Visit to the GP, and... the post lost my letter!

An update on how things are over here.

Okay, so first of all, GOOD NEWS!

• I bought a rashguard, so I can feel better while swimming. Though I hoped it would compress a bit as well (which it doesnt), so I wouldn't need a binder, I am still very happy with it. I really want to test it sometime soon! 
• Secondly, I went to the GP, and got the referral letter for the VU. I was quite stressed about it, and when she asked me what I needed a referral for, I literally couldn't say a word, it was that hard. But my dad had come with me, and he saved me. After she knew what it was for she asked lots of questions, to be sure I know what I'm talking about and am certain, etc. and after that wished me luck and wrote the letter. She was very understanding and nice, and I feel like I am starting to slowly open up to my parents as well, which really makes me happy. There is still a long road ahead of me, but I will get there. 

There is also bad news, however.

Namely, the letter that grants the VU the right to see my medical file apparently got lost in the post, as neither THEY, nor I, nor the GP has it.

When I just signed in, they told me they would call to make an appointment for the intake BEFORE 14th of July, so I waited. And waited. And waited. 14th of July passes, still no call. I begin to get worried, and contact them myself to ask what's up. I get the answer that they don't have my medical records yet, and thus cannot make an appointment, while I DID send it, signed and everything.
Then another week passes. I know I have to contact my GP, but I am too afraid and procrastinate it. Until I know I have no choice. (this is a reoccurring problem in my life...)
I make an appointment with my GP, the nearest date is almost a week later, and A DAY before we leave on holiday, to make the stress-fest complete.
Arriving there, I have a very good talk and she was very understanding of it all, HOWEVER, when I said they had to see my medical file, and the rights-letter (don't know the English term folks, it's a "machtiging" in Dutch) didn't arrive at the VU, they said they didn't have it either (I am almost starting to wonder I maybe slit it in the wrong postbox slot). When I asked whether she could just give that permission NOW anyway (as I was there in person, sure I could testify it was OK), she said it is very unusual to give full access to someone's medical records, as it is rather personal, and often a lot of it is irrelevant for the situation, so she refused to grant that until more was clear about WHAT they exactly wanted from my medical records.
Stupidly enough, I made no copy of the letter I had to sign, thus I have no idea what it said EXACTLY, and thus I have to wait for a response from the VU.
I sent the genderteam an email explaining everything in detail, and asking on how I should proceed now, but I still have no reply. In the meanwhile... the clock is counting down till the holiday.
I am rather stressed about this, as I have no idea what they exactly want, how my letter got lost in the post, and when I can get my intake.

It was a big and difficult step to go to the GP, and I am glad I did it, but I am not glad I STILL have a few issues unanswered. I hope everything ends all right anyway, only time can tell.

Living a double life

First of all... sorry for the long silence. I had some personal issues that made focussing on my blog (or art) really difficult. Also have I gotten a little pet ratty, Zelda, who has been taking a lot of attention. I am going to get her a friend this week, hopefully she will feel less lonely then. (yup, I know, never keep rats on their own. Learned that a little bit too late)

One of the things I wanted to address today is a difficulty I have to deal with quite a lot lately. Seemingly living "two lives in one".
In this early phase of coming out and transition there are many people who I am not out to, a bunch  whom I am out to but still treat me as female, a few who I am out to who DO see me as male now, and some who simply never knew me as female.
Thanks to this I live both as male and female depending on the circumstances and people I am with. Especially the latter (living as female) is getting more and more unpleasant due being able to interact with people as male. Like, you get a taste of a lollipop, but then it's pulled away from you again.
If I have to "be female" now it feels even more like a show. A theatre act. A mask.
But as male I do not feel fully at ease now either, this has more to do with the feeling of not being a "proper male" rather than not wanting to be/feeling male. I feel very bad for my body, but aside from my genes and downstairs I don't think I have a particularly feminine physical makeup. Not very masucline either, just... very androgynous.

My voice, however, is the worst of it all. I feel like I have an ultra high sissy voice, and even though THAT might be overreacting/non-realistic viewing from my side, anyone who has heard it will probably acknowledge that I DO have a pretty "normal female voice".
In fact, people often mistake me for my mom over the phone, or tell me I have a "beautiful girl/woman's voice". Of course people saying that are trying to make me feel good, but they don't. In fact they only confirm my insecurities I have about my voice.

Right now I feel like I'm in a "twilight zone" of being male and female. I feel like right now I fit both boxes and neither boxes. My outside reflects female, but how I feel within is male. I cannot live as female, because -obviously- I AM not female. It makes me very unhappy to live like that all the time. But I cannot properly live as male either due the way I look and sound. Basically I'm stuck in limbo, and I HATE it!

Also another difficulty is that the friends/people who see me as male will not, should not and can not ever mix with the people/friends who see me as female, as that will weird out both groups (and me!). I find it hard when a friend who sees me fully as male comes over, because my parents don't see me as such yet (even though I told them. I guess they just need time to adjust), but when a friend who sees me as female comes over I find it hard TOO, because that means I have to play a role again.

It gives me a bad taste in my mouth and a stone in my stomach when I have to fill in my legal name somewhere, but when I fill in Erik I am also very afraid/paranoid someone will come up to me and say "Are you crazy? You aren't a guy!". Same for public toilets. I don't feel at home in the women's, but I am afraid someone will clock me in the men's. Basically I can go no-where now. I fit no where. That is right now one of the biggest difficulties I am facing in this early phase of (social) transition.

I just want... to be able to be myself without having to "prove" anything, without having anyone "second guess" me or look at me weirdly. That's all. Is that so much asked?