Hey guys, I just had the intro for Art Academy. Actual classes and such will start monday the 1st, so after the weekend. But for me, THIS was the 'big thing', as I'd see my new classmates for the first time... as a guy!
I still dress the same way as I used to and always will, the big difference is that NORMALLY I don't actually say I'm a guy, either because people who know me from "before" are there, or because I am simply too scared they won't believe me.
I stepped over this fear this time, however, because I simply CAN NOT live this lie anymore and happily tell new friends I'm a girl and just ignore the way it makes me feel. I cannot live my life like it's a theatre show anymore.
Day 1
The first day, also the scariest day. I arrived at 13:00 at the main area and sat down with the rest to listen to some speech. All people whom I didn't know and who seemed to already be buddy-buddy together. During the speech I felt some stinging pains in my low belly area, and a slight feeling of wet dampness which I'd associate with wetting my pants IF I weren't an adult, and IF I weren't physically configured in such a way that I was shipped with a womb. In other words: I recognised this as the oh so dreaded Shark Week. While I sat there, a woman was rambling about something, it must have been important but it all flew past me. I didn't record a single word of it, and I was completely enveloped in my own world, which was crumbling down on me as she spoke. All I could think of was "Why now? Damn not now! Not now! Not now! Body STOP THIS NONSENSE! Aaaah!" or at least something in that nature.
As soon as the talking stopped, which felt like an eternity, I slipped into the men's toilet as quickly as I could, and because I had no pads or other shark week emergency stuff with me, I fixed something up with toilet paper. I felt sick and had quite bad cramps, add to that the dysphoria and you understand I just wanted to be alone, away from all these people whom I had never met.
My heart beat like crazy each time my name was called and even more if someone asked me what it was. I could just feel their stares, and I'd expect a "What? But you aint a guy!" any moment. But no one said anything. Not when I said my name, not when I went to the toilet in plain sight. Though the fear and the tenseness remained.
That day we gladly didn't walk around much, and we just got some easy but boring factual information about the study, the academy, and so forth.
Day 2
This day I prepared myself for the nightmare called shark week, but still I can never FULLY prepare.
We went on a trip through town, and visited various art exhibitions, I will spare you the details but they were really interesting.
We also had to walk INSANELY much though, and due to bad logistic planning we had to wait a lot. It was hot outside, and I was pretty much dying in my binder. I couldn't change my shark week stuff much, which nearly caused leakage and would have been my greatest nightmare ever. (leakage is BAD for a girl, but VERY VERY BAD for a guy) Also, changing pads in the men's toilet is HELL. For the people who are lucky enough to never have used or opened one, I tell you this: their packaging is everything BUT discrete. It is impossible to open and then replace them without making insanely loud tearing noises. SHRRRT SHRR SHRRRRRRRRT. Which is embarrassing enough in the women's toilets, but simply nerve wrecking in the men's. I mean, in the woman's, such sounds are normal, in the men's... god knows what they think you're doing. And if you already look and sound ambiguously male, well, they might add 1 and 1 up and start asking questions.
Aside from the heat, shark week, and some nerve wrecking moments, it was not a wholly bad day. My classmates are great, and the reason I feel uncomfortable comes from within me, not from them. I also felt a bit better and more open to interacting and talking that day, though at the end my energy reserves were completely wasted.
Day 3
This day we started a two-day surprise film project. We all had to bring unspecified "useful" things to use in the films we'd be making. There were several subjects, all pretty awesome in my opinion, and I picked the stop-motion (also because it was the only one where I wouldn't have to be on screen myself). Even though we were with a big group, discussing and idea-making went smooth, and we were overflowing with good ideas and enthusiasm. Also, the first two days of my shark week are always VERY intense and pretty dreadful, but the later days then quickly diminish in strength and intensity. So the cramps weren't as bad, and I only needed to change once. Still uncomfortable, but much better than the two previous days.
People also started calling me Erik when they saw me or wanted to ask me something, which was just great, and we worked together rather productively on our stop motion film. (it was really fun!)
I had a bit of a crisis moment at home when the pasta I had to make for the picnic (we were having a picnic and everybody had to bring something) seemed really screwed up, but when we mixed it with the rest it tasted pretty great.
Day 4
Today, and the last day of the intro. I went there much more at ease and with an enthusiastic mood this time, I really wanted to finish our stop motion film. Due to our great efficiency (I have never seen a group of 20 people (yes, that many picked stop motion!) be that efficient together! Wow!) we finished the filming far ahead of schedule. Some tech-savy people would do the editing, and we (the rest) had to wait till it was done, which was pretty boring and took ages, but also was a nice opportunity to talk with people a bit more.
However, then something happened which shook my world. I was showing my magic cards to a very nice Chinese girl (she also likes fantasy, gaming, the same kind of music, and MTG and I just had a good connection with her), we talked a bit about them and deck building, after which she said: 'Yeah, I was thinking about taking mine too, but I thought: 'SHE probably won't take HER decks anyway.'" She all said this rather quickly, followed by a smile, completely unaware of what her words had done. They hit me like two arrows, and I had to retreat to the toilet for a short while to get grips of myself again. I didn't understand why she called me "she" even though she knew my name was Erik, and I concluded I must simply NOT PASS AT ALL. Just not at all. I felt terrible. I wanted to go home. And I almost did, until at some moment when I was lazily drawing and talking a bit with some people, another girl clearly referred to me multiple times as "he" and "him" and "his work", as she did this it had the opposite effect to me. I started grinning widely, became more relaxed and open and chatted with her and some others quite a while. (about drawing, techniques, styles, art... kinda the stereotypical stuff you'd expect from art academy students, haha)
After that I felt so much better I decided to stay for dinner too (as they changed from pizza to risotto, making it gluten free!), and the Chinese girl now asked me how I got the name Erik, clearly noting that I am physically female and that she was confused by a female with a male name. While I was surrounded by some new friends, people I at least started to like and trust to a certain extend, I just decided to play open cards with her and tell it. I said "Yeah, yknow, you are probably confused about whether I am a boy or a girl, and you see... I am born a girl but I identify as a..." at that point the girl who called me he and him earlier interrupted and blurted out: "Just say you're transgender, that's clear enough!" everybody nodded and agreed, and she said she thought I looked very much male except for my voice. The Chinese girl, however, then said "I immediately saw you were a girl. You just are a girl." or something like that. Because I had started to like her in the past few days, I explained to her that I understood her opinion, but that it was extremely hurtful to me. She didn't say anything about it after that, and I still see her as a friend (unless she won't stop it), but it still really hit me hard. Yknow, I don't SHOW much when you call me female, I just twitch a bit, that's all, but what other people DON'T see is what goes on under the surface. A storm of dysphoria, doubt, fear, sadness... much more... is unleashed, and the moment it happened will keep cycling through my mind over and over and over and over again.
However I don't think that Chinese girl was really trying to hurt me, and everybody really responded positively and started calling me he and him more as well.
It wasn't all fun n games, but it was mainly good, and I think I'll just do a coming out to the rest of my classmates soon too, because then I can finally breathe again and stop worrying they might "see it", question me or misgender me. Then it's just clear for everyone why I have such a feminine voice and total lack of facial hair, and they (hopefully) won't doubt my gender anymore.
vrijdag 29 augustus 2014
dinsdag 19 augustus 2014
Just had my intake!!!
Okay guys, I am VERY happy to say: I FINALLY had my intake at the VUMC genderteam! (wooot!)
For the people who didn't follow what happened, there were issues with my medical records, which caused the intake to be postponed. If you want to know the details please check out: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2014/07/a-little-status-update.html
I sent the Genderteam like four emails asking whether the refferal letter was enough, and if they could please reply, I got nothing but a complete radio silence. Because I am terrified of calling, I thought mailing would be fine, but since they didn't answer even after four emails and four weeks waiting, I realized I really HAD to give them a call, no matter how much I dreaded it.
I first called them saturday, but got a tape saying they couldn't answer until monday, oops, yes, of course, that makes total sense. So monday I quickly called them again. Shaking and with sweaty palms I explained what was going on to the lady on the telephone, after which she expressed her understanding of my frustrations, and suggested to re-send the "machtiging" paper. I agreed and hung up.
Just a mere minute later I got a call, it was the VU again, same lady, saying they already appeared to have a scan of a letter from my GP, so that they COULD in fact plan my intake. I am pretty certain this is the exact same scan as I sent them MYSELF four weeks ago. She first tried to plan me on thursday, but the computer gave an error, and I said I really preferred to be helped before the start of semester. She understood this and said there was in fact a free slot tomorrow (thus today) morning. A bit bewildered by how quick it suddenly went, after just ONE phone call, I happily agreed.
What have I learned from this? You may ask. That you can mail the VU a thousand times and not be heard, and they will only run for you when you call. So I advice to ANYONE just starting, like me, to CALL whenever they don't reply right away. I totally feel you on how terrible it is, but it REALLY works wonders, as you see.
Anyway, now onto the actual intake, which I had just a couple hours ago from the moment I write this.
They told me I had to arrive at 10, fill in some questionnaires, take a picture, and have a talk with a psychologist. Everything went exactly that way.
I arrived 30 minutes late due to traffic, but it was no problem, and almost right away when I walked in I could start the questionnaire, and have my photo taken. (I was really nervous. When they asked me for my birthdate I didn't even know it, I was that stressed, lol) The questions varied from factual (what is your nationality, how old are you, have you had this, this or this illness) to quite personal (do you masturbate, do you have sexual dreams, have you been abused in your childhood in this, this or this way), and many of them where exactly the same, just formulated differently. Anyway, it wasn't such a big deal, I finished in about 40 minutes.
After that I returned the questionnaire and had a short talk with an MTF girl who recognised me, but we had only sat down and started to talk for like a minute or so when my name (my surname!) was called again, by the psychologist this time.
She was very nice and respectful, by no means 'forcing' me into specific answers, and explaining the time span and nature of the trajectory once again (I already knew most of it, but it's nice to hear it from an actual living being too). She basically went over the questionnaire questions once more, and wrote down the more detailed answers I gave. Actually after I got over my initial fear I kinda liked it to talk with someone about these things, her understanding attitude made me feel more at ease than I would have expected.
She said she thought I was in the right place, and unless I would suddenly develop depression, doubt, phobias or other issues the diagnostic phase would most likely be sorted out relatively quickly. (6 months MINIMUM, maximum... as much as is needed.), after which I can start the so-called "real-life phase" where I will get male hormones and am required to live as male full-time (hah, lol, I plan to do so before the start of the official real life phase, thank you), at that point I will also be able to change my legal name and sex to Male and Erik (she said I could also do it now, but it would cost me over 200 euro's, whereas it would be 65 later). When the real life phase is successful, and I have been in it for AT LEAST a year, I will be allowed to get surgeries. Most likely I will take the top, and won't take the phallo, due to rather disappointing results, and maybe the meta if my anatomy allows for it, but I don't exclude anything now. (Top= chesticle removal, phallo/meta/bottom= penis creation) I told her this as well, and she said that won't be a problem, and I can decide for myself which treatments I want/don't want.
After that she said the approximate waiting list for the first talk right now is 3 to 6 months, and they will give me a call when it's my turn.
So folks, that's it. THAT WAS IT. Not much of a big deal in the end. But I am very glad I have it behind me now and can start waiting for the start of the ACTUAL diagnostic process. Overall it left me feeling very good, and I know a lot of people aren't happy with the VU, but SO FAR I am quite content and I don't recognise much of other people's complains (yet?). I hope it will stay this way. :)
On another, slightly offtopic note, I have a question for all of you.
As many of you know I will be starting my new study (illustration!) as Erik. However, as ALL of you probably know, I am still pre-hormones, which means I look and especially SOUND quite feminine/young for a dude of 19 yrs. I am rather torn about what I should tell my classmates, some people suggest to just say I have a "hormone problem" (which basically IS true... in a certain way) and just tell good friends I'm born a girl, the psych at the VU, however, suggested me to just tell them as soon as possible, since people might gossip behind my back and give me more shit for it when I'd actuall be open about it.
However, my 'problem' with this is that it is 1) FCKING SCARY and 2) I don't want to become "that transperson" or even worse: "That dude who is actually a girl", I just want to be a NORMAL (and kinda crazy, geeky and alternative) guy, not "That guy who was born a girl" or "that girl who says she's a guy". However saying I have a hormone problem feels a lot like lying.
What should I do? And IF I should tell them, when? Right away? After a while? When they ask??
For the people who didn't follow what happened, there were issues with my medical records, which caused the intake to be postponed. If you want to know the details please check out: http://thetranshippie.blogspot.nl/2014/07/a-little-status-update.html
I sent the Genderteam like four emails asking whether the refferal letter was enough, and if they could please reply, I got nothing but a complete radio silence. Because I am terrified of calling, I thought mailing would be fine, but since they didn't answer even after four emails and four weeks waiting, I realized I really HAD to give them a call, no matter how much I dreaded it.
I first called them saturday, but got a tape saying they couldn't answer until monday, oops, yes, of course, that makes total sense. So monday I quickly called them again. Shaking and with sweaty palms I explained what was going on to the lady on the telephone, after which she expressed her understanding of my frustrations, and suggested to re-send the "machtiging" paper. I agreed and hung up.
Just a mere minute later I got a call, it was the VU again, same lady, saying they already appeared to have a scan of a letter from my GP, so that they COULD in fact plan my intake. I am pretty certain this is the exact same scan as I sent them MYSELF four weeks ago. She first tried to plan me on thursday, but the computer gave an error, and I said I really preferred to be helped before the start of semester. She understood this and said there was in fact a free slot tomorrow (thus today) morning. A bit bewildered by how quick it suddenly went, after just ONE phone call, I happily agreed.
What have I learned from this? You may ask. That you can mail the VU a thousand times and not be heard, and they will only run for you when you call. So I advice to ANYONE just starting, like me, to CALL whenever they don't reply right away. I totally feel you on how terrible it is, but it REALLY works wonders, as you see.
Anyway, now onto the actual intake, which I had just a couple hours ago from the moment I write this.
They told me I had to arrive at 10, fill in some questionnaires, take a picture, and have a talk with a psychologist. Everything went exactly that way.
I arrived 30 minutes late due to traffic, but it was no problem, and almost right away when I walked in I could start the questionnaire, and have my photo taken. (I was really nervous. When they asked me for my birthdate I didn't even know it, I was that stressed, lol) The questions varied from factual (what is your nationality, how old are you, have you had this, this or this illness) to quite personal (do you masturbate, do you have sexual dreams, have you been abused in your childhood in this, this or this way), and many of them where exactly the same, just formulated differently. Anyway, it wasn't such a big deal, I finished in about 40 minutes.
After that I returned the questionnaire and had a short talk with an MTF girl who recognised me, but we had only sat down and started to talk for like a minute or so when my name (my surname!) was called again, by the psychologist this time.
She was very nice and respectful, by no means 'forcing' me into specific answers, and explaining the time span and nature of the trajectory once again (I already knew most of it, but it's nice to hear it from an actual living being too). She basically went over the questionnaire questions once more, and wrote down the more detailed answers I gave. Actually after I got over my initial fear I kinda liked it to talk with someone about these things, her understanding attitude made me feel more at ease than I would have expected.
She said she thought I was in the right place, and unless I would suddenly develop depression, doubt, phobias or other issues the diagnostic phase would most likely be sorted out relatively quickly. (6 months MINIMUM, maximum... as much as is needed.), after which I can start the so-called "real-life phase" where I will get male hormones and am required to live as male full-time (hah, lol, I plan to do so before the start of the official real life phase, thank you), at that point I will also be able to change my legal name and sex to Male and Erik (she said I could also do it now, but it would cost me over 200 euro's, whereas it would be 65 later). When the real life phase is successful, and I have been in it for AT LEAST a year, I will be allowed to get surgeries. Most likely I will take the top, and won't take the phallo, due to rather disappointing results, and maybe the meta if my anatomy allows for it, but I don't exclude anything now. (Top= chesticle removal, phallo/meta/bottom= penis creation) I told her this as well, and she said that won't be a problem, and I can decide for myself which treatments I want/don't want.
After that she said the approximate waiting list for the first talk right now is 3 to 6 months, and they will give me a call when it's my turn.
So folks, that's it. THAT WAS IT. Not much of a big deal in the end. But I am very glad I have it behind me now and can start waiting for the start of the ACTUAL diagnostic process. Overall it left me feeling very good, and I know a lot of people aren't happy with the VU, but SO FAR I am quite content and I don't recognise much of other people's complains (yet?). I hope it will stay this way. :)
On another, slightly offtopic note, I have a question for all of you.
As many of you know I will be starting my new study (illustration!) as Erik. However, as ALL of you probably know, I am still pre-hormones, which means I look and especially SOUND quite feminine/young for a dude of 19 yrs. I am rather torn about what I should tell my classmates, some people suggest to just say I have a "hormone problem" (which basically IS true... in a certain way) and just tell good friends I'm born a girl, the psych at the VU, however, suggested me to just tell them as soon as possible, since people might gossip behind my back and give me more shit for it when I'd actuall be open about it.
However, my 'problem' with this is that it is 1) FCKING SCARY and 2) I don't want to become "that transperson" or even worse: "That dude who is actually a girl", I just want to be a NORMAL (and kinda crazy, geeky and alternative) guy, not "That guy who was born a girl" or "that girl who says she's a guy". However saying I have a hormone problem feels a lot like lying.
What should I do? And IF I should tell them, when? Right away? After a while? When they ask??
maandag 18 augustus 2014
Why do we give EVERYTHING a gender?
This is most likely something many average "normal" people don't even notice, let alone be bothered by it. But me, as a transperson (and most likely anyone crossing gender norms), am very frustrated and confused by this.
Our society has an almost compulsive need to assign EVERYTHING to a set gender, even if the object in question has nothing to do with sex or gender. Yes, sure, tampons are most likely only going to be bought by women (or men who buy it for their girlfriend/sister/mother?), and it makes no sense to market condoms towards women. But why do we need to assign a gender to children's toys? Or clothes? Or even worse: SOCKS.
I mean, what the heck? Socks? Seriously? Whenever I shop for socks I see packages "women's socks" and "men's socks", and no matter how close I look, I simply cannot find a difference or a reason why they are split into "men's" and "women's".
Also clothes... yes, I know "women's" clothes look different than "men's", but what does it matter? Why don't throw it onto one big pile 'o "clothes" and let people search through it what they like most.
Cars, games, furniture, and movies don't have a "gender" set on them either. Yeah, sure, some movies are more popular among women and some more popular among men, but when you walk into a cinema or DVD store you won't see "Men's movies" "Women's movies".
Why am I even so upset about this? You might wonder. Well, I am because these gender labels seem to imply we have no choice, like women HAVE to buy "women's" stuff and men HAVE to buy "men's stuff". Right now I just buy, use and wear whatever the crap I like, but when I was still a little kid I actually felt like I wasn't ALLOWED to wear "boys" clothes, even though they looked much better and I preferred them. As far as I remember, all my boy's clothes were hand-me-downs from friends and family, because for some reason buying new things from the boy's department is not ok, while getting them secondhand is. Weird world...
Gladly I still had plenty of other opportunities to express myself, and my parents never held me back to do stuff I liked. (if it wasn't dangerous, unhealthy or expensive, that is)
Right now, things like clothing are less of an issue. As no one can forbid me to wear men's clothes regardless of my sex. However a problem regarding public toilets, for example, remains. I tell you, they are an utter NIGHTMARE. As right now... I fit in both and I fit in neither (I must be a subatomic particle...), and I simply don't see why we can't have all unisex toilets, or at least ONE unisex toilet next to the men's and women's. To "normal" average people that might seem like an overkill, but it would GREATLY help me, other transpeople, genderqueer people, agender people, and basically all other people with a gender identity different than male or female or one misaligned with their bodies.
Our society has an almost compulsive need to assign EVERYTHING to a set gender, even if the object in question has nothing to do with sex or gender. Yes, sure, tampons are most likely only going to be bought by women (or men who buy it for their girlfriend/sister/mother?), and it makes no sense to market condoms towards women. But why do we need to assign a gender to children's toys? Or clothes? Or even worse: SOCKS.
I mean, what the heck? Socks? Seriously? Whenever I shop for socks I see packages "women's socks" and "men's socks", and no matter how close I look, I simply cannot find a difference or a reason why they are split into "men's" and "women's".
Also clothes... yes, I know "women's" clothes look different than "men's", but what does it matter? Why don't throw it onto one big pile 'o "clothes" and let people search through it what they like most.
Cars, games, furniture, and movies don't have a "gender" set on them either. Yeah, sure, some movies are more popular among women and some more popular among men, but when you walk into a cinema or DVD store you won't see "Men's movies" "Women's movies".
Why am I even so upset about this? You might wonder. Well, I am because these gender labels seem to imply we have no choice, like women HAVE to buy "women's" stuff and men HAVE to buy "men's stuff". Right now I just buy, use and wear whatever the crap I like, but when I was still a little kid I actually felt like I wasn't ALLOWED to wear "boys" clothes, even though they looked much better and I preferred them. As far as I remember, all my boy's clothes were hand-me-downs from friends and family, because for some reason buying new things from the boy's department is not ok, while getting them secondhand is. Weird world...
Gladly I still had plenty of other opportunities to express myself, and my parents never held me back to do stuff I liked. (if it wasn't dangerous, unhealthy or expensive, that is)
Right now, things like clothing are less of an issue. As no one can forbid me to wear men's clothes regardless of my sex. However a problem regarding public toilets, for example, remains. I tell you, they are an utter NIGHTMARE. As right now... I fit in both and I fit in neither (I must be a subatomic particle...), and I simply don't see why we can't have all unisex toilets, or at least ONE unisex toilet next to the men's and women's. To "normal" average people that might seem like an overkill, but it would GREATLY help me, other transpeople, genderqueer people, agender people, and basically all other people with a gender identity different than male or female or one misaligned with their bodies.
maandag 28 juli 2014
Visit to the GP, and... the post lost my letter!
An update on how things are over here.
Okay, so first of all, GOOD NEWS!
There is also bad news, however.
Namely, the letter that grants the VU the right to see my medical file apparently got lost in the post, as neither THEY, nor I, nor the GP has it.
When I just signed in, they told me they would call to make an appointment for the intake BEFORE 14th of July, so I waited. And waited. And waited. 14th of July passes, still no call. I begin to get worried, and contact them myself to ask what's up. I get the answer that they don't have my medical records yet, and thus cannot make an appointment, while I DID send it, signed and everything.
Then another week passes. I know I have to contact my GP, but I am too afraid and procrastinate it. Until I know I have no choice. (this is a reoccurring problem in my life...)
I make an appointment with my GP, the nearest date is almost a week later, and A DAY before we leave on holiday, to make the stress-fest complete.
Arriving there, I have a very good talk and she was very understanding of it all, HOWEVER, when I said they had to see my medical file, and the rights-letter (don't know the English term folks, it's a "machtiging" in Dutch) didn't arrive at the VU, they said they didn't have it either (I am almost starting to wonder I maybe slit it in the wrong postbox slot). When I asked whether she could just give that permission NOW anyway (as I was there in person, sure I could testify it was OK), she said it is very unusual to give full access to someone's medical records, as it is rather personal, and often a lot of it is irrelevant for the situation, so she refused to grant that until more was clear about WHAT they exactly wanted from my medical records.
Stupidly enough, I made no copy of the letter I had to sign, thus I have no idea what it said EXACTLY, and thus I have to wait for a response from the VU.
I sent the genderteam an email explaining everything in detail, and asking on how I should proceed now, but I still have no reply. In the meanwhile... the clock is counting down till the holiday.
I am rather stressed about this, as I have no idea what they exactly want, how my letter got lost in the post, and when I can get my intake.
It was a big and difficult step to go to the GP, and I am glad I did it, but I am not glad I STILL have a few issues unanswered. I hope everything ends all right anyway, only time can tell.
Okay, so first of all, GOOD NEWS!
- I bought a rashguard, so I can feel better while swimming. Though I hoped it would compress a bit as well (which it doesnt), so I wouldn't need a binder, I am still very happy with it. I really want to test it sometime soon!
- Secondly, I went to the GP, and got the referral letter for the VU. I was quite stressed about it, and when she asked me what I needed a referral for, I literally couldn't say a word, it was that hard. But my dad had come with me, and he saved me. After she knew what it was for she asked lots of questions, to be sure I know what I'm talking about and am certain, etc. and after that wished me luck and wrote the letter. She was very understanding and nice, and I feel like I am starting to slowly open up to my parents as well, which really makes me happy. There is still a long road ahead of me, but I will get there.
There is also bad news, however.
Namely, the letter that grants the VU the right to see my medical file apparently got lost in the post, as neither THEY, nor I, nor the GP has it.
When I just signed in, they told me they would call to make an appointment for the intake BEFORE 14th of July, so I waited. And waited. And waited. 14th of July passes, still no call. I begin to get worried, and contact them myself to ask what's up. I get the answer that they don't have my medical records yet, and thus cannot make an appointment, while I DID send it, signed and everything.
Then another week passes. I know I have to contact my GP, but I am too afraid and procrastinate it. Until I know I have no choice. (this is a reoccurring problem in my life...)
I make an appointment with my GP, the nearest date is almost a week later, and A DAY before we leave on holiday, to make the stress-fest complete.
Arriving there, I have a very good talk and she was very understanding of it all, HOWEVER, when I said they had to see my medical file, and the rights-letter (don't know the English term folks, it's a "machtiging" in Dutch) didn't arrive at the VU, they said they didn't have it either (I am almost starting to wonder I maybe slit it in the wrong postbox slot). When I asked whether she could just give that permission NOW anyway (as I was there in person, sure I could testify it was OK), she said it is very unusual to give full access to someone's medical records, as it is rather personal, and often a lot of it is irrelevant for the situation, so she refused to grant that until more was clear about WHAT they exactly wanted from my medical records.
Stupidly enough, I made no copy of the letter I had to sign, thus I have no idea what it said EXACTLY, and thus I have to wait for a response from the VU.
I sent the genderteam an email explaining everything in detail, and asking on how I should proceed now, but I still have no reply. In the meanwhile... the clock is counting down till the holiday.
I am rather stressed about this, as I have no idea what they exactly want, how my letter got lost in the post, and when I can get my intake.
It was a big and difficult step to go to the GP, and I am glad I did it, but I am not glad I STILL have a few issues unanswered. I hope everything ends all right anyway, only time can tell.
vrijdag 11 juli 2014
Living a double life
First of all... sorry for the long silence. I had some personal issues that made focussing on my blog (or art) really difficult. Also have I gotten a little pet ratty, Zelda, who has been taking a lot of attention. I am going to get her a friend this week, hopefully she will feel less lonely then. (yup, I know, never keep rats on their own. Learned that a little bit too late)
One of the things I wanted to address today is a difficulty I have to deal with quite a lot lately. Seemingly living "two lives in one".
In this early phase of coming out and transition there are many people who I am not out to, a bunch whom I am out to but still treat me as female, a few who I am out to who DO see me as male now, and some who simply never knew me as female.
Thanks to this I live both as male and female depending on the circumstances and people I am with. Especially the latter (living as female) is getting more and more unpleasant due being able to interact with people as male. Like, you get a taste of a lollipop, but then it's pulled away from you again.
If I have to "be female" now it feels even more like a show. A theatre act. A mask.
But as male I do not feel fully at ease now either, this has more to do with the feeling of not being a "proper male" rather than not wanting to be/feeling male. I feel very bad for my body, but aside from my genes and downstairs I don't think I have a particularly feminine physical makeup. Not very masucline either, just... very androgynous.
My voice, however, is the worst of it all. I feel like I have an ultra high sissy voice, and even though THAT might be overreacting/non-realistic viewing from my side, anyone who has heard it will probably acknowledge that I DO have a pretty "normal female voice".
In fact, people often mistake me for my mom over the phone, or tell me I have a "beautiful girl/woman's voice". Of course people saying that are trying to make me feel good, but they don't. In fact they only confirm my insecurities I have about my voice.
Right now I feel like I'm in a "twilight zone" of being male and female. I feel like right now I fit both boxes and neither boxes. My outside reflects female, but how I feel within is male. I cannot live as female, because -obviously- I AM not female. It makes me very unhappy to live like that all the time. But I cannot properly live as male either due the way I look and sound. Basically I'm stuck in limbo, and I HATE it!
Also another difficulty is that the friends/people who see me as male will not, should not and can not ever mix with the people/friends who see me as female, as that will weird out both groups (and me!). I find it hard when a friend who sees me fully as male comes over, because my parents don't see me as such yet (even though I told them. I guess they just need time to adjust), but when a friend who sees me as female comes over I find it hard TOO, because that means I have to play a role again.
It gives me a bad taste in my mouth and a stone in my stomach when I have to fill in my legal name somewhere, but when I fill in Erik I am also very afraid/paranoid someone will come up to me and say "Are you crazy? You aren't a guy!". Same for public toilets. I don't feel at home in the women's, but I am afraid someone will clock me in the men's. Basically I can go no-where now. I fit no where. That is right now one of the biggest difficulties I am facing in this early phase of (social) transition.
I just want... to be able to be myself without having to "prove" anything, without having anyone "second guess" me or look at me weirdly. That's all. Is that so much asked?
One of the things I wanted to address today is a difficulty I have to deal with quite a lot lately. Seemingly living "two lives in one".
In this early phase of coming out and transition there are many people who I am not out to, a bunch whom I am out to but still treat me as female, a few who I am out to who DO see me as male now, and some who simply never knew me as female.
Thanks to this I live both as male and female depending on the circumstances and people I am with. Especially the latter (living as female) is getting more and more unpleasant due being able to interact with people as male. Like, you get a taste of a lollipop, but then it's pulled away from you again.
If I have to "be female" now it feels even more like a show. A theatre act. A mask.
But as male I do not feel fully at ease now either, this has more to do with the feeling of not being a "proper male" rather than not wanting to be/feeling male. I feel very bad for my body, but aside from my genes and downstairs I don't think I have a particularly feminine physical makeup. Not very masucline either, just... very androgynous.
My voice, however, is the worst of it all. I feel like I have an ultra high sissy voice, and even though THAT might be overreacting/non-realistic viewing from my side, anyone who has heard it will probably acknowledge that I DO have a pretty "normal female voice".
In fact, people often mistake me for my mom over the phone, or tell me I have a "beautiful girl/woman's voice". Of course people saying that are trying to make me feel good, but they don't. In fact they only confirm my insecurities I have about my voice.
Right now I feel like I'm in a "twilight zone" of being male and female. I feel like right now I fit both boxes and neither boxes. My outside reflects female, but how I feel within is male. I cannot live as female, because -obviously- I AM not female. It makes me very unhappy to live like that all the time. But I cannot properly live as male either due the way I look and sound. Basically I'm stuck in limbo, and I HATE it!
Also another difficulty is that the friends/people who see me as male will not, should not and can not ever mix with the people/friends who see me as female, as that will weird out both groups (and me!). I find it hard when a friend who sees me fully as male comes over, because my parents don't see me as such yet (even though I told them. I guess they just need time to adjust), but when a friend who sees me as female comes over I find it hard TOO, because that means I have to play a role again.
It gives me a bad taste in my mouth and a stone in my stomach when I have to fill in my legal name somewhere, but when I fill in Erik I am also very afraid/paranoid someone will come up to me and say "Are you crazy? You aren't a guy!". Same for public toilets. I don't feel at home in the women's, but I am afraid someone will clock me in the men's. Basically I can go no-where now. I fit no where. That is right now one of the biggest difficulties I am facing in this early phase of (social) transition.
I just want... to be able to be myself without having to "prove" anything, without having anyone "second guess" me or look at me weirdly. That's all. Is that so much asked?
zaterdag 28 juni 2014
A small step closer...
A bit of a "status update" on how things are developing over here and how it will all proceed from there.
Okay, so a while ago I called the VU, and got a letter I had to sign to allow them to check my doctor's records with my GP (not that there is much in them, lol). After that I got another letter saying they will call everyone who signed up in the first two weeks of July to pick a date for the intake.
Before the intake I have to get a refferal letter from my GP as well, because otherwise the insurance won't cover anything.
The intake is not the 'actual' start of therapy and medical process, rather they just create a "file" for you and get some basic details down. Basically that is the starting point they use for making a "plan" how to proceed from there.
After that, you will be placed on the waiting list, and the actual treatment cannot start until you are the first 'in line', so to speak.
This "treatment" will first start with A LOT of psychological tests and talks, etc. to find out some basic things, like:
After that, if all goes well, they will diagnose you with GID and give you the "green light" to start the medical process some time later. (after some physical tests, like hormone levels and such. I am not entirely sure what else...)
This will first consist of a RLE (= Real Life Experience) where you live as your desired sex full time and get the hormones of this sex (so in my case that would be testosterone). During that time you will stay in touch with the VU and still have regular talks with psychologists. If you have doubts or feel like it's going "too quick" you can always slow the process down (on the other hand, speeding it up is a lot harder).
Once you successfully finished the RLE, you will get green light for the surgeries. There are several options and (as far as I know) you don't have to take them all, but as they are still so far away I am not really thinking about that step yet. If you guys are interested I can write another blog post about them though, and list the differences and pros and cons of certain surgeries. That is too much for this time though.
As you see this first "big" step is actually a very small one, and I still have a long road ahead of me with many pitfalls along the way. I cannot predict what it will look like and how exactly I will tread on it. That is something only time can tell.
Okay, so a while ago I called the VU, and got a letter I had to sign to allow them to check my doctor's records with my GP (not that there is much in them, lol). After that I got another letter saying they will call everyone who signed up in the first two weeks of July to pick a date for the intake.
Before the intake I have to get a refferal letter from my GP as well, because otherwise the insurance won't cover anything.
The intake is not the 'actual' start of therapy and medical process, rather they just create a "file" for you and get some basic details down. Basically that is the starting point they use for making a "plan" how to proceed from there.
After that, you will be placed on the waiting list, and the actual treatment cannot start until you are the first 'in line', so to speak.
This "treatment" will first start with A LOT of psychological tests and talks, etc. to find out some basic things, like:
- Do you really have GID (=Gender Identity Disorder, AKA: medical term for transgenderism)
- Do you have other mental issues that need resolving first?
- Are you mentally and emotionally prepared for transition
After that, if all goes well, they will diagnose you with GID and give you the "green light" to start the medical process some time later. (after some physical tests, like hormone levels and such. I am not entirely sure what else...)
This will first consist of a RLE (= Real Life Experience) where you live as your desired sex full time and get the hormones of this sex (so in my case that would be testosterone). During that time you will stay in touch with the VU and still have regular talks with psychologists. If you have doubts or feel like it's going "too quick" you can always slow the process down (on the other hand, speeding it up is a lot harder).
Once you successfully finished the RLE, you will get green light for the surgeries. There are several options and (as far as I know) you don't have to take them all, but as they are still so far away I am not really thinking about that step yet. If you guys are interested I can write another blog post about them though, and list the differences and pros and cons of certain surgeries. That is too much for this time though.
As you see this first "big" step is actually a very small one, and I still have a long road ahead of me with many pitfalls along the way. I cannot predict what it will look like and how exactly I will tread on it. That is something only time can tell.
dinsdag 24 juni 2014
Overanalysing
However, also when dysphoria isn't directly triggered it is almost always there, but in a more... subtle form.
Basically I become overanalytical or paranoid about everything. From handwriting to mannerisms to appearance, I constantly think:
- Do I pass/Do others see me as male/Do I look male
- Am I "male enough" (on the inside)
Basically every imaginable thing that has to do with appearance. This also includes things like mannerisms, like walking, sitting, choice of language...(though mannerisms are tricky, as they also fall a bit into point 2, but also not, as mannerisms are majorily taught, and not inborn)
The other point is something which manifests itself most when I am on my own and the need to 'pass' is less present than in public. (though still there. Some transpeople deliberately avoid mirrors, I actually constantly check myself in the mirror and try to look "through the eyes of a stranger" and decipher whether they would see a male or female. Often it doesn't leave me feeling better)
Because I am not born male, I have the feeling as if I have to "prove" to both myself and the outside world that I am "male enough" or "truly a dude" on the inside. This has nothing to do with looks, rather it has to do with the workings of my brain.
I tend to get over-analytical of everything I like (such as hobbies and interests), and how I "think" and do certain things. "Is that what a cisdude would do?"
It goes so far that I even attach a lot of value to the way my room or handwriting looks, and even try to analyse my way of thinking and looking at things, and figure out whether that is a "typical male" line of thought. Crazy, eh?
 |
| This is my handwriting (this sentence containts all letters from the alphabet), what do you think? Male? Female? Andro? |
There is no use in all of this if one mask ends up replacing the other. I am simply not a very dominant "Alpha Male", and if I'd try to become that, I'd end up being very unhappy.
A lot of gay men actually have a typical "female thought pattern", but yet they don't feel like women, so I figure... all of that actually says nothing at all.
My gender identity, my deep rooted feeling about what I am, clearly says male. And I should just leave it at that and stop the analysing, stop the taking myself down on my "feminine" and "tender" traits.
That, however, is easier said than done, and I cannot "shut off" those feelings. BUT I have sworn to myself not to change who I am just for the sake of being a "normal dude" (besides that... me and normal? Not gonna happen!), because transition is about becoming who you are. It completely defeats the purpose if I am going to play a role once again.
No more roles for me, unless it's in a play.
(EDIT: I changed the title from "dysphoric paranoia" to "overanalysing", because I felt the word "paranoia" was kinda... too heavy)
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