff you'd expect from art academy students, haha)
After that I felt so much better I decided to stay for dinner too (as they changed from pizza to risotto, making it gluten free!), and the Chinese girl now asked me how I got the name Erik, clearly noting that I am physically female and that she was confused by a female with a male name. While I was surrounded by some new friends, people I at least started to like and trust to a certain extend, I just decided to play open cards with her and tell it. I said "Yeah, yknow, you are probably confused about whether I am a boy or a girl, and you see... I am born a girl but I identify as a..." at that point the girl who called me he and him earlier interrupted and blurted out: "Just say you're transgender, that's clear enough!" everybody nodded and agreed, and she said she thought I looked very much male except for my voice. The Chinese girl, however, then said "I immediately saw you were a girl. You just are a girl." or something like that. Because I had started to like her in the past few days, I explained to her that I understood her opinion, but that it was extremely hurtful to me. She didn't say anything about it after that, and I still see her as a friend (unless she won't stop it), but it still really hit me hard. Yknow, I don't SHOW much when you call me female, I just twitch a bit, that's all, but what other people DON'T see is what goes on under the surface. A storm of dysphoria, doubt, fear, sadness... much more... is unleashed, and the moment it happened will keep cycling through my mind over and over and over and over again.
However I don't think that Chinese girl was really trying to hurt me, and everybody really responded positively and started calling me he and him more as well.
It wasn't all fun n games, but it was mainly good, and I think I'll just do a coming out to the rest of my classmates soon too, because then I can finally breathe again and stop worrying they might "see it", question me or misgender me. Then it's just clear for everyone why I have such a feminine voice and total lack of facial hair, and they (hopefully) won't doubt my gender anymore.
I still dress the same way as I used to and always will, the big difference is that NORMALLY I don't actually say I'm a guy, either because people who know me from "before" are there, or because I am simply too scared they won't believe me.
I stepped over this fear this time, however, because I simply CAN NOT live this lie anymore and happily tell new friends I'm a girl and just ignore the way it makes me feel. I cannot live my life like it's a theatre show anymore.
Day 1
The first day, also the scariest day. I arrived at 13:00 at the main area and sat down with the rest to listen to some speech. All people whom I didn't know and who seemed to already be buddy-buddy together. During the speech I felt some stinging pains in my low belly area, and a slight feeling of wet dampness which I'd associate with wetting my pants IF I weren't an adult, and IF I weren't physically configured in such a way that I was shipped with a womb. In other words: I recognised this as the oh so dreaded Shark Week. While I sat there, a woman was rambling about something, it must have been important but it all flew past me. I didn't record a single word of it, and I was completely enveloped in my own world, which was crumbling down on me as she spoke. All I could think of was "Why now? Damn not now! Not now! Not now! Body STOP THIS NONSENSE! Aaaah!" or at least something in that nature.
As soon as the talking stopped, which felt like an eternity, I slipped into the men's toilet as quickly as I could, and because I had no pads or other shark week emergency stuff with me, I fixed something up with toilet paper. I felt sick and had quite bad cramps, add to that the dysphoria and you understand I just wanted to be alone, away from all these people whom I had never met.
My heart beat like crazy each time my name was called and even more if someone asked me what it was. I could just feel their stares, and I'd expect a "What? But you aint a guy!" any moment. But no one said anything. Not when I said my name, not when I went to the toilet in plain sight. Though the fear and the tenseness remained.
That day we gladly didn't walk around much, and we just got some easy but boring factual information about the study, the academy, and so forth.
Day 2
This day I prepared myself for the nightmare called shark week, but still I can never FULLY prepare.
We went on a trip through town, and visited various art exhibitions, I will spare you the details but they were really interesting.
We also had to walk INSANELY much though, and due to bad logistic planning we had to wait a lot. It was hot outside, and I was pretty much dying in my binder. I couldn't change my shark week stuff much, which nearly caused leakage and would have been my greatest nightmare ever. (leakage is BAD for a girl, but VERY VERY BAD for a guy) Also, changing pads in the men's toilet is HELL. For the people who are lucky enough to never have used or opened one, I tell you this: their packaging is everything BUT discrete. It is impossible to open and then replace them without making insanely loud tearing noises. SHRRRT SHRR SHRRRRRRRRT. Which is embarrassing enough in the women's toilets, but simply nerve wrecking in the men's. I mean, in the woman's, such sounds are normal, in the men's... god knows what they think you're doing. And if you already look and sound ambiguously male, well, they might add 1 and 1 up and start asking questions.
Aside from the heat, shark week, and some nerve wrecking moments, it was not a wholly bad day. My classmates are great, and the reason I feel uncomfortable comes from within me, not from them. I also felt a bit better and more open to interacting and talking that day, though at the end my energy reserves were completely wasted.
Day 3
This day we started a two-day surprise film project. We all had to bring unspecified "useful" things to use in the films we'd be making. There were several subjects, all pretty awesome in my opinion, and I picked the stop-motion (also because it was the only one where I wouldn't have to be on screen myself). Even though we were with a big group, discussing and idea-making went smooth, and we were overflowing with good ideas and enthusiasm. Also, the first two days of my shark week are always VERY intense and pretty dreadful, but the later days then quickly diminish in strength and intensity. So the cramps weren't as bad, and I only needed to change once. Still uncomfortable, but much better than the two previous days.
People also started calling me Erik when they saw me or wanted to ask me something, which was just great, and we worked together rather productively on our stop motion film. (it was really fun!)
I had a bit of a crisis moment at home when the pasta I had to make for the picnic (we were having a picnic and everybody had to bring something) seemed really screwed up, but when we mixed it with the rest it tasted pretty great.
Day 4
Today, and the last day of the intro. I went there much more at ease and with an enthusiastic mood this time, I really wanted to finish our stop motion film. Due to our great efficiency (I have never seen a group of 20 people (yes, that many picked stop motion!) be that efficient together! Wow!) we finished the filming far ahead of schedule. Some tech-savy people would do the editing, and we (the rest) had to wait till it was done, which was pretty boring and took ages, but also was a nice opportunity to talk with people a bit more.
However, then something happened which shook my world. I was showing my magic cards to a very nice Chinese girl (she also likes fantasy, gaming, the same kind of music, and MTG and I just had a good connection with her), we talked a bit about them and deck building, after which she said: 'Yeah, I was thinking about taking mine too, but I thought: 'SHE probably won't take HER decks anyway.'" She all said this rather quickly, followed by a smile, completely unaware of what her words had done. They hit me like two arrows, and I had to retreat to the toilet for a short while to get grips of myself again. I didn't understand why she called me "she" even though she knew my name was Erik, and I concluded I must simply NOT PASS AT ALL. Just not at all. I felt terrible. I wanted to go home. And I almost did, until at some moment when I was lazily drawing and talking a bit with some people, another girl clearly referred to me multiple times as "he" and "him" and "his work", as she did this it had the opposite effect to me. I started grinning widely, became more relaxed and open and chatted with her and some others quite a while. (about drawing, techniques, styles, art... kinda the stereotypical stuff you'd expect from art academy students, haha)
After that I felt so much better I decided to stay for dinner too (as they changed from pizza to risotto, making it gluten free!), and the Chinese girl now asked me how I got the name Erik, clearly noting that I am physically female and that she was confused by a female with a male name. While I was surrounded by some new friends, people I at least started to like and trust to a certain extend, I just decided to play open cards with her and tell it. I said "Yeah, yknow, you are probably confused about whether I am a boy or a girl, and you see... I am born a girl but I identify as a..." at that point the girl who called me he and him earlier interrupted and blurted out: "Just say you're transgender, that's clear enough!" everybody nodded and agreed, and she said she thought I looked very much male except for my voice. The Chinese girl, however, then said "I immediately saw you were a girl. You just are a girl." or something like that. Because I had started to like her in the past few days, I explained to her that I understood her opinion, but that it was extremely hurtful to me. She didn't say anything about it after that, and I still see her as a friend (unless she won't stop it), but it still really hit me hard. Yknow, I don't SHOW much when you call me female, I just twitch a bit, that's all, but what other people DON'T see is what goes on under the surface. A storm of dysphoria, doubt, fear, sadness... much more... is unleashed, and the moment it happened will keep cycling through my mind over and over and over and over again.
However I don't think that Chinese girl was really trying to hurt me, and everybody really responded positively and started calling me he and him more as well.
It wasn't all fun n games, but it was mainly good, and I think I'll just do a coming out to the rest of my classmates soon too, because then I can finally breathe again and stop worrying they might "see it", question me or misgender me. Then it's just clear for everyone why I have such a feminine voice and total lack of facial hair, and they (hopefully) won't doubt my gender anymore.
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